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Original poster

Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

456 replies

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 20:32

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

OP posts:
PinkLegoBalloon · 10/02/2026 22:55

Stay safe op.

In your bag/case pack any ID for you and your DS. Birth certificates, passports, study stuff for ds, anything sentimental or precious that you can take, take it. It wouldn't be shocking for a man like this to destroy or with hold or destroy these things if you leave them in the house with him.

I'm assuming you are using another device to Mumsnet and book taxis if he tracks your phone?!

Chumpingtonquinces · 10/02/2026 22:55

OP can you buy a new cheap phone that he is not aware of so that he can’t see your texts etc? I hope you are both safe.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:02

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:42

How are you managing to pack etc? where is he?

i am in son room and son took an extra mattress on floor right next to the bed, so H already knows something is unusual , will at the very least know I am very upset about the incident this evening. Usually I always take guest bed if upset (till he coerces me back to master bed , like I owe him that as long as we are under same roof) . I also have not answered an angry whatsapp from H

We kept alarms for 4 and are going to throw stuff in duffels in half hour and leave but it is likely he might wake at the sound , will cross that bridge tomorrow morning - hope he does not bring down it to me having to go wake a neighbour for help or something else nightmarish

Thank you @bitterexwife

OP posts:
SuperMagicHappyForest · 10/02/2026 23:05

Sending you the best of luck for the morning and looking forward to your positive post saying you are safely on the train

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:07

GreenJellyBeans · 10/02/2026 22:39

Well done OP - you should be very proud of yourself ❤️

I would keep your text much simpler to be honest.

“I am going with DS to stay elsewhere. I am very upset by how you have behaved recently and I need to put DS‘s safety and wellbeing first. I will be in touch when I have had the time I need to think about what needs to happen next.”

THank you @GreenJellyBeans , please do not be proud of me till I actually up and leave tomorrow - I notice some strange confusion and turmoil inside me , staying with him is a habit I guess - but cruelty to me is one thing, cruelty to teen DS is a whole other thing (he was always very loving and affectionate to DS in earlier childhood years, its the teen years that are beyond him now)

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:08

PinkLegoBalloon · 10/02/2026 22:55

Stay safe op.

In your bag/case pack any ID for you and your DS. Birth certificates, passports, study stuff for ds, anything sentimental or precious that you can take, take it. It wouldn't be shocking for a man like this to destroy or with hold or destroy these things if you leave them in the house with him.

I'm assuming you are using another device to Mumsnet and book taxis if he tracks your phone?!

Mumsnet on work laptop always, not proud of it but needs must.

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:09

omg @PinkLegoBalloon , thanks but completely forgot about passports, in his study safe :-( , not sure can retrieve

we remembered school blazer etc !

OP posts:
Fushia123 · 10/02/2026 23:12

Can you make tomorrow morning as normal as usual? DS go to school and H to work? When he’s gone you can pack plenty more. Go to school and get your son. Move somewhere near school until the weekend at least. Your head and energy levels will be more stable by then. Take one day at a time but try not to make too many huge changes all at once.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:13

Chumpingtonquinces · 10/02/2026 22:55

OP can you buy a new cheap phone that he is not aware of so that he can’t see your texts etc? I hope you are both safe.

I went as far as a hotel room in 2023 @Chumpingtonquinces , got another phone and stayed with son there for 3 days with no realistic plan - SS got the call from NHS and started calling me and instead of leaning on them for support I started worrying about the house not being tidy enough when they did a home visit so came back to sort that. Son was 3 years younger then and started getting bored in the hotel room and asking to come back home

He took away the new phone as soon as I came back right after nodding along to SS warning him that coercive control was just as bad as any other abuse - hung up my getaway phone like a prize trophy reminder on his desk.

Good night

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 23:13

It would be much better for you son to stay in school until may and sit his Nat 5s. It’s too hard for him to study remotely plus he will have coursework still to do .

and no the school can’t arrange for him to sit exams remotely , SQA exams have to be done in a centre with an invigilator . He’d need to come back up to sit them .

I am hugely sympathetic to your situation but your son’s exams start in just a few weeks ( end April depending on his subjects )
it would be in his best interests for you to stay locally from now until the end of may.

if it all possible , you should try to keep some stability for your son at least until he’s through his exams. And keeping him in schooling with his will be very supportive for him.

of course if you were worried that your husband might injure or kill you or your son, then of course you should go south to be safe. But I'm not sure if that’s the case ( sorry if I’ve misunderstood) . I get that you are very scared of his anger .

yes I think you should leave him asap . But stay locally in the Edinburgh area until may .

yes speak to women’s aid Yes get legal advice, a solicitor can help you obtain an interdict with power of arrest if required . Yes tell the school and they will make sure he can’t contact your son there .

Apologies if I have misread the situation. But I’ve put four children through SQA exams and I knew how hard it is for them.. I also know how important school and a friendship group is for children going through a family break up.

Shortbread36 · 10/02/2026 23:14

My mum went through this for us- she’s 81 now and still my hero. Sending love

Ticktockwatchclock · 10/02/2026 23:15

Can you unlink your phone from the iPad and any other devices in settings? Turn off any tracking/find my phone and anything else you can change. Also, change your Apple ID password and anything else/other passwords that he has access to, including email.
Change the password to the joint bank account if online. Then transfer the money into a new Monzo account. Change your PayPal password too so he has no access to it.
Hope all goes well.

Anightaday · 10/02/2026 23:15

Hi OP does the Edinburgh private school have boarding? Maybe you could explain the situation to them and they could take him in as a boarder temporarily. Or they may have links with other schools in the city who could take him in just until he’s done his exams. I’m so sorry you’re both going through this and wish you all the best.

Custardy25 · 10/02/2026 23:18

OP, you say you wish you were brave, but you're incredibly brave!

I don't think you should be so concerned about your husbands feelings, wanting an amicable split so that it will help your son to have a good relationship with him in the future - he's very abusive and he's not going to be happy that you're leaving, and your son is aware of all this. Focus on getting away from him, then on sorting divorce.

I can understand that your son will want to stay in Scotland, but would you consider moving permanently to England, to have on-going support from your family?

I think you should let your local friends know too - there isn't a friend that I wouldn't take in in circumstances like these.

I imagine you'd avoid a lot of stress in leaving if you go after he's gone to work, creeping about, in fear of him waking up, is going to be very hard on your son, as well as you. If he works from home, and you think he'll kick off, ask the police to attend as you leave.

You may be able to get the spyware removed from your phone - it's not too hard to wipe them, you can get support from a phone shop. Alternatively, get a new phone, and a new number, and don't give it to him.

He can contact you through email, so you don't feel bombarded with calls and texts, and you're building up a written record. You will need to take the tracking software off your sons phone, or get him a new one.

EscapedTurkey · 10/02/2026 23:20

Go to woman’s aid. As a property agent, maybe check around estate agents who have contacts with investors that may have a property you can rent for a while. I know I have contacts but I’m maybe an hour away from you. They can perhaps point you in the right direction. Or check local Facebook property pages, some towns have them and they can be handy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you get out soon.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:20

AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 23:13

It would be much better for you son to stay in school until may and sit his Nat 5s. It’s too hard for him to study remotely plus he will have coursework still to do .

and no the school can’t arrange for him to sit exams remotely , SQA exams have to be done in a centre with an invigilator . He’d need to come back up to sit them .

I am hugely sympathetic to your situation but your son’s exams start in just a few weeks ( end April depending on his subjects )
it would be in his best interests for you to stay locally from now until the end of may.

if it all possible , you should try to keep some stability for your son at least until he’s through his exams. And keeping him in schooling with his will be very supportive for him.

of course if you were worried that your husband might injure or kill you or your son, then of course you should go south to be safe. But I'm not sure if that’s the case ( sorry if I’ve misunderstood) . I get that you are very scared of his anger .

yes I think you should leave him asap . But stay locally in the Edinburgh area until may .

yes speak to women’s aid Yes get legal advice, a solicitor can help you obtain an interdict with power of arrest if required . Yes tell the school and they will make sure he can’t contact your son there .

Apologies if I have misread the situation. But I’ve put four children through SQA exams and I knew how hard it is for them.. I also know how important school and a friendship group is for children going through a family break up.

I think you are right about teens being able to self study all through March in the lead up to the Nat 5s (April is study leave I think till exam dates) and the revision and drop in sessions throughout March are indeed important at school

But I think the middle approach is to go just for two weeks , let him cool off, come back with a plan and steps in place in progress. There is an assignment indeed due this week that counts toward the grade but the school can arrange for that to be handed in in march I hope or remotely this week on the due date. Fingers crossed.

I am not sure what H reaction will be, he has form for physical intimidation with me not DS (thank Lord), to date. Body language was scary this evening.

OP posts:
thestudio · 10/02/2026 23:22

Don’t do (or not do) anything on the basis that he may be able to repair his relationship with his son. He won’t.

if he destroys it further that’s on him. You need to be safe and so does your son - do not hesitate to call the police.

Good luck op and stay strong, your son will not forget that you’ve listened to him and taken action. ❤️❤️❤️

tachetastic · 10/02/2026 23:23

Not really adding anything other than to say you are doing 100% the right thing for you and your DS and good luck tomorrow.

And don't worry about DH. Life has a way of making sure men like him land on their feet. Focus on your DS and yourself.

DaffodilTuesday · 10/02/2026 23:25

Yes, my son’s school said assignment time that was missed could be done in March, I don’t remember the exact date it needs to be done by - but the school will give him the time in class after the Feb half-term (at least that is what DS’s school will do, for example, DS was off sick one of the days for his assignment and he did it when he was back) - so if you let them know what is happening and what support you need, it will be sorted. I think some component eg English folio could be handed in remotely but others need to be done in the building eg if there are science experiments, and the write up is timed. But the time can be made up later, if that makes sense. The school will tell you.

it might be the English folio due this week, that is what DS has due Friday.

needsomeadvice8 · 10/02/2026 23:28

Good luck op, hope all goes smoothly in the morning 💐

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:28

thanks @Custardy25 , we will see if I really am brave tomorrow morning

Son definitely wants to do uni in Scotland so it cannot be a permanent move, at least not anytime soon

re the devices, I think he will get immediate pings if I try unlinking but I am not sure, his tech skills are on a different level to mine unfortunately :(

re the poster who said he is going to harass my sister tomorrow on calls, just struck me that is true :(, and it will not take him long to guess where we are, and he will be texting DS non stop till he gets an answer

I am going to try and sleep now, thank you all so much , Bless.

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 23:32

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:20

I think you are right about teens being able to self study all through March in the lead up to the Nat 5s (April is study leave I think till exam dates) and the revision and drop in sessions throughout March are indeed important at school

But I think the middle approach is to go just for two weeks , let him cool off, come back with a plan and steps in place in progress. There is an assignment indeed due this week that counts toward the grade but the school can arrange for that to be handed in in march I hope or remotely this week on the due date. Fingers crossed.

I am not sure what H reaction will be, he has form for physical intimidation with me not DS (thank Lord), to date. Body language was scary this evening.

Show quote history

exam diet is 22 April to end of may, you can check the dates of his subjects on the SQa website .

most schools run through to the end of march so he still has more than six weeks of class teaching to go. Then it will be the Easter holidays and again most schools have study sessions or Easter school for S4-6 .

Study leave won’t start until after Easter holidays. So I’d be concerned about him missing even in the next two weeks of school to be honest..

I think you’re overly optimistic that a fortnight will make that much difference to your husband’s feelings, but of course you know him and I don’t. Someone who works in IT and has bugged your phones and tracked you has long-term control issue, I don’t think they will be resolved in 14 days. But that’s just my opinion.

re your sons assignment . Phone the school and talk to head of year / pupil support teacher . If it’s just one assignment, they might be able to give him an extension. The school have to balance the submission dates for the different subject assignments across the year. These are different from the dates that has to be submitted to SQA.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:32

@AndyMcFlurry , sorry typo there, Yes I agree I do not think self study is possible for a whole month. And yes, re the friendship groups. He was on text this whole evening with full detail to his friends even before I can get the chance to call the school tomorrow, and does want to come back in two weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 23:35

DaffodilTuesday · 10/02/2026 23:25

Yes, my son’s school said assignment time that was missed could be done in March, I don’t remember the exact date it needs to be done by - but the school will give him the time in class after the Feb half-term (at least that is what DS’s school will do, for example, DS was off sick one of the days for his assignment and he did it when he was back) - so if you let them know what is happening and what support you need, it will be sorted. I think some component eg English folio could be handed in remotely but others need to be done in the building eg if there are science experiments, and the write up is timed. But the time can be made up later, if that makes sense. The school will tell you.

it might be the English folio due this week, that is what DS has due Friday.

Edited

Thanks @DaffodilTuesday , English folio already in for DS, its Business on friday ....yes has to be done at school but hopefully can be done late Feb. Will call the school tomorrow morning as soon as they are open and request it

I should have left years ago

OP posts:
OSTMusTisNT · 10/02/2026 23:36

If you go onto your Council's website and find the emergency out of hours number, call them and tell them you need to leave now and need a place to stay.

Homelessness legislation in Scotland means they are legally obliged to find you somewhere to stay, it might be a Travelodge but they'll be able to get help organised for you now rather than tomorrow.

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