I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

In the kind of breakdown of intimacy that OP and her DH has there will generally have been hurt felt on both sides. Fearing and avoiding intimacy when you just need a hug without strings attached after a really bad day is pretty soul destroying.

I am your husband and I didn't leave so everyone saying he will definitely leave is wrong.
Now at 56 I also couldn't give a shit so finally we are on the same page.

Agree with this

Genuine questions: why didn’t you leave? And when/why did you stop giving a shit? Did your physiology just shift with age?

It’s interesting that in ten whole pages of comments, the OP has ignored all 228 replies and only posted one very brief response to ONE poster.
I’m still wondering the reason for starting the thread in the first place.

I think she probably wasnt expecting the kind of response she got and so didn't bother to come back

I didn't want to leave my boy and girl. They were my world. I think about 54 or 55 my testosterone must have dropped .I also have noticed my shirts don't smell or my socks ( sorry TMI 😂) not sure what it's all about but I recon it's linked. All the adverts would have me taking testosterone replacements but no thanks what for!

If you read the OP it’s pretty clear she just shut him down, don’t talk to him, rejected him and wants him around to parent and (presumably, assuming he works) provide some of the financial support for the family.

She’s ok because she’s got her way and has just let him carry on in a marriage, forcing him to reduce a part of him to nothing. It’s fine to not want sex, nobody can be blamed for that but if it’s not a mutual position in a relationship it’s not fair to string someone along like that. She, can’t have it both ways, which is what she’s trying to do.

Got it. Thanks.

I actually don’t think it’s normal for most couples to have sex every night so I can understand why you might feel relieved to not be badgered every night. I’m going to go against the grain and say that I think it sounds a bit spiteful for your husband to shut down all other forms of intimacy if you don’t please him every night. If he let you feel relaxed you might feel more open and sex could occur naturally.

That said, it sounds like you have both had a breakdown in communication over what is an important aspect of your marriage. If both of you care enough to try and save the marriage you should try some couples therapy to work out why you have less interest in sex and the initiation makes you anxious and why he needs so much sex and feels the need to emotionally blackmail you for saying no. You should probably both see the GP as well.

Please don’t do what some are suggesting on here and let yourself be coerced into sex in exchange for other forms of intimacy. Sex should feel natural and not create anxiety. Just don’t sit in your hands about it.

I think all the replies here are awful. Who the hell wants sex every night with their husband!? Every night she said she was worried about him trying it on. He needs to get over it! What is wrong with the women on here? Get a grip! Shes posted to find helpful comments not the awful lot of you who have commented. She didn’t say she didn’t ever want it and there is always 2 sides to a story and a history in a marriage.

my advice would be to talk to him openly about it all without worrying about hurting his ego - tell him to grow up the silly man.

Love how people are just making things up that aren’t in the op because they are so furious that a woman refuses to force herself into having sex with her husband to ‘save the marriage.’

Love how you think I think she should have sex the save the marriage. The marriage is far beyond saving. They’re completely incompatible.

Who the hell wants sex every night with their husband!?

Some do...some don't. I don't think it's that unusual though.

@Spookyspaghetti

i don’t know where you got every night from. They never shag. Very different

Surely OP the answer would have been for you to initiate when you wanted sex? Then you're not feeling pestered and he's not being rejected. Or did you never want sex?

There's much more to a marriage than sex, I should know I've been in a sexless one for 4 years (not my choice) not sure why everyone is so sure he's going to have an affair, not everyone is a cheat and everyone has a hand. I'd imagine there are loads of people in sexless marriages for one reason or another.

I don’t know whether this is a reading comprehension thing, or just perhaps people coming from different angles of understanding - but if you’re somebody that hasn’t had sex for months with your partner, when you know that they might want to - then it’s not that they’re ‘trying it on’ or ‘badgering’ you each night, it’s that you know that tonight they might politely show interest, after perhaps weeks, and you know that you still are not going to want to.

The good news here, though, coming from the perspective of the partner who has been rejected for years, and as the OP is finding out, they will eventually give up showing interest, and you will never be badgered or pestered again.

P.S - just in case it’s not clear, most of us in this situation have never badgered, pestered or tried it on with anybody. We’re just normal, nice people in a really sad situation.

Nowhere does it say he tried every night. She was tense in case he ever tried. She clearly saw all affection as a sexual advance, so he stopped being affectionate so he couldn't be misinterpreted. She wants him to be affectionate, but for it to stop there. To kiss and cuddle her and then stamp out his desire. Its an awful way to ask anyone to live.

Is he stopped all intimacy at all?He might already be getting it elsewhere.

Yes, you put it much better than I did!

It doesn't seem like she was stringing him along, she just didn't want sex and wasn't giving him any false promises that their sex life was going to improve. She sometimes went along with it but I would imagine he had to have been well aware she wasn't into it.

She can't have it both ways I agree and most likely they will split up or stay together and be miserable.

Hey OP, I sort of had a similar situation to you a year ago. I had cancer and went through cancer treatment, for me this meant zero intimacy at all. I couldn’t even think about it. I had a single mastectomy and it took a very long time to adjust to my new body. However, we’d long had mis-matched sex drives (his much higher than mine) and post-treatment I found myself feeling so relieved I could just go to bed and not have to think about it. We quickly became stuck in a bit of a rut with it; slowly DH starting gently initiating and I would just freeze.

However - I knew the marriage wouldn’t survive it. There’s just no way. We had an awkward conversation together about it and then booked some couples counselling which was absolutely brilliant. It helped so much; communication will get you through this, if you want to.

We do schedule sex now which some would find so dull, but actually the anticipation of the date night (we make a whole night of it - no phones, play board games etc) is actually really fun.

Talk to him, have a very honest conversation. Consider counselling.

Marriage is hard work at times and it takes compromise. Someone will probably cave in a sexless marriage which is why affairs can happen. Sex therapy could be an option? But I presume it isn’t about sex for you op. Are you resenting him for other things. Women tend to want more needs met to have a physical and emotional connection. He has told you what he wants but neither of you are meeting in the middle.

It doesn't work.

I would've wrote an exact same post to you a year ago. I felt sorry for him but I absolutely dreaded it, I rarely ever initiated it and it just became a decade and a half long elephant in the room.

A LOT has happened to me recently - and I realised that I actually disliked and resented him a lot deep down (and it was very, very warranted).

We've sorted out the warranted dislike and resentment recently and talked about some health issues I have never talked about, and a very strange thing has happened to me, I actually like him again and I literally cannot get enough of him. I never thought this would happen because a) I am very switched on and in control (or so I thought) and b) I thought I had zero sex drive, and he also thought that. Turns out it was all just because he was a massive C word.

I'm not saying your husband is a massive C but it does sound like it's possible you don't love him anymore deep down?

Nasty response, when OP hasn't created this situation deliberately, or maliciously. Low sex drive is as real as her husbands feelings of rejection.