Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

No one is going to come on and say they regret having another are they? Take the advice of those saying don’t do it.

This. They need to come first.

You don’t get to decide who replies. Most posters on here have plenty of experience of relationships and having children.

How serious are the potential harms? How likely are they? What are the actual benefits of having a baby with someone you don’t know (that you don’t live with, that you aren’t married to)? What would happen if the worst case scenario played out? Who would look after your children? Do you have a will? Will your children be financially provided for? Can you financially and emotionally provide for a child with a disability? What effect would this have on your existing children? Are you avoiding questions such as has he met your children, how do they get on, and what have your children expressed? Are your children still suffering from the breakdown of their parents relationship and their loss of a father?

No one cares what you do but you bring it to mumsnet, you get lots of opinions.

To ask about peoples experiences @Jumimo and yes, I do intend to live my life however I see fit. But It is great being able to read about what others have been through, whether its because they have done it themselves, or a friend has, or if they were raised in a house where something similar has happened.

My sister planned a baby in similar circumstances with someone she was not yet living with.

When they moved in together when she was in the late stages of pregnancy, she realised that he was a dreadful person. He didn’t do anything for the baby, never changed one single nappy, made one meal or one load of washing, or anything around the house.

He was a complete narcissist, whose mother had waited on him hand and foot, and expected the same from a partner.

My sister ended up back living with my parents as a single mother, and a deadbeat No Contact father.

She had no idea he was like that until they moved in together, not did any other member of our family

Sorry to rain in your parade but that was my sister’s experience and I wondered if you would be better seeing what it’s like living with him first.

Im so sorry your sister went through that. That is so bad. Thank you @TheWK This post was really helpful and again, i am sorry your sister went through that x

I don't think anyone can know for sure, and any advice is going to be clouded by our own experience.
My view nowadays is always to err on the side of caution. He would like a baby, but is he prepared to be a very hands-on dad (night waking, pick up, drop off, leave from work when little one is poorly etc.) because you are entering what should hopefully be a period of calm. Your kids are of an age where you are wanted and needed but not with the 24/7 intensity of little children, and you should hopefully have more time to focus on yourself and your dreams.
If your dream is to have another baby, then absolutely do it. But make sure you've thought through your options and what you can/want to manage at this phase of life.

Also - moving this guy in and having a baby with him will give him a position in your childrens' lives that he currently doesnt have. Is this a good idea? I have seen to many 'blended' families that seem as though they have truly been through an emotional blender. If anything happened to OH I swear to myself I would not subject my child to a stepfather. And that comes from someone who loved their stepfather. I have just seen wayyyy too many examples of it all going wrong, women prioritising new partner and children as colatoral damage.

@Broodyat40 you've always wanted a bigger family, you want a baby, he wants a baby - so this is a wanted expansion of your family. All the reasons people are giving could be the same with a first child too. Unless your two older children would be dead against this then I think I'd go for it.
I'd definitely want to live together first, and think about how you'd feel if your partner did leave. Would he stay involved with the child? Do you have family to help? Who is your support network?
I know a family who had 2 children each, then went on to have their own child both at just over 40. They are now the happiest they have ever been, both co-parenting amicably with their exes and the older children adore their younger sibling.
I'd also be thinking that this is your last opportunity, and if it's something you've always wanted will you always regret it?
Nobody can know how things turn out. It could go wrong. It could be fine! I think if you've accepted all possibilities, and considered the whole family unit then I would go ahead.
My best friend was together with her partner (he has 1 young child from previous relationship) for just over 6 months before they moved in together, they've only been together a year now and they are engaged and pregnant. My friend is nearing 40 and wanted to prioritise children because she knew she wants children and her biological clock was ticking. She had also very much considered doing it alone and has a good family network, and she went for it. They both insist that they just "knew" they were right for each other, and to be honest they absolutely are. Things can sometimes go right.

Speaking as someone whose DM had a second family, think really carefully about this. I was 7 and felt sidelined for the rest of my childhood. The attention that babies need is more obvious than older children but yours will still need you (I have a 12yo). Possibly my DM didn't realise or possibly she had children with her second partner in order to cement the relationship. The consequences were the same for me. It was crap.

I've always admired MIL's decision to not have more children with her partner after she and FIL divorced because she knew she'd be tempted when she was loved up. DH really appreciated her doing that.

Thank you @Kizmet1 thats such a balanced response and I appreciate it. I do consider my career and having to step back from that for a few years. I love my job and i am in a place where balancing work and family has become much easier, so yes, on top of everything else, that is something that would drastically change too. The reality of sleep deprivation and juggling everything again is on my mind. It has been a decade since i've been through the baby stages and that is a significant amount of time. Thanks again :)

My parents had 2 more kids when my brother and I were about this age. We didn't resent them exactly but I'm 100% sure that if they were half siblings following a parental separation we would have done. It did impact a lot on our teen years. Things were expensive, stretched, very tough. At the point that I left home my mum was now as I recognise deep in perimenopause and I was pretty much forgotten until I showed up for visits. (I don't actually mean they forgot me, but they were too busy and preoccupied to pay much attention, and I got into my first abusive relationship and various other unpleasant things without them noticing)
I met my 2nd DH at age 38 and my DS was 10. He told me outright that he didn't want me to have another baby - I wasn't planning on it anyway - but his view was important to me. Moving a non related adult into a tween's life and home is really destabilising for them. Adding in another baby is a recipe for total disaster IMO.

OP, I went out with a younger man after fifteen years of marriage, and thought that I would like to have a baby with him. Fortunately, it never happened - it would have been a disaster. I was all loved up with him and thought that he, and having a baby with him, would be the ideal solution - it really wouldn’t have been. Our relationship lasted two and a half years - and then he moved on. With the benefit of hindsight, it would have been utter rash selfish irresponsibility to have had a baby with him, and I would have been left to bring it up. Look long and hard at what you have, and really, don’t be in too much of a hurry to jump into living with your new fellow. It’s easy to have your head turned, but the reality of everyday living, to say nothing of what is in your existing children’s best interests, means proceeding with caution rather than rash impetuosity. You need to think of your ten and eight year old.

Depends entirely on how high the stakes are, surely? And whether other people are impacted by our choices. In this situation, one of the main risks is damaging the childhoods of the existing children. That’s not a risk I’d want to take, personally.

You don’t know him after a year and especially if you haven’t lived with him.

I am single, same age gap as your propose, 2 dads. Mine was an unplanned pregnancy. My ex is nothing like the man he was in the first year. I tried desperately to make it work but we were completely incompatible and he could not keep up the pretence of having the same outlook / values and interest as me and it was pretty miserable (he also did less and less round the house and was completely passive about everything!)

Thank you for wording this so kindly and without judgment @MinnieMountain I really appreciate that and I appreciate you sharing your experience and the impact it had. x

Thanks so much for everyones time. Its appreciated. I am leaving for work now - I've read so many threads over the past few weeks where people say things like 'OP wont be back because she doesn't like what we are saying' So, I just need to be clear that I have a busy day ahead so wont be able to read or respond. Thanks again x

You do realise you're bound to receive more opinions than stories of lived experience, as most people are wise enough not to do what you're considering?

You need to think of the worse case scenarios. What happens if you break
up? Are you able to still work with a baby and financially support yourself. Come 45 you slowly become
more invisible to the job market I have found recently and with a baby you could be completely invisible.

I know two women who did this, 9 year age gap & 7 year age gap, and both have ended up single parents to all of the children now. As others have said the person someone is after dating for a year is not the same person you meet when living together/sharing bills/sleep deprivation etc and those relationships didn’t stand the test of time there. I don’t think either would say they regret it because they love their children but their lives are much harder now, one of them their youngest is ND which adds another layer of complexity.

One of my best friends parents also did this, her & her brother are 2 years apart, parents separated and mum had another baby when my friend was 14, their relationship has just never really recovered from that. She ended up a single parent and so naturally her time was split with a baby/toddler and two teens who needed her, she did the best she could but it was just hard for everyone x

I have some perspective on what you are asking as I had 2 children in my early 20s and then 2 later, the last at 40. All 4 were with the same husband though. It was really hard on the older 2 sometimes and very hard to mesh the needs of 2 different age
groups. As adults they are actually very close so I don't regret it but definitely wouldn't recommend having a baby at 40 with someone I have only known for a year as you really do need to be able to count on your partner, and so do your older children. There are just too many ifs and maybes in your scenario. Could you consider freezing your eggs?

I think you can have a baby if you can if you would like one. However your main considerations are the affect on your current children, a new partner and new baby would be a huge upheaval for them and sounds like they’ve possibly been through a lot if you’ve split not to long ago from your ex. Your other consideration is how you’d cope if you split with you current partner.

I'd put my existing kids first and not bother but you're obviously going to do it. I bet he's already in their lives whether they want him there or not.

Just on the age gap question - my brother ( only sibling, same parents) is nearly 9 years older than me, we have always had a lovely relationship and the gap turned to nothing as we grew older. But it wasn’t the same sibling relationship that I could see with my own children (2 3/4 years apart) - I regarded him as being one of the adults in the family when I was a child. Your existing children could be about 12 and 10 if and when a new sibling is born, if you do decide to start trying soon and then carry the pregnancy, so the difference will be even more marked.

I agree with PP that this is not the case of having a settled divorce/separation behind you with reasonably managed co-parenting established then meeting someone, building a new relationship, moving in together and calmly deciding to have a child together. Your children must be so hurt and confused by their father’s actions, you have a boyfriend not yet a partner and everything seems very hasty, driven by your existing desire for another child, the ticking of the biological clock and the hormonal and emotional push towards a last child ( had it myself, I empathise , but logic and finances overcame it)

Think of how the family unit is going to work in reality, with particular attention to the approach of teenager hood - your new man might like the idea of his baby but, in the absence of their father, he’s going to also have a parental role with the older children and you haven’t yet seen him in that tricky situation.

This. Your existing children are getting to an age where the are becoming more independent and where , depending on their behaviour, you can take them pretty much anywhere. Why would you add a baby into that. Particularly with a man they don't really know , who doesn't live with them and has no children of his own. It is a hell of an adjustment to go from being a 35 year old , childless man living in his own space to taking on 2 children who are very well established in a routine with their mother/ home/ clubs/ friends and then pop a new baby in the mix too. It's a huge adjustment for everyone. You know you and you know your children. You don't know how this man will react to children, mess, family noise, your rules, especially as he has no experience of any of that. What if he moves in with you and starts laying down the law because, in his man-opinion, you are too lax, too soft, have no boundaries. Once he's in its very hard to get him out, and absolute hell for your children.