Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Your XH was probably lovely one year after you met too.
Do you want to be a single mother to 3 children from 2 fathers?

This

I would base this decision on whether or not you want to have a third child. Don’t do it because you feel you have to to ‘keep’ the new man. Make sure you’re living together first if you do go ahead with it. You need to know that you can actually live together before you attempt to raise a baby together.

Hope you are ok @suburberphobe your messages are very strange - I was asking if people had been in similar circumstances. You seem like you may just be trolling for attention perhaps. Take care of yourself.

Think of the children you already have who have been through your marriage breakup with you, and have then watched you bring a new man into their life for less than a year but that’s long enough apparently. And now you want to throw another spanner in their world by having a baybee because you always wanted another one.

Why not focus of rebuilding the lives of the children you already have by teaching them about making good choices and about recognising the difference between want and need.

I have a mate that became a dad at 60. He'll be dealing with "Are you grandad?" while picking his toddler up from school.
@suburberphobe , no, he won't. He'll be dealing with 'You're a brilliant grandad'.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this @Crushed23 thats really good advice about living together first and seeing if that works and if things are still moving along as well as they have been. x

I think........... you've had two wonderful children. You are enjoying a new relationship. Rejoice in what you have. Sounds great to me.
Dont mess that up by attempting to get pregnant at 40.

Get a new hobby, take up a sport, get an aquarium and a load of fish. Dont bring another child into this world, particularly with a man you barely know. Its not a good idea.
I think @suburberphobe is right tbh. I would seek counselling to properly think this through.

@Broodyat40 , for once I'll have to say that the problem here is your hormones.

I have considered this too @AlbieJiggered and I have been talking to a few women who went through something similar at my age where they had the desire to have more children. So its absolutely something that has crossed my mind, but, I always wanted a big family, its just unfortunate that it didnt happen in the way that I had planned when I was married.

What would be best for your children though?

I had a baby at 41, already had a child of 12. All worked out brilliantly. Go for it if you both want to.

I usually post 'Stop blaming your hormones' @Broodyat40 , but they do get a bit weird as you reach 40.
You have two lovely children.

The man you have known for only a short time. You love who you think he is not who he actually is.

I was almost 10 when my brother was born and 12 when the next one came along. My parents were together though. I felt sidelined because of all the attention they got and was constantly told to make allowances for them because they were only babies.

You’ve only known him a year! Has he even met your kids? I’d put your existing children first. How do expect them to manage with their dad leaving and wanting nothing to do with them, a new man turning up, mum having a new baby but knowing that new man could leave her too. Don’t disrupt their lives any further.

It's really interesting to read people's views, opinions and to get different perspectives but as I said in my original post, I'm looking for advice from people who have had a similar experience. I'd like to know how people navigate blended families and becoming a mum at an older age.

Im so sorry you felt that way @MilanoCortina2026 There are ten years between me and my sister and I never felt that way growing up so i am so sorry that was your experience, and its something I would need to be very mindful of x

Totally this, hormones are a bitch. Relax and chill, your relationship is still new and as someone said, presumably your ex was lovely one year in too. You have two lovely children already, who might or might not be ok with a half sibling with an age gap, and have gone through a lot already.

Your current DC want you there with them, playing games with them, guiding them through the transition into high school, going on fun age appropriate days out with them, taking them on fun holidays. Not pushing a pram and changing nappies. Restricted days out because of nap times and other younger child demands.

At 8 & 10 now, your children will be entering tween & early teens shortly.

They will need you a lot at that time. It would be very destabilising to have a new baby and then a toddler pulling all of their mum's attention away, plus the potential hurt and jealousy that the new baby has its parents together whereas their parents are now split up. All that, and navigating puberty and complicated teen social relationships as well.

Don't do that to your kids, they are blameless in all this.

Enjoy them, you don't need another baby, and there are plenty of reasons why it wouldn't at all be in their best interests, and could quite possibly not be in yours either, depending on how things turned out in future.

You make wonderful points here @QuickPeachPoet Its something I have considered quite a lot and it does make me question whether I do need to close the door on this. I think about how I could have a 5 year old whilst my eldest children will be going through exams, the teenage years and going through a stage when they probably need me more than ever. So thank you for taking the time to write this. It's not a choice or decision to be taken lightly. I know there are lots of families who do have large age gaps between children, but it is a massive thing to consider. Thanks again.

For your existing children, this would be a bad idea.

For your boyfriend, he might leave at some stage, with or without a new baby. If he is 35 with no kids, he will probably want to have his own family with someone one day, but it might be elsewhere.

My advice would be to rebuild your life with your kids, enjoy your bf company but don’t expect anything long term.

I really appreciate your perspective on this - thank you @WrylyAmused

Thanks everyone. I am about to get some sleep, but I appreciate the time taken and the perspectives shared.