DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

He needs to find another job if he wants to remain married. You'll have to find the energy to call it out and fight if you don’t want this to escalate. I don’t get why they have to work int he same posts until they retire?

One thing I learned in life is that men don’t tend to have friendships with women unless they want to get closer. They have their male friends and don’t really need female friends. When they make a female “friend”, it’s because they want to be around her because they’re attracted to her, often hoping that there will be something more between them. I was so naive so many times in my life and didn’t recognise this until it became obvious. Women can have platonic friendships and enjoy company of men they don’t fancy, but men don’t tend to

What a horrible situation OP, I am so sorry.
I also think you are both checking out - yes he started it by ignoring your feelings and carrying on with her even though he knew it hurt you, but at the end of it all you seem to have grown apart. I think you are also checking out and ready to go as he has shown he won't be picking you when you have asked, which understandably hurts and tells you all you need to know about his priorities.
20 years is longer than a lot of marriages. Yes if he hadn't been so selfish you could have kept it up but if one isn't willing to fight for it then you have to look to your future and what is waiting elsewhere for you.

It could be an affair.
I'm also in a male dominated area and I have had plenty of close male friends, usually also friends of my DH but not always, and even ones I became quite close friends with, holidays after conferences etc.
Never ever emotional affair level or physical at all.
To me the biggest thing is actually that he is not interested in meals, dates, time with you. And that he didn't show empathy or make effort to reassure you, either. Not being good friends or having a crush, even.
I think in a long relationship it's normal to be close with other friends and have phases where others friendships are really close. But not to become callous, disconnected, unkind to your partner.

I get on really well with a couple of my male colleagues. I’m married, they’re married. We send each other work related memes whenever they pop up and it gets responded to eventually. Might be straight away, might be in 3 days time. We get on well but we’re not a priority in each others lives.

I really wouldn’t like the dynamics you have described here.

Nah. That's not on. They're getting a few days away while you're home waiting. Fuck that. Did he tell you, at least?

I'm so sorry OP. I think this is the crux of the matter. Even if he is being entirely truthful that they are just good mates at work, the fact that he doesn't understand why you are upset, or want to change things just so you feel better, is weird.

I don't know though, like in my older teens at uni, my two closest friends were men. I am still in touch with one of them. Neither were boyfriend material, one was a gay as they come! Never even crossed my mind that it might be weird... I guess now I am married, it would feel weird to have a male "best friend" but would it??

It is your reaction to his friendship that is killing your marriage.

If you had a close male friend and your husband asked you to not have contact with them anymore it would be seen as controlling. There would be loads of posts saying leave him in that scenario as well.

I think you should leave because he is hurting you and he's allowing her to overstep the mark. They are both disrespecting you. Leave and make a new life.

I was once in your place. I'm sorry, it is so hurtful.

What I did was bring it out into the open. I talked to him, and showed him articles about limerence (not this, but like this https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-exactly-is-limerence/ Confronting him with what 'feels like' a euphoric connection. I referred back to a list, every time he tried to defend the 'relationship'. It eventually burst his bubble and he saw it for what it was.

However, in some ways I can also understand. I worked with someone and we just 'connected'. It was another woman, neither of us are gay, and not a thing about our relationship was sexual. It just zinged. We laughed every day. It did feel like a euphoric connection. However it didn't threaten the relationships that each of us had with our dh.

I get that if it is 2 months into a new relationship, but after 20 years she deserves to be heard by her husband.

Friends of the same sex don't get access to all the best bits while the partner gets the rudeness and washing. If the friendship was making him a better person I doubt the OP would give a crap, but he is treating her badly since this has begun. It is disengaging 101 for men who want to play away; breaking the emotional ties so they can step out of the relationship "guilt free"

This is a good idea imo

The two night work thing does not bode well.

I'd leave. Find a nice new man eventually to enjoy older age with. .

While he's away for 2 nights with her, pack his bags and change the locks. Then when he gets back and wonders why he can't get in the house, chuck his suitcase out of the door and let him sort himself out. I'm sure her husband would be just thrilled for him to stay there!

Seriously, don't do the pick me dance. Feeds their egos while starving your self esteem.

I'm not anti opposite sex friendships, and have some (not close ones) but as another pp said, there's a big difference between an appropriate and boundaried friendship and an emotional affair. And this is an emotional affair, whether he knows it or not.

I once saw on mn someone say all men get is if you say’ it how would you feel if I did that?’ and I think that’s a good idea to say.

Hmm, hard to say really. One of my best mates is male. We were housemates many years ago and just get on really well. No sexual attraction whatsoever.

If I dated somebody who got all insecure and demanded I end the friendship I'd probs tell them to do one.

This is the start of the affair.

He might think he is.

But if push came to shove and you gave him the green light to become available?

He’d all of a sudden not look so funny to her. He’d all of a sudden find himself being sent to voicemail & more or left on read.

She’s more than likely bored and using your beloved as entertainment.
She’d panic if he suddenly became available.

My advice would be to gather his attention and tell him, sincerely tell him how you’re feeling and then tell him the only remedy you can see is divorce.
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.

But before that conversation, you should have consulted an attorney and established what your finances will reasonably be and what your options will be when you discuss this with your husband. Money, housing - everything should be figured out. Fairly. Don’t sell yourself short, though.
Your husband might move lightning fast to do the same, and you DEFINITELY want to be prepared and protected.
That’s the practical side.
The emotional side is gonna hurt like a mother.
You know that, and I’m so sorry for that.
You’ll just have to slog through it.
It’ll take time, but you’ll make it.
I did.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

So here’s your perfect opportunity, @Teaandbiscuits123456

Change the locks
Visit a good solicitor
Stop being a victim
You are Wonder Woman!!!
Get angry get furious get righteous
Invite the girls around have a few drinks
Have some fun!!!
Wave at that returning stupid bastard thru the locked doors & windows and laugh laugh laugh

OP if you are married you cannot legally change the locks. Other than that, you should absolutely spend the 2 days he is away getting your ducks in a row. This is explained in great detail many times on this board. It just means finding and copying/ screen shotting/ photographing every single piece of legal and financial piece of information you can find from your marriage certificate to pay slips, credit card and bank statements, tax returns, P45, pension and mortgage information. Even if you do nothing with it all, now is the time to make sure you are on top of everything.
My friend discovered her husband's affair from one credit card statement.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
As pp said, she might well lose interest if he turned up saying he was free and available. It is how you feel and what you want to do that matters.

Make sure you stop with all wife work. No laundry, no shopping, cooking, anything to do with in-laws, etc. Whatever you do, don’t make appointments of be his mental calendar. Be unavailable with your time and attention. When he starts packing for this conference, tell him to make sure he packs everything because he’s not coming back. If he thinks you’re not serious, use that time he’s away to change the locks and make sure his stuff is outside the house for him to collect. Set up a ring camera so that you can advise him that you are out and expect him to take his shit with him and GTF back to his work wife.

*Also, make sure you have seen a solicitor by that stage and you can tell him this as well.

Completely different situation. I have a good male friend from school who I’ve never seen romantically. I’ve known him longer than my partner and they aren’t close but get along fine. Same with me and his wife. It’s a total non-issue because everyone knows their place, there are no blurred lines and our friendship would never pose a threat to our partners.

This isn’t a long standing friendship pre-dating their marriage. This is a fairly new, intense friendship that he’s prioritising over his wife. It should go without saying that your wife should be the closest and most important woman in your life. What he’s doing is not ok and I’d be gutted if my husband behaved like this.

So sorry OP, how you’re feeling is not wrong or unreasonable.

Yep 32 years of marriage gone because his good friend is his priority. He is obsessed with her yet she says hes not my type hes a good friend.