DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

Fully agree with this. Sorry OP. But he has checked out

Being a nice, decent person doesn't preclude one from developing 'feelings' for somebody. It takes quite a high level of emotional insight, and self discipline, to understand that your feelings are going to do damage and to stop having them.

I agree with everyone else, btw: spell it out to him. He's relocated the focus of his love, affection & care from you to his colleague. This is an emotional affair.

If he can't/won't stop it, quit before this wrecks you.

Book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

dms all hours and outside work is beyond friends. Sorry

Wouldn't bother me, hubby has very close female friends me male friends, talk,laugh, go out but it's each other we come home to. It would annoy me someone going on about my friendships with the other sex tbh but if your trust and love each other there's no need to bother about it. People jump to emotional cheating etc etc erm nope we are allowed to have close other sex friends yes friends

Whilst I can see your point of view, and largely share it, I think the reason this sounds a bit more like an emotional affair is the pivot in OpDH personality. He’s not engaging with her when she suggests going out and doing things they previously would. She’s known him 20yrs & he’s changed since this person came on the scene. Even if there is nothing in it, this alone suggests there’s a problem somewhere - but importantly he won’t engage on the topic and instead dismisses OPs feelings (which are perfectly valid).

The thing is though that he is generally a good, kind man, I don’t know why he is being like this.

So was mine, before he started suggesting I shag his mate and complete strangers. We think we know them but we don’t really, do we? I’ve come to the conclusion they’re all pathetic, self-serving idiots.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

Haven’t read the whole thread. But this was me. My DH had a friend like this at work, a friend he would lean on and tell our troubles to etc. she was/is 10 years younger than him if that helps. She didn’t know about me at first but then she did and it didn’t change at all. Infact it’s like they got a thrill out of it then. Also I was pregnant at the time.

it ended up being a full blown EA in the end with her leaving her partner for my DH. They’ve worked together up until recently as now he’s got a new job. I’m not saying this is the case with your DH but I’m saying it happens , it might not but ask him what he would feel like if it was the other way round. I’m sure he wouldn’t be too pleased.

keep your guard up OP.

Is this a thing with EA? Cos my DH has suggested I shag his mates and strangers too🤣

Mine too. Those exact words so I booted him out and he managed three months with her and wanted to come back. I had 'fallen out of love' with him when he had said those words so it was a hard no from me and I bought him out of the house. He moved on to another woman and then another. He's dead now so probably going from woman to woman wherever he is now.

You are right to lose the feeling for him. He demonstrably feels the same

Don't hinge your decisions based on whether or not they are having sex, base it on how he is making you feel.

You have been clear how it is making you feel and he has said, "Yepp - don't care!"

Divorce him @Teaandbiscuits123456

No there wouldn’t
if his colleague was posting about her ‘work husband’ there’d be loads of posts telling her to back off and concentrate on her own marriage. I’ve seen posts from this other perspective and the op gets flamed. As they should .

I don't think it matters that much whether he's in love with her or not, or what she thinks. It could just be a perfectly innocent friendship.

But what matters is his response to how it makes you feel. He had plenty of opportunities to reassure you but didn't even try to care.

I agree that it seems he's checked out of your marriage. You should do what's best for you. Maybe could start with some counselling for yourself rather than jumping straight into "divorce mode". It could help you figure where you're at.

OP there’s a chance he’s just really dumb and she’s not actually interested she’s just using him for an ego boost to spice up her boring life. I agree with others you need to get your ducks in a row but also consider he may come crawling back to you, and would you want him if he did?
As well as looking into the financial and legal stuff you should start seeing friends more, give yourself a pamper, new hair and clothes maybe watch your diet etc whatever makes you feel in control again and confident. That’s more likely to make him realise what he’s potentially losing especially if you’re becoming strong and independent again like you would’ve been when you met.
At the moment he’s having his cake and eating it, flirting with his exciting work bit on the side and assuming you’re his same old safe bet who’ll always be there. If he realises actually you’re the exciting sexy one he might change his mind, which even if you don’t want him will make you feel better and give you more options.

I'm sorry OP but I would assume the affair will quite probably turn into a physical one , if it hasn't already, given he is seizing this opportunity.
I think you need to see this as the end of your marriage and see a solicitor so you are prepared.

You’ve told him the ‘friendship’ is making you anxious and instead of reining it in a little and perhaps stopping direct messaging outside of work etc he’s essentially told you to get over it….
Even if nothing is going on it’s a very strange/horrible way to treat your spouse, who you profess to love.
If you can afford to go it alone for abit to get some space I probably would, but by doing that you’ve set the wheels in motion and you’ll have to go with the consequences.
I would rather that then spend everyday in misery, worried with a man who makes no effort to do things with me.
You say your DH is kind, he really isn’t if this is how he behaves

I know the feeling. My husband has had an emotional affair with a 29-year old from his gym. We have been together 19 years and he’s thrown it all away because he is infatuated with her. He doesn’t care about my feelings at all. Men are so pathetic!!

Oh this is perfect, absolutely well said.

Are you OP’s husband ? How do you expect her to react when he’s clearly shown her that she is no longer his priority and that his friendship with this woman means more to him than his wife’s peace of mind ?

What a cruel turd he is.

This might be useful reading op.
https://www.chumplady.com/the-pick-me-dance/

Op, I'm in a similar position and wish all the best.

Actually this was my situation a few years ago with the roles reversed.

I got on brilliantly with a co worker and we did see each other for drinks after work as friends.
DH let me do it and made jokes about my “boyfriend” but over time got fed up with it and invited himself to drinks. Whilst that was ok he clearly hated my friend even though they would probably have got normally.

I did explain to DH that it was literally a work based friendship and indeed when I left we never kept in touch.

I do however think if my co worker had had ideas about taking it further it could have been different. Knowing unequivocally he didn’t fancy me and we wouldn’t work as a couple stopped any silliness. It would have been risky otherwise.

He's jumped at a weekend away with her, he's hoping for something.

It's rare that men have female friends that they wouldn't have sex with. He's pretty much told you he's infatuated with her "I can't help my feelings" is that how he'd describe his friendship with a man?

Get your finances sorted. Stop doing chores for him. Go out with your friends. Go to the gym. Start looking good and feeling good. Show him that you are checked out. That you are unavailable. Either they truly are in love and meant to be together and nothing you do will stop them. Or its a thrill that they're caught up in and they'll be bored of it once it's all they have.

Yeah but it never is 55 year old Dave from accounts, though, is it?

OP isn’t the one who needs to change. He does. The deal breaker here is the words ‘l can’t help how l feel’. What he means is that he doesn’t want to. No matter how it makes his wife feel. There is no coming back from that and l’d be ending it now if l were OP. He’s waiting for the opportunity to turn this into a physical affair, if he hasn’t already, and OP is now effectively his housekeeper while he behaves like a single man.

If you truly want to rescue your marriage then you need to be telling your DH exactly how you feel, even if it means writing it all down and basically reading from a script!
Make time for just the two of you, no distractions and no one else around.
I am not condoning his behaviour and I can identify a little with how you feel; my ex struck up a relationship with a woman who we both knew from a social group. She said her ‘husband didn’t understand her’ and my ex was straight in there with a listening ear. He claimed he was just being friendly!!! Bollocks…….he was soon shagging her when me and her OH were working!