Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Don’t do it.

I don’t think it’s the age gap so much. It’s more than this is a brand new relationship. Presumably he has only just met your kids? So it would need (in my mind) several years of dating before even thinking of him possibly moving in. And then thinking of a baby…it’s just too late. I’d focus on your children who’ve been through an awful time with their dad not seeing them. You can certainly have a relationship but take it slow and focus on your kids

This is the reason why I made the above comment - exactly this

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a baby after 40. Plenty of mums and dads do it. However you need to make sure you’re with this guy a few years but the talk about marriage and kids in less then a year is total lovebombing and won’t end happily.

It's completely selfish imo.

If you had no children my response would be different, but there are potentially 5 (2 adults + DC + potential baby) people involved here.

Really new relationship.

What if living together doesn't work? What if your kids just don't like him?

Your kids are only 2 years out of your family split and a new guy living in the home and a baby is going to change the whole home setup. Will you have to move? Another huge life change for them if so. All these life changes are stressful.

Your children will soon be teens. That's challenging. You'll have a much younger child taking up your attention and less time and patience to deal with serious issues that can come up.

What if you or the baby or both of you have health issues?

What if they decide they'd rather live with their dad in a few years?

There's so many ways this could go wrong for you and especially for your kids, I wouldn't be doing this.

As someone going through the menopause I am often very relieved I don’t have young children to parent. I really wouldn’t have the patience.

Mumsnet is the place for LTB rather than helpful advice. I am 40 lying next to my beautiful 2 month old baby that I had with my partner 1 yr into the relationship. At our age relationships move fast and we know what we do and dont want and hopefully you and your partner have equally put in the work.

Its understandable you want to rewrite your path and a child with a partner you love feels the way forward. My partner is 49 and has done the dating scene and not at risk of ever experiencing fomo, the only thing he missed out in life is building his family. He has been amazing throughout my pregnancy and newborn trenches. I dont know how i would feel about a younger partner.

That being said I agree he should live with u and DCs 1st. We had been on holidays together with my 14 year old and he spent lots of time over and they really liked each other, however, they are now getting in each other's way when my grumpy teen son blasts his music, leaves a mess and eats all the contents of the fridge in an hour. Neither one is used to sharing me and its hard for them both and sometimes my partner struggles to feel the house is his too. I wasnt able to do anything with my son last trimester of pregnancy whereas I was very present before, and I still can't now with a newborn and at the blink of an eye he will be 18.

At 40 and post divorce I built a beautiful life for myself and the sudden loss of autonomy and Independence hit me harder than expected.the loss of a sex life so early in the relationship is also especially hard and im hopeful with open communication we can make a comeback but i worry about it frequently, especially with a colicky and clingy baby with reflux and allergies.

On the plus side I had a healthy pregnancy, birthed a 9lbs baby in a natural water birth and my daughter is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and my son loves being her big brother. So far, my partner is still the best thing ever, takes incredible care of us , is currently in the kitchen cleaning and sterilising bottles and im grateful for the life i have ( and to get out of the newborn trenches soon)

Hope that helps and gives u a balanced view x

Couldn’t think of anything worse .

@Lapequenalulu , So far, and they are now getting in each other's way.
Once the novelty of being a new dad has worn off...

can I ask what his current living situation is ? What about his past relationships ? He’s quite late to want to suddenly start a family , How often does he spend time with your kids ? Does he really get along with them ? Does he have a decent job? do you? Can he and you afford another child ? And if he really wants one what happens if you can’t convince?
It all sounds a bit rushed and hormonal

Sorry but he's not lovely if he's talking babies with you before marriage. That's scumball territory. Especially a year in.

I mean it's creepy coming from a woman too tbf but it's not as if a baby can actually trap a man. It absolutely could tie a woman to a shithead indefinitely though.

I mean maybe he's just a jerk that doesn't care cause he figures you'll do all the parenting anyway. But it still shows à distinct lack of respect for you.

Even if you're bringing it up his answer should be 'hell no, I've only known you a year and you have other kids to think of'. He's not to be trusted. Sorry! At best he hasn't thought through the implications/doesn't care as has no inclination to actually parent the child. At worst, he thinks it'll babytrap you and he's all for that.

Come on now op raise your self respect bar. And think of thr kids you already have. At a year in this guy could be anyone. 3 year minimum, minimum, miiiinimum to even think of trying for kids. And if you EVER want to marry him, he steps up to that place first.

I would give it a little more time (not too long but some) - and very intentionally see how he is with your kids/how they are with him and how you are all together. That will tell you a lot.

But honestly, if you can truly say you have seriously thought about this, not just wrapped up in the newness of it - and you still think this is what you want then go for it! Like is short, you only get one and it doesn't have to look like everybody else's.

DH and I got pregnant within 6 months, married at 9. He had 2 kids from before and I was 39. There were so many reasons people were raising their eyebrows but I knew it was the right thing for us. 6 years later, 2 beautiful babies and a lovely family. We're very happy.

And ps, not to shit you up further but paedophiles often spend a whole year or more grooming the mother before even starting on the kids. There are courses on the darkweb apparently. And paedophile are not rare.

Have your two children expressed any desire to have a baby sibling? Not that they get a say, but it might help sway your decision.

I have an 8 year-old with my ex, he left me when she was a baby (still in her life though) and I now have a baby with my now partner. She desperately wanted to be a big sister.
My partner works away during the week so it’s just me and the two girls and we make a right little team. She’s an amazing big sister and so helpful and because baby can’t talk yet we still have all of our one-on-one conversations and then she trots off to play.

Do what feels right for you and your family. Don’t live in fear of what others might say or think, you’ll never be happy living that way.

I became pregnant with my 2nd child after a year of being in a relationship and not too long after the split with my 1st’s dad. It wasn’t planned but we discussed having children together, and I knew he was the love of my life and a good man.

I’ll be honest, we have a lovely family life now. My DS (7) adores his step dad and his 10 month old sibling. Me and dp work so well together and it’s been a breath of fresh air compared to what I went through having a baby with ex-p. Dp is also a positive male role model that my DS needs in his life and is unlikely to get from his bio father. We were careful to ensure that Ds and dp developed a good relationship, and we took time to think about how best to involve Ds with the pregnancy/new baby at each stage so he always felt included but didn’t feel forced to engage if he didn’t want to.

People are very judgemental and pious about this sort of situation. But I think if you want more children, provided your current children are happy with your dp in their life and can be provided for, then you should go for it. So long as your current children are not pushed out and you understand the dynamics between them and your dp, such a situation, with clear intention and thought, can become a positive experience for them, given that they have no relationship or contact with their own father.

What are both your financial situations?

Having tax clients who have run the gamut, the biggest regret in regards to the children (they look at me as a therapist often times) has always been the lack of planning. Since I am looking at their financial picture, they never realize about the loss of a partner (either passing or simply leaving), uni, primary and secondary school (even public here is expensive with supplies, outside activities, etc.). The mental health they deal with in trying to maximize their own ability to live, it is tough to listen to. As long as you choose to take your time and protection to avoid accidents, look at it from all sides without the emotion. Just ask yourself if you can deal with not only the financial but also handling the emotional toll you'll face if you're alone, as well as if your partner could do it without you for your own children because no one is ever promised tomorrow.

YABU, focus on the two children you already have. They deserve a stable family unit

It would be really selfish and risky to try for a baby with this very new boyfriend when you have two children already who should be your priority. It's highly likely that you would end up separated from the father again (sorry to be stark but it is) and your children will not thank you for bringing another child into their lives to take your attention, money, time when they need you. You would be doing it to satisfy your own wishes which is not the right reason.

You didn't know at that point, you hoped and believed. You were lucky. Plenty of other women know too and end up very very wrong.

Op if you’re worrying at all that you could be a single mother or about your age after ten years your cons for you totally outweigh the pros. I’d also agree to take the energy you’d put into having and looking after a newborn and use it to steady life with your kids, who haven’t had the easiest time because of their dad

I was an older mum and threw caution about not knowing my ex long enough to the wind a little to have the kids I really wanted. Of course he turned out not to be either the man or dad I wanted but at least I had my kids so I can’t regret taking the chance.

However if I already had two kids I don’t think I would go for a third a decade on. The risks are too high at that point that I would compromise my attention for my existing kids and end up dealing with two different ex-twats while financially straining myself.

Think about the kids you have and put their needs first. This post is all about what you want. A year isn't a long relationship. Give it more time. I