Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

My mum met someone new when I was a similar age to your kids (and my brother) she consciously decided not to have any more babies with any more men so it didn’t impact me and my brother. We are both forever grateful

Please do not move this man in with your young children after only having known him for a year and after what your children have been through in their short lives.

See these threads on MN all the time and it makes me angry.

So the boys have been effectively abandoned by their dad? I would really hesitate before doing anything at all that could be interpreted as you not wanting them, wanting to replace them, that they are not enough for you. In this specific situation it sounds like a bad idea.

This.

It’s your hormones I promise. Enjoy what you have and your partner can focus on being a wonderful step dad.

How long have you been together? If you are financially secure and want another go for it . I’m pregnant at 44 so you have time .

Think about what’s best for the children you already have. It’s unlikely to be their mum moving in a new man and a baby to drastically reduce the time and attention they’ll receive (especially needed in their preteen and teen years).

Hello

I have a 15 year age gap between my children. I had my second child at 40. Slightly different as I'd been in a relationship with my DH for longer, we'd been together 4 years and married for 1 year. I'm 43 now with a teen and toddler.

My DH and DC1 had a relationship and lived together for a few years before DC2 came along, they got along pretty well. Once DC1 was a teen the relationship became more fractious at times, but that's also true, more so, of the relationship with their bio-dad.

DCs have a good relationship. Not really one of siblings, it's more like an aunt or uncle. DC2 adores DC1, but teenagers are very caught up in their own lives. DC1 is very protective of DC2.

I had a deal with my DH that DC1 would be my priority and he'd have to step up with DC2. I didn't want to have a second child at the expense of my relationship with my first. In practice that looks like me doing more teen related activites (lifts to concerts and exam revision) and him doing more toddler related ones. It is difficult because the toddler is very Mum-orientated and a little possessive.

Personally I've found it a real joy to have another little child around at an age where my first is ever increasingly independent, but I also always wanted another. A lot of people raise eyebrows and comment they can't imagine starting again, I just laugh along with it and think to myself it's such an individual thing because it feels like a privilege to me. I loved the early years the first time around and I love them this time too. I do not love the idea of another decade spent in the park in mid-winter quite so much.

Your question around blended families is hard because they are always complicated and often have problems, especially when it involves teens. I think it's easier when step parents enter children's lives when they are little children and can take on the role of parent properly.

Significant point: very much more tired in my 40s with second child than I was in my 20s with the first ! I'm a more solid parent now though, helped significantly by having a very engaged and supportive husband.

I also had a very bad time in pregnancy the second time around, and I've had some long term health issues around it. But that's not the normal experience as far as I know.

If I were you, the element I would be concerned about is not knowing your partner for very long before having a baby. Being a single parent wouldn't really worry me as much as being potentially stuck with a co-parent for 18 years I really disliked and had very differing views from. I've had that experience and it is truly awful.

From the point of view of being a stepparent, it's much harder to be a patient and tolerant stepparent to teenagers when you are exhausted from having a baby/toddler. But your teens won't understand that because teenagers can't see past themselves!

As for worrying about being a parent of a 10 year old at 50... I can't see it's that different to being the parent of a 15 year old at 50 and no-one blinks an eye at a 35 year old having a baby !

You have the teen and early adult years ahead of you with your current kids & they are not always easy years with the pressure of secondary school, exams, potentially university plus just kids growing up generally & the changes they go through.

And they are expensive years - kids don't become less expensive as they get older, particularly if they do choose university.

I think you should enjoy the relationship you have, live with this man & see how that goes & concentrate on making a stable life for the children you already have to enable them to cope with the teen years they have ahead of them.
You may want a baby and a big family but as adults we know we can't always have exactly what we want, that's just life.

This. Focus on your existing kids.

I got together with my now husband over 6 years ago . We had a baby 2 years into it he had been living with us for 1 year . My kids adore him even now and him and step kid get on very well ( step son was 13 when we started now 19 ) . Currently pregnant with baby number 4 at 44.
only you can determine your situation , I have a wonderful man with me who proved himself over time . No regrets
my older kids are 23 and 9 and we have a 4 year old and baby on the way . The kids love my 4 year old to bits , nothing changed on what we do regarding holidays etc , well we moved to a bigger house so nobody had to share .

“Men want children like children want a puppy”

Look how easily your partner of 15 years walked out not just on you, but his children too. You said yourself it turned out you had no idea who your ex really was, so if you really want another baby, spend some time finding out who your current partner really is first, beyond just being “lovely”. What are his values? How has he treated previous partners and why did those relationships end? What are his real, priorities, attitude to childcare, money? What are his friends like, what are his parents like?

Agreed

Oh here we go.

I know of someone who had two children already same sort of ages, so did her partner. They had a baby together around 40 or a bit older and things seem to be working very well.

I also have a friend who met her husband around 27, he was 25 years older, about 52. They now have two beautiful children and are very happy.

I also have a relative who had two babies after 30, her husband was 30 years older. Also went very well.

I know the latter two are age gap, rather than anything else, but I think you have to feel deeply if it would work for your family, as all things are possible. PS, I may be biased as I would like a second baby and am around the same age as you.

Presumably at 6 years in (the stage you're at now) the OP was very happy with her husband too. Current happiness is no prediction of permanent marriage.

It's a big risk. She's 40. VERY new relationship. Two current children who have had their relationship with their father severed. Another baby being thrown into the mix would further traumatise them. Those 2 children should be the focus. Not the blended family dream which as we know usually is more of a nightmare.

There will always be the outliers who tell you they had a decade gap and then another baby and it was all amazing. But the reality is that with very big age gaps like this, you’re bringing up children with hugely differing needs. Even if they all have the same dad, it’s going to be tricky, developing routines and doing activities which work for the whole family. It’s not just the first few months when you have a newborn who can basically tag along to most places in a pram; before you know it, you have a noisy toddler running around who you can’t take your eyes off, while also trying to navigate the teenager years.

there must have been a reason you didn’t have a third when you were with your ex and the kids were still young (it sounds as though everything was fine until he left two years ago) which suggests even more that this is hormones rather than a considered decision to have a third child.

I’m speaking as a mum of 3 myself but the difference being, dh and I always planned 3, we had them
close together, 4 year old, 2 year old and a newborn. It was hard work I won’t deny it, but this was in the context of marriage to someone I’d already been with for over a decade. Your situation sounds far more like hormones telling you it’s your ‘last hurrah’ for having a baby, and probably an element of romanticising the baby years because you’ve got some distance from it with your children being older.

of course if you do go ahead, you may feel you don’t regret it because people rarely regret another child, particularly if it’s the mother really feeling an urge for another one. But will it honestly enhance life for your existing children? And the fact that you are questioning how you can really know whether your partner is a good man who will stick with you is a shaky foundation on which to bring another person into the world

I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. Always wanted another baby. He would like one. But I decided I didn’t really want to live with dp while my children are young. I also would not want to be a single mum again to more children. I think you need to weigh up the worries. I also wouldn’t want to rush. A year isn’t a long time. Plus personally I think living together will tell you a lot about your relationship before you have a child.

35 is quite late to want to start a family? Really?

I was 36 when I had my last child (after years ttc) and I didn’t know it at the time but I was only a few years off some exhausting health conditions. I had a wonderful husband but no wider family help, and I had to work full time throughout to pay the mortgage/bills etc, but this has now taken its toll. My DS also has ASD and ADHD, and I can’t help wondering if my older status at conception contributed here. Would I do it again? No. His much older sibling got my best, carefree years.

Christ you don’t even live together. You don’t know him at all really - it’s very easy to present yourself however you like when you are able to come and go. I mean think about it, you’re still just dating really. It’s a bit premature to be talking babies.

Enjoy him, enjoy being wined, dined and all the rest but please just focus on rebuilding the lives of your existing children before making a new one.

Are you living together at the moment?

You’ve still to experience perimenopause (all different but can be brutal) and the teenage years. Babies can place enormous strain on relationships. That’s without added complications of blended set up. You sound like you’ve made your mind up but at least go in eyes open. The very thing you crave could end up not being the happy ending you envisage. Personally would rather be 50 with an 18 and 20 year old than still having teenager nearly 60…

The most important people in this whole equation are the 8 & 10 year old.

Do they want a baby?

My BFF did something similar. She already had 3 children by two previous husbands.

At 41 she was desperately broody. She met someone, relocated with him within 6 months, married him within a year and was pregnant soon after.

Apart from the fact that the baby (now a delightful young woman) has been an absolute joy it was probably her worst decision ever. She is now tied financially to this third husband because they work together. Ever since Covid the business is struggling and money is incredibly tight. He has previously undisclosed mental health and addiction problems which mean his contribution to the workload is very limited and the whole relationship is toxic No physical abuse but plenty of verbal and emotional abuse on both sides.

At a stage in our lives when she should be contemplating a peaceful retirement she is struggling to keep a roof over her head whilst living in a very unhappy home.

how confident are you that he's going to be a good stepdad to your two kids? if you've only been seeing him for a year how much time has he actually spent with your kids?

if you move him in and have a baby with him what are you going to do if he favours the baby? as mum you're going to be focused on your newborn especially if you're breastfeeding. how are your existing kids going to feel watching you and him being mummy and daddy, when their own dad has ditched them?

what will you do if one or both of your kids is unhappy with him living there, or if they clash and don't get on?

you need to think of the best interests of the kids you already have before you bring another one into the world. I've got ketchup in the cupboard older than your relationship. I know age is a factor if you want another baby but sometimes what the heart wants is not what's best in the long run.