DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Exactly what I was told. It took me three years to leave (the affair/whatever it was started when I was pregnant) but each time I said I couldn’t go on, he would promise to change and then fail to change. She was also married, by the way.

They’ve been officially together for over twelve years now and unofficially for over 15. I left about 13 years ago.

As pp have said, @Teaandbiscuits123456 you will have to force him to choose. At the moment he gets everything: the “happy” family, you to blame for things being imperfect, and this other woman to massage his ego (if nothing else). He isn’t going to choose because he wants to stay looking like the good guy.

Having been with someone like this I think this category of action is my only (bar abuse etc) certain LTB. It is abhorrent. My ex was texting his ‘friend’ on Valentine’s Day, just about something innocuous, not about love, and told me I was being crazy and possessive to mind. But it’s not about the contents of the message to me, it’s about the context— whether the person is allowed around all the usual barriers of privacy into the pocket and hand of your H.

There is another alternative. The OP could choose. She could rediscover her self-worth that has been buried under validation from this worthless man and choose herself.

If you can’t leave him op then you need to start detaching by getting your own interests outside of him . Don’t go out with him anymore knowing he can’t wait to rush home to text her. Join some meetup groups, get new hobbies, fill any spare time you’d usually spend with him doing something else with other people

Back in February you started this thread.
You’re still with him and he’s still sending messages to this person!!
You need to leave him and separate, he’s too involved with her now after all this time!

Yes true, or I sort of meant force him to choose by saying she wants him to leave. But it doesn’t read like that, admittedly.

I don’t think OP is going to take any advice given.

It's OPs life. She is under no obligation to do as she's told by strangers on the internet

Agreed… OP is absolutely under NO obligation to ACT upon ANY advice given on here.

OP - you’ve been facing this for a considerable length of time - what do you think your next step should be ?

I made sure their friends, parent & work colleagues & boss's found out.
Makes work nicely uncomfortable