Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Not fair on your kids .

Wait until you know he is a good man.
Notice how helpful and kind he is.

Is marriage important?

I would only consider having a baby with someone who I wasn’t married to if I was independently wealthy. I would want the knowledge that I had the wealth to fund my baby’s upbringing on a part-time salary if my partner decided to walk away, giving me zero right to his assets/pension for my child’s upbringing/future.

But do YOU really want this? Or are you influenced by the fact that he’s only 35 and has no biological children? Honestly, i wouldn’t do it.

You've got two kids heading into senior school.who would probably like your time to be spent on them not a new man and new child.

“He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.”

In that case he can’t be that bothered about becoming a parent, people who want children leave someone who doesn’t want them.

I would also warn against this op from the perspective of your children.

1 year is absolutely nothing and i think you know that.

But it also sounds like your kids have been through a lot and have lost their dad. They are going to have a hard enough time adjusting to your new partner. And a new baby will only take your focus away from them.

I was a bit older than your kids, but my parents split, i lost my dad, and my mum just focused on her new partner. If they had had another baby, i don’t know what i would have done.

My mum and her partner are still together over 20 years later. But those years damaged my relationship with my mum and her partner has never been a father figure to me.

Please put your kids first.

I mean - why on earth do you need someone to tell you this?!?!

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

This is such an odd thought process. You seem to be saying "I am such a bad judge of character that I might as well have a baby with someone I just met recently."

I would agree with all the others who say that this would be unfair to your young children who need you.

I think it’s unwise to consider this in a relatively new relationship, not living together, no mention of how your children feel about him, etc etc. it’s your hormones screaming at you. Please put your existing children first, they may not even want to live with him.

Live together for at least a year first. This isn't just about whether you get on with him, it's how it works for your children.

you sound lovely

I was in a similar position. I and my partner are now early 50s and no children together. He has no children at all. It makes us sad honestly that we didn’t have a child when we got together and that he will never have a child of his own.

i do think living together for a while makes sense. But no one ever really knows of any relationship is going to be one that lasts forever, so we just take our chances. Marriage and relationships are generally the triumph of optimism over likelihood.

Focus on your existing children. You barely know this man as much as it feels as though you do.

You don't even live together yet , you don't know how your children will react to a stranger living with them, let alone throwing a new baby into the mix.

Not this situation but had a baby at 42. It's tiring. I am less enthusiastic with him than the older ones, but fine.

If you want as baby then try and have one. He or she will be loved. And you need to have a fulfilling life; you only get one. Good luck to you all.

There are lots of unknowns so like others have suggested you need to live together to see how you get on. Does he help around the house? Because if he doesn’t he’s not going to start when a baby comes.
What job does he have? Has he a stable work history?

l’m currently pregnant at 40 so not against that the way others are. My youngest is 2 so I’m still dealing with young children. Obviously you’ve been through the baby and toddler stages but it’s been a few years. Do you truly remember how tough it can be?

I feel like you're describing it as a decision which is to do with age gap
between kids and the half-sibling/blended family side of things but I think it's
quite a bit more complex than those already complex aspects because of the huge detail that DC currently have no contact with their dad. That fact means that they are considerably more vulnerable and sensitive to big life changes such as a new sibling than they would be if they were being co-parented by two involved parents. The likelihood of them feeling abandoned again and as if they are not the priority is very high.

A year is no time at all. Please prioritise your children.

Until you live with someone you don't know them that well. How can you consider having a baby with him?
You've only been with him a year, surely your kids don't know him very well - if at all - it et either.
That would be very unfair to bring a new man and a baby into their lives, when there dad only left 2 years ago.

Definitely this. You're in perimenopause and your hormones are telling you to reproduce before it's too late.

But it is too late. Don't be daft!!!

Enjoy your man. DON'T reproduce with him.

Don’t do it.
Focus on the two, very traumatised, children you already have.

Of course, sometimes things go wrong - that's life! To always not do something just in case it fails is a very sad existence.

Another perspective to take into account and really good advice. Amongst the best I’ve seen 👍.
When I was growing up, my mum had a baby in her late 30s. The all consuming focus was the baby, and still is 🤣. Her husband left and she was left destitute with three dependents and then spent some time in homeless accommodation. Definitely consider your options very, very carefully.

As someone who did something similar, though on a longer timeline and the baby arrived after marriage - just don’t. You already have 2 lovely children, who are at an age where you can look forward over the next few years to different kinds of holidays and activities while they’re still at home. A baby takes you right back to having to fit in with a baby/toddler’s routine. Kids as they enter their teens need a lot of attention, which will be compromised if you have a baby to attend to. Plus the relationship is very new, you don’t even live together yet so haven’t even found out how your children adapt to the “blended family”. Being a step parent is hard. It’s not like having your own child and children can tell when a step parent finds them annoying to have around all the time. A shared baby between you would only exacerbate their possible/probable feelings of confusion around the new living situation.

In my case my new spouse had an affair and left me when our baby was 4. So at nearly 50 I now have 2 kids in their 20s, off doing their own thing, and am locked into single parenthood for another long stretch. Not what I planned for when I succumbed to the idea of a shared child with the person I thought was the love of my life.