Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Most of the reasoning here that you shouldn’t have another because your old children want your full attention is ridiculous. That’d apply to every single time parents decide to have a second child. And most people don’t stick at one.

Our reasoning isn’t that people should have only one or even only two kids

You're oversimplifying this@JemimaTiggywinkles We’re saying large gaps between kids are trickier because it’s very easy and tempting to cast aside teens when attention is already spread thin.

Many of us know this: Toddlers and primary age kids will command attention even when there’s a new baby in the house. And so it’s on the parents to deliver.

A teen who still needs guidance and supervision will simply withdraw from the family. Doing their own thing. They’re mostly glad that they don’t have the full attention but at the same time feel abandoned/ replaced. And that’s even more pronounced when kids have already experienced the ‘loss’ one parent.

He may really get on well with your children though having not lived together as a group you have no idea, then his actual flesh and blood comes along. Maybe there are stepparents that love their stepchildren as much as their own but it’s incredibly rare.

You also need to consider when DS especially being a teen quite soon. there can be a bit of an odd period and the males in the house can be a bit like rutting stags at this point. Now throw in a baby, toddler or very young child needing all the attention in to the mix plus you very likely being at least perimenopausal by then.

This! Also @JemimaTiggywinkles it's not about women (who already have a child or two, who are in their teens) having another baby... It's about women having a child or two (who are in their teens) having a baby with a new man, who is NOT the father of her existing older children.

Ask anyone who is 16 years old (or older) who had a new stepdad in their teens and a new half sibling (or more than one) not long after, if they were really happy about it all.

You won't find a single one who was.

I know someone who was OK about it, but it wasn't a 'blended family'.

The teenagers were with their DM, the much younger half-siblings with the father.

I haven't been in this position but I have 4 kids 26 to 17. At 40 I probably would have felt I had the energy for it and better capacity than when was a young mum, At 47 in peri I'm on my ass no way I could do kids parties school runs now id die of it

I was! Both me and my brother are no contact with our mum now.
To be fair, she doesn’t care. She’s has a new family 😂

I had one withy ex currently 8.5 and we were together 13 years. I always knew I had more love to give. So I been saving for treatment and first year of nursery fees and wanted to try so I had no regrets.

Met my current partner 3 years ago and said I'm planning on having a baby solo,. because I'm not done, at some point we'll need to see how and if we are together should I do that. No pressure one you at all. I was planning to do it for xx birthday,. we'll revisit nearer the time.
After a year we had conversations and he wanted kids, he's also 35. So we tried.
Life happened.

I've just turned 41, had my second.

Zero regrets.

It's the best. Be was a superstar in pregnancy and a hands on Dad, and a supportive partner. It's been so healing.

I'm also fully prepared to do.l it alone should anything happen. But I feel so solidly in my gut that it won't.

💟💜

And my son is so in love with his lil sister and hands on big brother. Isn't cast aside at all. I include him, we are a family.

I think it may be different if you only have one dc as a lot of dc are very keen to have a sibling and not be an only dc. If you already have 2dc then they are often well bonded and don't think another sibling is required (that's what happened with my dc). They love their younger siblings but still don't know why I did it!

I can't advise on the fact that you have children already, or how long you have known your partner. Definitely think you should live together first if possible.

But I had my 2 at 44, so would say don't worry about being an older parent. Yes, it might impact on your current children, which I can't comment on. But just in terms of your age, I'd say it's not a problem. My DH is also 5 years younger and was great at all the bike rides etc in teenage years! But I was out today with DD who has just passed her driving test and had a half day off school. She said how lovely it was to spend time together and how lucky she was that I'm at home and available (I work part time and flexibly). So not all bad...🥰.

As PPs have said, if you want another child for you, and could manage as a single parent (hopefully not having to) then best of luck!

Go for it! Why not, your still young enough to have a baby and you both want one, take the chance while you can. Babies bring joy!

Which is why MN is full of posts about the delights of motherhood.

I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I think this would be so unfair on your current children. Have they already met this new man? To have their lives completely changed by their dad leaving them, then introduced to a new man so quickly, then a baby? 😭 that's too much for them to deal with.

I'm assuming you don't live together since it's only been a year and you have kids and I don't think you can truly know someone without living with them.

I know you asked if anyone else had experience- one of my work colleagues was in a similar situation (slightly different as she didn't really want another baby, but her younger partner did) they had a baby and he is severely disabled-a risk you take when having babies at 40 unfortunately. Her boyfriend has since left her. I can assure you she regrets it.

🤮