Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

I hope all goes well today, OP.
I think the above suggestion of contacting the school (alongside WA) is a good one, they may be able to help.

Another one wishing you safe and best of luck. You're doing the right thing. 🎉🎉

good luck this morning OP xx

Wishing you and your son all the very best today OP. Praying you both stay safe.

Hope you are both safe.

The first thing you need to do is set up an account in only your name. Contact work and ask them to pay your salary into the new account. Take your share of whats in your account and put it in the new account. If you have a joint savings account withdraw 50 % of that and put it in your new account.

I hope it all goes well for you both.
What an awful home life for your son.
The pressure he must be under is awful. He needs to be the priority.

Not your dh or his feelings.
He wont change he has shown you that. Probably countless times.
If you do stay with him then when your ds is an adult you know he will be distant from you both .

Go to your bank NOW and open a separate account, get your salary paid into that.

OP hope you are ok. Also I just noticed your username is a bit outing you may want to change it

Thinking of you OP, hope you and your son got away successfully. X

Good luck today OP. You are doing an immensely courageous thing that in future years you will look back on and be so proud of yourself for. Please - if you can - provide an update when you are safe x

Dexter Morgan is a fictional character from a well known TV series - Dexter.

Dexter Morgan is a fictional character.

I hope you and your son have managed to get away safely this morning OP. 💐

oh didn’t know was a fictional name thanks for pointing that out!

Yes, I was coming on to say this too. Get work to change account details.

I think you need to get out asap from what youve said.

Don't be scared to call the police if you need help leaving.

Sorry youre going through this.

I am so sorry for not updating sooner - I was up so long anxious last night that I was really not at my best this morning.

We decided to go Saturday morning , as son thinks the assignment on Friday is already the last one due for SQA and wants to do it with the rest of his mates on Friday.

Probably not best that a 15/16 year old is leading my decisions , I think H killed the assertive independent decision making in me long ago and clear judgement - however, a number of you (who also seem to have children done/doing Nat5s) did outline the importance of getting it right with the school and the importance of the upcoming exams.

We are going to go there for a week and come back. Son also thinks the idea of England right now with exams in April a crazy idea, I just felt we would be likely left to ourselves instead of being chased after the further we went - but he may not chase, fingers crossed. I am looking for short rentals within my network that won't require too much process and paperwork to get the keys, as close to school as possible.

The best thing I like about the saturday plan is I was already making noises about taking DS on saturday to London for a free workshop there on a university entrance exam he needs to do next year for the course he is interested in -and then making a birthday weekend of it with family. H had already said he would not come, even though actually I did not invite him and was hoping and praying it would be just me and DS, so we would not have to spend the weekend listening to him tell us what failed humans we were.

So will have a legitimate reason to pack and go. Will take it from there. I will call council here and ask for housing as well next week, and use what support is on offer to get a place asap.

Can you buy a new phone, OP? One that doesn’t have spyware installed? And set up new email/whatsapp and new bank account that he can’t see?

Thinking about you, OP.

You have a lot going on today, but if you've got joint accounts, might be worth taking money out of them to give you extra security and before DH possibly moves funds himself.

If your DS is at a private school that does boarding and sets money aside for scholarships/burseries, they might find him a room free for days he really needs to be school based.

I think leaving on Saturday, with a legitimate reason to tell your husband is probably the better plan. Your husband has absolutely no reason to suspect that you are leaving any longer than the weekend but more importantly it allows you to leave safely. It also allows you to think about what you need to pack, whilst you are calmer.

You need to urgently set up a new bank account, so that your salary can be paid into it. You need to let your employer know the new details asap, and ask it to be paid into it this month. Buy a cheap phone, for both you and your son. Once you leave turn your phone off.

This equally allows your son to complete his assignments. He will feel less stressed if he knows these are completed.

You need to start thinking long-term. Staying away for a week or two, is one thing, but you need a plan going forward. Your son realistically needs to stay close by to school until all his assessments are complete. The less disruption the better. Another poster is correct with regards to University for your son, to qualify for free university fees, you have to continually live permanently in Scotland for 3 years. So, this needs to be thought of too.

Sounds like you can indeed get more things in place and less disruption for your son. Get the passports from the safe! Birth certs etc
set up Monzo and tell your employers and the school.

I do like the Saturday plan, that sounds perfect.

Please do use the rest of this week to set up what will happen when you get back. Organise a new personal bank account and new phones for you and DS, to be used after you leave. Speak to the school, Women's Aid, payroll, council anyone else pertinent. Get all your own and DS documents, along with copies of H's finances if you can. Don't be in the position when you return to Scotland of having to go back to the house for anything urgent.

All the best for your fresh start!

@DexterMorgansmum

OP, I think that it would be a good idea to see a solicitor this week.

www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

Contact women's aid or the council. Thank you so much for listening to your son, from a person affected massively by DV/DA as a child. 🖤🖤

Leaving Saturday is a good idea - prevents dh destabilising ds' education on top of everything else. But make sure you stay safe. Go out of the house and call your sister so she knows what is going on.

Will you be home without your dh any time before Saturday? If so have a think about all the essentials you might need and get them packed into your "weekend" bag, in particular passports. Take photos of all your financial documentation.

It's gobsmacking that your salary goes into a "joint" account to which he does not contribute. Where do his earnings go?

It sounds like you have a good plan re setting up your own account. As soon as you are safely on the train on Saturday transfer half of thd funds in every joint account to your new personal account.