Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

I know you've mentioned having a 10 year old at 50 but what I'm always tempted to mention when people talk about wanting a baby is that a baby becomes a toddler then a child then a teen then an adult and it's not just a cute little bundle of joy in a new relationship but a commitment as a partnership in supporting and loving a whole human life. Do you see you and this newish partner being together for the long haul? Is he a positive adult in the lives of your existing children? You're only a few years away from more freedom as a parent of older children, do you want to return to the baby days, will the impact of motherhood on your career a decade ago happen all over again a decade later if you have another baby? Is another child the dealbreaker - will this guy not want to be with you if he can never have a biological child? Are you worried about him leaving because you don't think it's a forever relationship or just because you're scarred from what happened in your previous relationship?

You mean, "I only want to hear positive stories from women who've done this..."

I would be very wary of this!
By the time your dc know & trust your new dp well enough to consider marriage, cohabiting etc the age gap will be bigger and you considerably older!

I speak from experience, so I mean this kindly but your relationship is very new and in your position/stage I was still at the very early stage eg meeting Mum’s ‘friend’ for lunch or trips to the cinema etc
This man is still a stranger to your dc and you are moving too fast, please be careful and put your dc first.

I wasn’t talking about this specific situation, but I have noticed that posts that involve blended families tend to attract significantly nastier comments than normal.

Really? I wouldn’t say I’ve seen nasty comments. People are honest about the additional pressure of having a blended family. Is it really that surprising that having step children/ step parents/ half siblings/ step siblings is likely to bring more challenges than a family where there hasn’t been a break up? Children can be challenging enough when they’re your birth children and you love them unconditionally. Wonderful too of course, but the reality is children bring additional work and worries as well as joy. So when you factor in new relationships, living as a family with children who aren’t related to you and who you perhaps didn’t know until they’re 10 or however many years old - it’s hardly surprising that the challenges are greater.

I’d be mindful of the fact that a new baby will draw all the attention and that often is to the detriment of the big ones who then grow up into adolescence way too early. I see this happen again and again in families even if the parent says they’re planning to spend time with the older ones. Difficult to practise.

Additionally, I think your two kids will feel left out with a baby step sibling.

I wouldn’t do it

Consider the two children you already have…..they have been through a lot of emotional confusion and uncertainty already. How would they feel ?
Maybe they need you to keep things stable after such turmoil in their lives, and to ensure you have energy enough to see them through their teen years as you will be parenting them alone - if their father is no longer in their lives. Surely that’s enough of a burden on you already.

Your two children are a precious gift to you. I know it’s hard if you are in the early first flush of a new relationship but you must be guided by their needs rather than taking risks with their well being. There are so many unknowns down the path you would like to go.

Wouldn’t it be very difficult to concentrate on a new relationship, a new living situation, a new baby as well as trying to fix the further upset of subjecting your existing children to all that, plus a replacement father figure you really don’t know that well at all yet, with him being thrust into their lives.

Take it very very slowly OP, with your new man. And good luck !

When I was 40 and my kids were 8 & 10 the idea of a baby would've been fine (think I was also in the hormonal sex surge pre peri). But roll on 5 years and their pre-teen and teen years have been eye opening. They need you so much more than you can imagine and they're as challenging as toddlers!

Add into that peri which it me hard from 42, and my energy levels have plummeted. I did not expect this super fast aging to happen so soon but it does.

I don't have direct experience of blended families, but I can't imagine anything worse than subjecting my children to the whims of my romantic life, even more so if they'd been abandoned by their father. Please, put them first.

Maybe read up some threads about single parents supporting their children when their other parent rushes ahead into a new relationship and creates a new family.

Plus, you really don't know this man. It's great you've found happiness after such betrayal, but just enjoy it and concentrate on rebuilding your existing children's happiness too.

By asking posters who themselves have blended families you will be getting biased responses.

Your dc did not chose to grow up with a single mother nor did they sign up to living with a male who is a total stranger who they have to share their mum with. Their needs matter more than yours.

Imagine before you had children, you move in with your boyfriend. Then he tells you that someone he’s very close to, let’s say a second cousin once removed, will also move in permanently. This person will share all family meals, holidays and eventually even help raise an adopted baby with him.

Even if he’s known and trusts this cousin, you barely know them and maybe even dislike him. How would it feel for you to suddenly have them in your home, living in your space and becoming part of your family life? Possibly even telling you what to do and what not to. That’s exactly what it might feel like for your dc when a random adult moves in.

It would be sadly very selfish to have another baby in your situation. Focus on your actual dc. Have your boyfriend but do not let him move in, how traumatising for your poor dc.

"yes, I do intend to live my life however I see fit"

...without taking into account the needs of your existing children, it seems.

I have similar experience but I chose not to have a third with my new partner. I am divorced, met my partner a year after I split from exH and at the time I was 36, with 2 kids (5 and 11), partner was 40 and didn't have children. Id always been open to having 3 kids but like you, my exH had affairs so that was not meant to be. At the start I told my new partner it was a complete no on kids and he chose to accept that. A few years later, as i approached 40, I got broody but I chose to ignore. The reasons were that I felt it would have a negative impact on my children (they have a half sibling at their dad's and it has been really hard for them, they feel pushed out and they get no quality grown up time with their dad, it's all based around toddler needs). It would have a negative impact in my career and therefore my kids quality of life. I also felt it would have a negative impact on my relationship with my partner as we enjoy having more freedom with older kids.

what i wrote earlier was based on lived experience, even though I didn’t package it as an anecdote. So here goes because I think you’re listening very selectively OP. So, I went off the rails 13 onwards whilst my mum and dad were busy dealing with my 2 year old sibling

I’d be careful not to make my existing kids feel abandoned. Breastfeeding or a wilful toddler can be a huge distraction. You don’t want to be too distracted when your kids need you as teens. Teens benefit from a parent who’s focused on them

My girls were 7 and 11 when my son was born. It’s quite the learning curve starting again after such a gap. I was 33 when my youngest was born though

Do you want another child ?
Would you be financially and emotionally able to bring up the child alone if relationship didn’t workout ?
If the answer is yes then go for it
You’ll always be tied to your new partner via your shared child .
You can’t bank on your future none of us can .
If you want another child go for it

One of the school mums I knew was in a similar situation, her existing kids were teenagers when she had a baby. She only did it because the new man wanted a child, marriage, family etc.
Unfortunately he found it too hard coping with a baby and he left, they split before the baby turned one. She has coped amazingly and obviously everyone loves the younger child to bits, but it was so hard for her and probably not what she would have chosen without the guy insisting on a kid of his own.

Yep, my mum had two babies in quick succession when I was 14-15, and it meant that I was basically left to my own devices, as were my siblings. Except when we were needed to babysit and care for the new babies. No one recovered from it. Mum's new relationship didn't last. It was fucking awful.

I appreciate people aren't all telling you what you want to hear, OP, but a year is too soon, and your kids need you to be their mum. They've already had enough upheaval. Plus the risks of being so much older just aren't worth it when you already have two lovely kids.

Most of the reasoning here that you shouldn’t have another because your old children want your full attention is ridiculous. That’d apply to every single time parents decide to have a second child. And most people don’t stick at one.

My experience is that blending families can work but is hard and needs to be slow. You need to live together for a year (imo) before you can really say it’s working. And having another child before knowing if your partner and current kids are happy living together is a bad idea.

Well I knew my partner for only 14 months before I was pregnant with our first child. Not planned. We did live together but only for maybe 4 months or so before I found out. But we knew we were the right people for each other.

That was 17 years ago, we now have two more children and we are very very happy together.

i know it’s different as you have children already but at 40 time is of the essence and is its what you both want he needs to move in and perhaps see how that is for a few months and if all is good… you need to get a move on!

Of course the points about your current children’s needs are absolutely valid. How is the new partner with them? If he’s great and will be a dad figure I think it could work. I assume you’ve discussed all of that with him?

Yup usual MN situation of essentially asking AIBU when really OP wants corroboration not advice… mind made up - go ahead OP… have a child with a younger man you have been dating a year. Not married. Don’t live together. Two other DC to consider. Over 40 etc. Genuinely hope all works out fairytale but for those of us in real world we just trying to point out it might not be ideal (though hope it is).

Clearly not!

Op I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. 2kids. Finally left thought I’d be single forever. Met someone else, got pregnant after a few months at 35 and now married been together 13 years. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith x

I did this and as others have suggested, the new partner who was so lovely after a year turned out to be not lovely and I was left holding the baby while he had affairs and then I divorced him for adultery. We didn’t live together until we married and I was pregnant which was stupid.

Live together for a few years and see how it goes. I know you feel this is a last chance for a baby but honestly, the two you have are at a golden age so enjoy that now and then enjoy the freedom you’ll get when they’re older and if you’re still with your partner you can enjoy things alone with him.

I think you’re worrying about the fact that your children are growing up and that your future is looking less certain in regard to your relationships. You thought you would get to this point with your husband and go on to share the next stage of life together.
You are now considering filling that void with a baby with a man you really don’t know very well.
This has the potential to have a catastrophic impact of your children who have already experienced a huge amount of trauma.
Try to focus your life on gaining meaning from something that will strengthen your relationship with your children. Not add strain to it.