Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Your age, his age, length of relationship etc are all minor concerns, the biggest concern for me is your current children.

I have been in a similar position with my two kids who are now young adults. They don't have any relationship with their dad anymore and they both struggled so much with abandonment issues once they hit their teens. Your kids are at the easiest age ever probably at the moment but you have no idea what the next 3-5 years are going to bring. Both of mine needed therapy and lots of love, attention, reassuring getting through those years. I had many sleepless nights worrying about their well-being.

The thought of going through that and having a toddler to deal with as well terrifies me. It might not feel fair, but you starting a new family with a new baby will add to their fear of abandonment and might create feelings of being replaced. I was a super solid parent, didn't meet anyone else (well I dated a bit but they didn't know about that), dedicated my life to making sure they were OK after the divorce, but even with my best efforts their dad showing his true colours and abandoning them really did a number on them.

Thank you so much @Lapequenalulu its really interesting to hear about your experience. Congratulations on your baby and I am so pleased for you that things are going so well.

Yes, I have noticed that its mostly just opinions rather than anyones lived experiences, so im not taking on board any of the very weird things that people have written. Some people have given interesting perspectives, but not anything that I had not considered already.

Thanks again and enjoy this time with your family x

The age gap with your other children is not an issue IMO. On the contrary, older half siblings make fantastic extra pairs of hands keeping little ones entertained.

The issue is resources: do you have enough of them (money and time and house and logistics etc) for three children and a husband?

That's always true of any marriage or decision. Doesn't mean no one should do anything. There will always be a horror story.

It doesn't have to be doom and gloom. Blended families don't have to be a disaster, not everyone has to split up, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

We considered it. We had a DC each. What we decided was absolutely right though. We stayed living apart until the DC were at a good age to blend (7 years actually) so we could focus on them and their education. We always holidayed together, weekends etc.

If we had decided to have a baby together it would be 5 now, I can’t imagine having a 5 year old in the situation we have.

We were super sensible, did the right thing. Our DC are great, happy that we moved together now.

I would not have wanted a baby whilst my DD was a teen and going through her GCSES

Omg the amount of nonsense I’ve just read. Me and my brother are 12 years difference (I’m older) and that’s the age gap I would’ve preferred for my kids as well! I see women with a toddler and a baby constantly saying how it’s the worst decision they ever made, neither of the kids gets all the love and attention they want, and there’s so much stress and screaming. I was entering my teens when my brother was born and I was SO grateful for my mum having something else to focus on, cause that gave me freedom to explore and enjoy in my teens. My brother and I have the best relationship now and he’s much closer to me than my parents, so that sorts out the “you’re too old” comment too. I’m also financially independent (unlike our parents) and happy to step in for anything he might need.
I’m also 39 and pregnant with my first child. I don’t see an issue with my age nor do I think it’s selfish to have a child now. When I look back at my 20s I wouldn’t given myself a plant to take care of!! People overestimate the validity of their life choices which is normal, I know I would’ve been a much shittier mum in my 20s than I will be now and I’m grateful for the timing.
all that being said, I would worry about not knowing this person, not living with them, and my two kids - my parents were together when they had my brother. Not sure how I would’ve been if it was another man in the picture. You’ve got two, you don’t know this man very well, there’s a lot going on and I do think this is a decision that might have so many bad consequences down the line (which are easily foreseeable now)

My brother and sister in law were in this position and it worked out well for them. Got together in their late thirties, SIL had a baby at 41. Married a couple of years after that. Bigger age gap though. Her older DC were teenagers by the time baby arrived. They dote on their little sibling.

You need to at least move in with this man though before you get too carried away. You never really know someone until you’ve lived with them.

I think people aren’t weighing in with their own experiences because it’s an unusual situation, to actively plan a pregnancy at 40 with a new partner. And it’s unusual because it’s ill-advised. You seem like a lovely person but you have two children who must be your priority. I think your time for this kind of magical thinking has passed.

I did recently have a baby at 40 and I have two older children. So in some ways similar. The difference is that all children are with my DH and the third child was a surprise, not planned.

Obviously having a baby is hard work, physically demanding and sleepless nights. There are days out and holidays I would love to be doing at this stage with my older children but I know I can’t manage the three of them on my own with a very active now toddler who wants to run and crawl around and put everything in his mouth. For example I’d like to go to the zoo or a museum but for the last 6-8 months the baby wouldn’t be happy to be in the pram all day, I can’t carry him all day and his walking isn’t yet good enough for days out. My older children have therefore had to make sacrifices to their little brother.

We are financially secure and I do work four days per week. I took a full year off work after having the baby which allowed me to be there for the other two after school and in the holidays. However, I feel quite thinly spread across work and three children. There are a lot of moving parts to juggle, someone is always sick or has some problem to deal with which makes work hard particularly as my DH and I have to juggle.

Of course the baby is amazing and we are all madly in love with him which helps a lot. My eldest child and the baby make each other laugh a lot. It’s just hard and I’m glad I am in a secure marriage for this crazy journey.

Don't remember the young baby years with rose tinted glasses. They are really tough. The sleep deprivation, the teething, illnesses, what if you get a bad sleeper etc. all of this will take its toll on you and you have no idea what kind of father your new bf will be. You might even break up over it.

I say this as a mother to an 11 year old and a 10 month old. I adore my baby but at 40 I'm finding it much harder than I ever thought I would. She's not a mistake and very much wanted but I probably should have enjoyed what we all had previously a little more than giving in the baby cravings.

@Broodyat40it’s probably helpful to know that broodiness around this stage is quite normal. Partly because you’re approaching the age when it’s your ‘last chance’ but also because with the ages of your current children, you’ve got enough distance from the baby days to view them through rose tinted specs. You romanticise the newborn years and imagine pushing a pram with a peacefully sleeping baby and forget the endless sleepless nights then the toddler tantrums.

that feeling is probably always there however many children you have. I have three, and when they were 10,8 and 6, I had just turned 43 and remember a little flutter of ‘wow, we could have another’ - before giving myself a stern talking to and realising that definitely wouldn’t want a child starting reception with 3 older siblings in high school. Nor would I want the older ones all left home away at uni or in jobs and a younger one just embarking on high school.

The hormones can hit you however many kids you have. Let your rational brain make the decision, not the chemicals in your body

Your age, his age, length of relationship etc are all minor concerns, the biggest concern for me is your current children.

Yes this says it perfectly. You have a really nice set up - kids settled after an upsetting time, new man who seems nice but you dont live together so more time to get to know him comfortably, no pressure from him, you're still young enough to have many fun active years ahead with your kids, partner and just doing stuff for yourself.

A baby MIGHT be great but could also ruin a lot of those things. It's risky.
I had a baby at 40 myself (nearly a 10 year gap with my older child) and no regrets, she's amazing. But I was (am) with the same husband and we'd been struggling with secondarily infertility for years so it wasn't really intentional to have that gap and our son was desperate for a sibling (which he wouldn't have been if he already had one).

Sometimes it pops into my head that it could all have gone wrong, for example if the baby had been severely disabled (more common with older parents) which would have caused lots of difficulties.

My hormones went nuts after I had her and kept whispering to me "you've probably got time for just one more" but I managed to ignore them and they did go away again and now I'm so glad we stopped at two.

Its been a year. Thats far to soon given you have two young children . They need to be your priority. They need all your attention and time. They have lost their father . They dont need a substitute they hardly know and a new baby.

So you’ve only posted to hear people say what you want them to say? To go ahead and have another baby?
For your kids sake, don’t.

I had my youngest in my late 30s. Fine at the time. 10 - 12 years on, a hideous combination of hormones.

There are some other things that have happened which I wont add as it's identifying, but my kids dad also left for someone else. My kids have been very impacted by this, as have I, I wouldn't contemplate having another.

I think honestly, that the stakes are TOO high for a woman in your position.

And while I don't have a blended family myself, I am the product of one. It wasn't successful!

Yeah the reason you’re not getting much validation in terms of “lived experience” is because it’s a fucking stupid idea 🤣

Seriously, stop and think of your existing children. Their lives have been torn apart yet you are crashing into another relationship very quickly and thinking of another baby with a man you hardly know.

I think before you even go into the emotional stuff such as how your existing kids would feel, if he is a keeper etc think about the practicalities, the big one being can you afford a house/flat big enough to accommodate everyone either on your own or as a couple. Are your older children able to share a room or is one going to end up sharing a room with a toddler? So many threads on here with bedroom sharing problems especially with blended families.

My partner is younger than me and part of the reason I set in stone no children is not wanting to risk being a single parent working myself to death til retirement raising a child.

You just never know.

No @Jumimo I asked for people's experiences. The experiences of strangers are relevant to me, whether good or bad. The opinions of strangers however, are not relevant to me. I will live my life however I see fit and I feel really bad for people who would read the nonsense on here and live their lives based on that. But hearing about how other people have navigated similar situations has been really helpful.

Don’t take it on board then.

read through the many, many threads on here about people who’ve moved on far too quickly with a new man at their children’s expense, often finding themselves single again with a baby because they’ve acted too quickly, or the adults on here dealing with the fallout from poor parenting. You sound pretty selfish and are only engaging with the posters who are supporting you.

hi. just wanted to add my experience from the opposite side i guess. i have 2 teen boys. been divorced for one year. EXH (43) already engaged (to F41) and planning a new baby. my boys have really struggled to accept the pace of change in terms of the new partner and potential new baby. they have no interest in babies and are fearful of losing their dad to a new partner AND a new baby. just take care of your current children and put them first. good luck x

This is my thread, I can engage however I please, so please feel free to go away if you are unhappy with my levels of engagement @idontgetitdoyou

OP I don’t have the lived experience you are looking for, but there are so many examples across MN, you only need to read about half the chats on here to realise how hard blended families and step children can be and the issues caused.

You’re obviously just going to go and do it anyway, why even bother posting? 😂

Thank you @EllaPepper Its interesting to read about things from the opposite side, I appreciate your post x