I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

This of course is normal.

I'm not talking about a normal reduction in sex frequency, I'm talking about no sex at all, till the point the other partners self-esteem is on the floor from the constant rejection. But supposedly the love of the sex refusing partner is still there, and they say it is not the partners fault, it's just something they cannot help.

The relationship ends and they meet a new partner. Their previous disinterest in sex suddenly resolves itself and remains even when the new relationship is no longer new. So even when years with the new partner has passed.

What then, was the true cause of the sexual refusal in the first marriage/relationship and if indeed it was about the other partner, why did they live for years refusing sex, causing pain, and not explaining or ending the relationship?

Perhaps I'm not really getting my thoughts across well. I'm genuinely curious. I'm sure there will be some people for whom they are more asexual and others for whom there is a problem, but they can't see it for themselves.

😂

I know, I know...

You are v young for this to happen. It is not normal to be sexless at this age

I have lived through this and come out the other side. Marriage in tact. Now late 50’s and sex is different but good.
It took work on both sides. After the tiredness of children and the effect of menopause I had to feel sexy again before I wanted sex again. It is now a pleasure and not a chore, not like being 20, but still fun.
You need to talk to each other, hug and kiss with limits.
Divorce is hard - being together is hard = choose your hard.

I am glad that I worked it through. I really wish you well in this.

But if you split up tomorrow you will find yourself wanting sex with someone.

Book a weekend night once a month, no kids, have a drink, wear something sexy and start enjoying it again knowing you are relaxed, you will enjoy it.
If he knows that’s the night it’s happening and not any other night it’s a great start.
I think it’s the expectation when you get into bed after a long day. Few women want it then.

Try to find a balance or he will leave you and sleep with someone else.

And do you not think years of unwanted sex and guilt trips have equally damaged her, and contributed to destroying her libido?

The husband fully associates sex with any kind of love or affection, as evidenced by his now total withdrawal. This means that OP has had many years of not getting any love or kindness without an undercurrent of sexual pressure.

Unwanted sex is soul destroying. This thread is being incredibly harsh to OP, she has suffered for a very long time. The husband bears the majority of the responsibility for this love breakdown.

Who says he purposely made her feel guilty? Why is hoping for a healthy sex life, or any at all, somehow wrong? Of course putting pressure on would be wrong but I can 100% say, as someone on this situation, I’ve never done this. Yet the language on this thread about ‘pestering’ and ‘badgering’ and ‘trying it on’ and ‘guilt trips’ and ‘grinding’ is just… ugh. It’s like anyone that hopes for a sex life with their partner is somehow dirty.

I also doubt he’s ‘withheld’ physical affection for years. I imagine it’s been a slow sad retreat.

He can’t win though. Hugs means he’s pestering for sex. No hugs means he’s withholding affection.

What is the context to all of this? What changed op (health issues, work pressures, something in the relationship)?

Have you gone off sex entirely or sex with him, specifically?

Do you want to enjoy sex with him again?

Hard to comment otherwise ….

That sounds awful! Like a chore...

Well it seems she still loves him. I must say I am surprised myself that she appears to feel as deeply as she does, because when the subject has come up, she has always said she accepted that he might want to sleep with someone else and didn't care, though he never slept with anyone else until now.

As I said he's been a tad callous about it all, and has outright said things to her about how he feels happy etc and he hopes she can meet someone too and he wouldn't mind, but he would be happy for her. He thinks he's being nice, it's too much information, no woman wants to hear that.

I strongly suspect his new rush relationship will crumble quite fast, particularly as he seems to want to maintain the status quo as regards living arrangements, but I suspect the fear is that it appears to be an actual love relationship and she envisioned him perhaps having sex with someone else, but not falling in love with them. Especially someone abroad. Now the fear is everything is unpredictable and may change.

When they're together they present as an average family of 4 unless you know what is going on beneath the surface. All that could disappear now.

I think she's entitled to feel upset and anxious because deep down she's happy with everything (which I don't quite understand) and he sort of wants to have his cake and eat it now too

It's become a convoluted mess. The kids are also not going to be blind to what's going on forever either.

Older?? They're early forties!

What don't you not like about making love to someone you love? You have hurt your DH and he will leave you. Probably have an affair. You might like to try counselling to work out why you reject sex but I'd also be getting ready for an amicable divorce fairly soon - preferably before the affair arrives.

This is what happened in my marriage, I divorced my wife. Felt unloved, unwanted.

I'd say that unilaterally deciding that your marriage is now going to be sexless, knowing that your husband is deeply unhappy about that decision, but still expecting him to just put up with it and stay in the marriage, so that you can maintain the veneer of being in a functional, happy relationship to your social circle and the wider world, is very much wanting to have your cake and eat it.

Yep, I didn't want sex with anybody I wanted sex with the woman I loved.

It's a shame - but the vast majority of the previous posters are correct and I totally get where the husband is coming from as I've done the same. Things just die off if the magic bolding isn't there unfortunately. By partner was genuinely shocked when I told her why - she had assumed that all was well because that's "how things naturally went over time". I was disappointed as this was the "new normal" and I did feel I was there just to pay the bills. We agreed to split up when things are better financially (although I suspect that will never be the case).

I wonder for some people, I don’t know for the OP, that the veneer may also be to fool themselves.

how did you notice this other post?

So @OP did you get any replies here that were useful compared to the 900+ responses you received to your duplicate post on Reddit?

ETA: Reddit ended up deleting that post.

this was then case for us. we had terribel sexual dysfunction, initially related to me having vaginismus but it became him that had no desire to solve it really and whilst I desired and initiated other forms of sexual intimacy he rejected those

I’m sorry, that sounds really difficult.

Er, yeah...I do! And so does he!

it was terribel but we both ignored it. it was a factor in a terribel mental health decline for me and I went into psychosis nine years ago and ive never recovered from it and it caused me to lose everything in my life. I had repressed childhood trauma and had worked so hard to get a phd from an elite university

I'm not sure why you feel relieved. You should be scared of him withdrawing intimacy unless divorce is actually what you want.

Of course you shouldn't have sex that you don't want, but you have been utterly unfair and unkind to your DH. Your post says that you have mismatched drives but it really reads as though you never wanted sex and rejected all forms of intimacy for fear of it leading to sex.

Counseling would have been the way to go on this and a visit to the gp for you to check if there is something underlying to cause it. As well as open honest conversation. If you wanted sex permenantly off the table (and didn't want to work out why and if there was a fix) then having a frank discussion with him about it surely would have been better than all these years of silent rejection.

I don't know if you can do anything to fix it now...but your relief might not last too long if he finds he can't continue in this relationship any longer with the way it is and the damage to his self esteem.

Well plenty are trying to make out she purposefully made him feel shit.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life
But I think some people are very delusional about this, if you don't have a healthy sex life you're not going to get one by initiating with your partner all the time and accepting sex that your partner is reluctant to have.

Often this issue can't be fixed, no one is wrong and both handle it poorly when the incompatibility becomes an issue