Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Will be thinking of you op! Good luck, be brave, and don't hesitate to call the police if needed!

Is there any money in the joint account at the moment? Can you take half of it now ? Maybe in the bank tomorrow or even transfer to son's account .

One thing I learned in the last week, if you do come back to Edinburgh and apply for emergency housing, is that Edinburgh City Council won’t find you a hotel in Edinburgh itself, if a hotel is what’s agreed for you. I don’t know if it’s to do with inflated prices in Edinburgh or not, but you could end up somewhere like Livingston.

I’ll be thinking of you and your son in the morning, OP. Sending strength and best wishes. This is your first step to a calmer, safer and happier future.

If your son wants to go to uni, be aware that you must have been living in Scotland for 3 years to qualify for free education. (At least it used to be like that, I assume it still is).

I would suggest at first at least, treat the trip to your sister's as a break. If you rent somewhere permanent there you may lose access to free higher education, which would be a shame so close to him starting.

I suggest researching this carefully before making any big decisions about where to live permanently, and engage with Scottish services.

If it was me, I'd find the idea of moving far away attractive, so I'd want to know when you need to live in Scotland till, for eligibility for university fees, then consider getting something short term in Scotland and moving south after if possible.

Good luck OP, you're doing the right thing by leaving.

OP - in terms of the phones - just turn them off.

Write out the details you need - phone numbers, bank deets etc and just shut down the phone. Buy an old fashioned flip phone.

Same for ds - he is old enough to understand what needs to be done, even if just for a short time.

Very best of luck to you.

Yes we moved to Scotland in 2007 ....

Oh I see what you're saying now @falalalalalalalallama , thank you

Thinking of you op and sending love and strength to you and your son

I am not actually going to hide our general location for the whole two weeks, is that not illegal technically as son is still not 18 and he is the father ?

I am merely counting on him not being arsed enough to chase us all the way down there and do what I am not sure, my thinking is muddled. But last time 2023 , he kept calling my son and my mum till they both admitted son and I were camped out at Marriott for three days , then he kept asking my son to come back home and was going to drive over. I really am while typing this wondering how someone who is professionally qualified etc in a senior position and yet be as clueless and ill planned as I am.

That is where I live now ie West Lothian but previously Edi

Lots of useful info on this thread I will reread again tomorrow as I am beginning to get very muddled now

Thanks

Scottish free tuition eligibility rules are that you need to be ordinarily resident in Scotland for the 3 years on the ‘relevant date’ which, for courses starting between 1st August and 31 December, is 1st August. A couple of weeks ‘holiday’ in England won’t be counted against your son, OP.

God speed you both @DexterMorgansmum 🤍

Id set up a Monzo account *or similar on your phone. They are ready in minutes then get your next salary paid into that. Transfer money from your joint account as soon as you can x

Arrange a bank account he can't access. Contact your HR department at work. Tell them you need to urgently change your bank account for your next pay due to domestic violence. Organisations these days are very supportive of people experiencing DV and will help you get around any rules eg timeframes for changing banking details. Do this so he can't take your next pay.

Block his number on your son's phone & get your mum to do the same. Coercion's coercion, if it worked before, he'll try it again.
This document has useful info on checking your devices for spyware & taking other steps to give yourself space; https://cysur.wales/media/bfwjtosr/domestic-abuse-and-stalking-cyber-security-guidance-for-practitioners-002.pdf

It is not unlawful for you to leave for a place of safety without telling him where his son is.

All the best.

You are doing just fine.

You have plenty of time to berate yourself later - fror now, keep things as simple as possible.

I know he hounded DS with calls before - that is why I was suggesting turning them off. But you will feel it out as you go.

I wish I could help you.

The more detail you give about your husband the scarier he sounds.

Spyware on all your devices? Not allowed to keep the other phone you got last time?

I think you need to involve the police tbh. If anyone has burned bridges it's your husband - not you. Underreacting to his coercive control won't do your son or his relationship with his father any favours.

Your son needs to trust you will protect both him and yourself. If the reality of the situation is out in the open there may be time for healing and a better father-son relationship in the future.

But if you act as if the situation is less serious than it is, your son may feel he needs to protect you from his dad. Don't put that on him. And it will be much more harmful for their relationship, if anything.

You can call the police (yes, even now) and ask for someone to come to the house tomorrow as you leave to make sure you can gather your belongings and get passports etc.

Good luck.

I think heading to your sister this week is a good idea - rugby at Murrayfield will push up accommodation prices around 14th Feb and 7th March. The most important thing is to keep your DS and yourself safe.

I hope you manage to get away with your son. Your husband is vile xx

Could you see a solicitor today, OP?

https://www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

The text is ok, but do leave out the bit telling him you are going to rent close to your sister in case he tries to harass your sister. Just say you are moving into rented for time being to give you time to think. Draw your money out of the joint account. Set up alternative account for your salary to be paid into. If your DS doesn't feel safe in his own home you are right to get him out of there. Does your DS have a school friend he could stay with for a couple of days whilst you sort a rental or air BnB out? Please ask his friends Mum for support for a couple of days.

It must be very stressful for you. Don't forget passports for you and ds. Take a phone charger too.

You sound slightly deluded as you are talking about co parenting and rebuilding his relationship with his son. If he is abusive why would you want your son to visit him and spend time with him? You need to think about your son and stop feeling sorry for your husband. Your son will have already had years of you enabling this man's abusive behaviour. It's time to put a stop to it. Call the police and get your own out safely. He's 16 so there is no more co parenting. He probably wanted to get away from him for years.

Don’t do (or not do) anything on the basis that he may be able to repair his relationship with his son.

You and your son are doing the right thing to leave I am hoping carefully. Have your phones in hand and if needed to call the police when you attempt to go. CALL THEM!

You have set a plan in motion and need to follow through.

Hopefully you both can go to your sister's for a bit of breathing space. You seemed to have sorted this for your son's school. I don't know about Scotland education and cut offs etc so I won't comment on that.

However do not think that your next move should not be on him "calming down/not being arsed to chase you somewhere etc".

Focus on getting yourself your own bank account, getting your wages paid into it.

When you have some more freedom it may help with you supporting your son's pathway, but I suspect that your "partner" will threaten dropped bills, mortgage payments, etc.

Remember, that he has already and has already threatened you physically, you and your son have run away from him in the past, your own son have had to walk around today and he your own son sees how unhealthy it is and it is also impacting him.

He can and will choose any contact in the future with his dad but that is not for your to manage in this situation.

I wish you all the best for tomorrow.