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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

456 replies

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 20:32

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

OP posts:
forcedtonamechange · 10/02/2026 20:40

do you have money saved to rent somewhere though?

what will you do if you leave today? Where will you go?

if you stay til pay, will you be more financially secure?

can ds stay at his friends for tonight whilst you get a plan together?

❤️ handhold for you, I know it’s tough

xOlive · 10/02/2026 20:48

Has your H ever been physically abusive or is he a risk?
Would he physically stop you from leaving if you were to start packing for example?
Or are you going to have to flee?

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 20:53

He has been abusive once in 2023 more than verbally and I told the doctor about the incident and social worker also came home and spoke to H and me as son was at home (13 then) when it happened - it was a scuffle type incident but extremely scary.

Yes he may get aggresive when he knows we are leaving or he may react calmly . I am not sure what his reaction will be; even though there is lot of throwing it around I do not think my warnings to him have been taken seriously that we really will leave.

Why is he wrecking his relationship with his son like this ? I still do not understand this at all

OP posts:
Coldiron · 10/02/2026 20:54

If your DS is saying he wants to go now I would listen to him.

Sc00byDont · 10/02/2026 21:02

I’m so sorry. 💐
If it’s safe, stay tonight. If it becomes unsafe call the police.
Can you speak to women’s aid tomorrow?Get some practical advice from them? Is there anyone at school that could help?
Do you have a grab bag packed? If not, try to get one together without your husband seeing. I’m not sure staying until after the exams will help your son. I think you need to get out sooner and get on with living a better life without your abusive husband.

Lovelyview · 10/02/2026 21:08

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You should be able to get an airbnb at short notice this time of year. Find somewhere that has a fortnight available and contact them to ask for a discount for booking two weeks. It will be cheaper and more comfortable than a hotel room. Good luck.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 21:15

I have enough money in my account for an air BnB in Edinburgh, just a bedroom with an extra sofa (I will take the sofa) and a bath, with the kitchen and living shared with other Airbnb guests in the house - till the salary at the last week of this month. However, he has access to the account, it is a joint account to take my salary balance out if he wanted to be spiteful so my card would fail when I tried paying an airbnb

My head is racing with a million catastrophizing thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 21:16

Lovelyview · 10/02/2026 21:08

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You should be able to get an airbnb at short notice this time of year. Find somewhere that has a fortnight available and contact them to ask for a discount for booking two weeks. It will be cheaper and more comfortable than a hotel room. Good luck.

thanks, nothing beyond friday, saturday the five I checked so far are booked up, as city center near school

Will look further afield

OP posts:
GreenJellyBeans · 10/02/2026 21:24

Tell your employer tomorrow that you have fled and need them to be prepared to make urgent payroll changes so you can access your wages. Set up a new bank account - you should be able to do it on your banking app with a pretty quick turn around.
Lots of work places have policies for supporting people needing to flee domestic abuse.

Women’s aid etc may help you with emergency self-contained housing - it won’t be refuge due to your son’s age. They may not be willing to place you close enough to your sons school though.

I’m sorry I don’t know the housing law in Scotland - but in England you can approach any council and ask for emergency housing for you and your son as you are fleeing domestic abuse. I’d be hopeful the same is possible local to you.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 21:28

Thank you so much @GreenJellyBeans , was just about to ask if WA would provide refuge with a 16 yo DC.

will check the link

OP posts:
GreenJellyBeans · 10/02/2026 21:31

Also if you need a safe place to be tomorrow whilst
you make arrangements, I would be shocked if your sons school aren’t very open to helping, finding you somewhere calm and private to make calls, and making you many cups of tea through the day until there is a safe plan.
Don’t be afraid of asking for professional help or the risk of a social care referral - you are doing the right things to keep your son safe and they will want to help you.

Sc00byDont · 10/02/2026 21:32

once you have a plan to leave. Whenever that is. Do it during the day. While your son is at school. Go to the bank and withdraw your money.
if the issue is your salary going in, speak to your employer tomorrow and explain that you need them to urgently change where they send your salary before you get paid. It will be tricky but not impossible to change the account at short notice. Open a new one online tonight.

EvelynBeatrice · 10/02/2026 21:33

I’m sorry that you are in this position..

Does your son have any close friends at school / do you know any of the mums? If I’d been approached in such a case, I’d have put son and mum up for at least a couple of nights.

On accommodation you might try further out but on good tram bus or train route? Edinburgh Park, Linlithgow, Musselburgh etc.

CombatBarbie · 10/02/2026 21:33

Op set up a monzo acct now, takes 5 mins and account is active immediately and can add to google pay before card arrives and tell your work tomorrow they need to recall your wages and divert to new one. Send money from joint to your new monzo.

You also can/need to declare yourself homeless to council.....dont say you are going to be in an air bnb, they will see you as suitably housed. Call shelter and womans aid tomorrow and get advice too.

EvelynBeatrice · 10/02/2026 21:35

Alternatively move a big bulky male relative in and call police if husband kicks off.

Pearlstillsinging · 10/02/2026 21:49

GreenJellyBeans · 10/02/2026 21:31

Also if you need a safe place to be tomorrow whilst
you make arrangements, I would be shocked if your sons school aren’t very open to helping, finding you somewhere calm and private to make calls, and making you many cups of tea through the day until there is a safe plan.
Don’t be afraid of asking for professional help or the risk of a social care referral - you are doing the right things to keep your son safe and they will want to help you.

This.

School needs to know what is happening because all this will affect DS's ability to concentrate on his work. I am sure they will want to help you both to leave the home/relationship safely and may have other suggestions to make about possible accommodation.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 21:54

EvelynBeatrice · 10/02/2026 21:35

Alternatively move a big bulky male relative in and call police if husband kicks off.

Really like this idea but all close family in England

Should i go there n stay near sister's house but what about school will they allow that, for us to come back closer to Nat 5, mind racing illogically , so much for months of planning I did nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 21:59

Its an edinburgh private school , can I request if they can arrange for him to take the nat 5 exams there in England ? I would feel braver next to Dsis in the SW , than alone here where he can trace which air BnB we are in from my account etc and turn up there

I am as worried for him as I am for me and DS if that makes sense. He would be shattered if he ended up being taken by the police. I know I need to leave him but I want it to be gentle on him, I feel very sorry he has completely lost my son's affection like this, though he deserves it - he still has a chance to slowly repair it with DS long distance and rebuild if the leaving now is amicable

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:06

Told son we will take the train to Eng from Sco tomorrow morning

I have not decided next steps after that, my job is fully remote with a EU based bank that have an office in London,

son school have to be told,yes

OP posts:
Pearlstillsinging · 10/02/2026 22:14

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:06

Told son we will take the train to Eng from Sco tomorrow morning

I have not decided next steps after that, my job is fully remote with a EU based bank that have an office in London,

son school have to be told,yes

If you explain to the school they may be able to arrange for DS to work/join lessons remotely although I would think he would need to attend a Sottish exam centre. School might be able to arrange for him to attend an exam centre that isn't where his father would expect him to be when the time comes.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:17

Pearlstillsinging · 10/02/2026 22:14

If you explain to the school they may be able to arrange for DS to work/join lessons remotely although I would think he would need to attend a Sottish exam centre. School might be able to arrange for him to attend an exam centre that isn't where his father would expect him to be when the time comes.

Show quote history

Thank you yes I am hoping so too, I feel less terrified now at the thought of getting a rental near my sister than alone here, I have loads of friends locally but I don't want to ask for help, even with my sister I will not take more than is absolutely required and on a temp basis till I can get us sorted- could not afford as much there re rental or afford private on my own and esp in SWE , but I know I cannot figure everything out today. I need to go one step at a time I know.....

We are going to get up at 5 and leave

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:21

genuinely scared of a physical outburst if he sees us leaving tomorrow morning, any ideas pls, call taxi to train station and not reveal suitcase till cabbie here at 6?

OP posts:
freakingscared · 10/02/2026 22:23

Call the police , let them take him overnight and apply for an emergency non molestation order . He won’t be able to return home .

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:23

Have a code word with your sister to call police.
call police or ask someone to do so for you, tell them your plan, so there’s a ‘note on the system’ as such at your address. You never know, police may do a drive by at 6am if quiet.

can you get an Uber rather than calling taxi?