I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

From the OP "I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for."
So hardly vastly different.

I can definitely imagine it - in fact I was in the situation myself a long long time ago with an earlier boyfriend. I did beat myself up about how I looked, wondered if I was actually the wrong sex for him etc.

But in a relationship where for, say, 10 or 15 years or longer the sex life worked really well but then something changes physically (for women, often menopause or birth injuries; for men exhaustion or whatever; for either side mental health, grief, anxiety, anything really) then I don’t see that the automatic assumption that the love has gone becuse the sexual response is altered needs to happen.

But this thread has made me promise to myself I’ll talk to my DH again. It’s been about a month I think for us… he’s probably far more hurt than he lets on.

It’s such a sad and difficult thing to navigate when bodies change the way they operate even though minds and hearts haven’t at all.

Let him go.

Get help fast to resurrect your libido and desire for your H - I’m sure MNs will suggest stuff to you. You must have enjoyed each other in your early days/years??
If not you’ll lose your husband one way or another and probably very soon. Sorry.

I did not read the entire thread.

But have a look at the subreddit "dead bedroom"
A lot of high libido people share hope they feel, it is quite eye opening, maybe it could help you?

But yeah you need to do something if you want to save your relationship.

Oh come on, that's NOT what I said at all. Don't forget here that OP has had sex repeatedly for years when she didn't actually want to, because his clear disappointment was making her feel guilty about it, and despite the fact she suffered feelings of resentment after having sex simply in order to not hurt her DH.

So it's not like OP has outright refused for years, she has had sex at times even when she hasn't wanted to, for HIM. So don't make out that in the past she hasn't put his needs before her own.

I did suggest they get counselling if she wants to salvage things.

In terms of him withdrawing all physical touch, I personally see it as a punishment, he might be doing it simply because he has shut down, and doesn't want to get aroused when he won't get the relief from sex. But again, I see that as putting his needs above the OP's yet again. It always seems to be about him and his needs. Never about OP's. If the sexual side of the relationship is salvageable with counselling, how on earth is OP ever going to get desire for him again when there is no affection anymore? Personally, in my view, that daily affection and touch is a necessity in a loving relationship. So take all of that away, whether it's for his self-preservation or punishment, I can't see how OP would ever get her desire back without it.

Anyway, I think OP really needs to think about the cause of why she's not keen on sex, perhaps have some therapy on her own to figure things out. Then when she has figured things out, the pair of them can discuss the situation again to see if they can resolve things or separate.

there are not cuddles, dates, flirting and all that without the sex. Men are men and human beings and deserve the whole shebang. If you cannot make up your mind what you would like, perhaps you are asexual

Well he’s either going to get sex elsewhere or the marriage is doomed because no 43 yo man with a sex drive is going to want to stay in a sexless marriage , I should imagine he’s hoping to hold out until the kids leave school and then he will be off .

I totally agree.
i had a sexless marriage for 4 years and it broke me, I left my DH in the end. HE stopped not only sex but hugging and affection. We were like room mates - not even warm ones.

If you want to save your marriage you could try sex counselling, hormone tests?
My DH tried but it was too late for me.
I really feel for your DH - it's awful living in a sexless marriage x

So, while her husband is offering her everything she needs hugs, kisses, flirting, all of it he just puts his feelings and needs to one side? For how long? A year, two? A decade. I’m assuming OPs husband never coerced her into sex, he was simply disappointed when she rejected him. As I would be. The audacity of a man wanting sex with his wife!! She doesn’t indicate that he went off into a strop or made her feel guilty, just that she herself felt guilt.

OPs feelings are absolutely not the only feelings to be considered in this situation. This man is a relatively young man and yet for a long time has dealt with rejection from his wife and now she’s disappointed that he’s not dancing to her tune?

She needs to consider how she can deal with her issues and if she can’t she needs to let him go respectfully and kindly so he can live a full life. He’s given her what she wants at a cost of what he does and now he’s at fault for not giving her a hug?!

It depends on whether you actually want a sexual relationship with your partner, or any relationship. Unfortunately no sex is a dealbreaker for many. And in time you might find that no affection is a dealbreaker for you.

You can get sex therapy on the NHS, I was offered it but never took it up. Instead I read a book that I’ve recommended on here before, it’s called Mind The Gap by Karen Gurney. It talks a lot about pressure, or what we perceive as pressure, and how women’s desire differs a lot from men’s. It also has a section at the end with suggestions for how to talk to your partner about what the book suggests. I read it and my boyfriend is currently reading it at my suggestion, he was a bit resistant/defensive at first but I think he eventually realised that being on the same page and understanding me would actually lead to more sex. Things aren’t perfect but we normally have sex about once a week while before reading the book I could easily have gone months. I actually posted about lack of desire on here a couple of years ago and the main suggestion was to find an older man with ED who wouldn’t want to have sex with me 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

As a man, it is quite refreshing to hear most of you women actually sticking up for this man.
I am going through similar. Despite a large age gap, my wife (younger) has gone off sex, and the rejection is painful. We do have it, but, only sometimes she initiates it.
She seems to enjoy it when we do.

I can see why men would maybe go off and have sex elsewhere in these cases.

For all we know the years of celibacy could have followed her losing her libido temporarily after having babies and him being pushy about it which caused long term damage. It's a fairly common thing to happen. It may well have been him who created the scenario that led to the wife rejecting sex.

Either way she's allowed to have feelings and a reaction.

@loislovesstewie that isn't saying she doesn't want to ever have sex again, it's saying that because he's backed off, she's enjoying not feeling the pressure

Think OP has been scared off…

Probably not what you want to hear @MaryPoppins89 and hopefully not relevant to your situation, but I’ll say it anyway…
I was in the same situation as you and was so relieved when DH stopped initiating sex for the same reasons as you say. I thought how unusual it must be but how grateful I should feel that DH now no longer wanted to have sex either, and honestly I felt happy about the rest of my marriage and life being celibate.
HOWEVER
Turns out DH was messaging sex workers in secret, had visited sex workers, was subscribed to OF, was watching porn whilst I was in bed.
SO your DH hopefully isn’t doing that, but what I’m saying is maybe he could.
If I had my time again, I would’ve asked my DH if he wanted us to go to couples counselling or a sex therapist to get things back on track. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with OP and it might be difficult to imagine this now, but wouldn’t you like to try and get to a place where you want that intimacy with your DH? And then hopefully you can be happy.
Good luck.

@Cherrytree86 sounds as though he's had his cake so far. He isn't just withdrawing now, he did every time she didn't want to.

Surely you need to have a proper talk.
Explain how you don’t have much of a sex drive and how him initiating and expecting sex was making you feel on edge.
Do you never want to have sex?
You need to tell him how you feel but if you don’t want sex at all and he does and this is a deal breaker for him, you may need to be prepared to split.

My sex drive changed with medication/ peri and I spoke to my husband. We are always so busy too but we do make time now for us time and always had sex at least once a week maybe sometimes twice. I am not always entirely in the mood but always am once a e start! But without communication nothing will change.

Why are you presenting the husband's desire for sex with his wife as something he wants solely so he can get "relief".

Most people – including men – would understand sex between an established couple as a source of a particular type of intimacy, connection, closeness, and reaffirmation of attraction and love that cannot be substituted by just a platonic cuddle. It's not just a matter of getting your rocks off, which you seem to think is the husband's only motivation.

If the OP doesn't want to have sex with her husband, fair enough, she's not obliged to, and there will likely be terminal consequences for their marriage as a result, as what each of them wants is so deeply incompatible.

But don't imply that his desire for sex with her must be solely down to wanting to shoot his load.

@TightlyLacedCorset said only “Wife did not want sex, kept rejecting the DH and it went on for years.” If he was the cause, it seems odd that she didn’t mention it. Of course the friend is allowed to have feelings. It just so happens that her feelings, logically speaking, are unreasonable.

And as I've already said in my previous comments she & they should get therapy/counselling to try to work out why OP feels this way and see if they can resolve this.

No idea why you're asking me for a timeline of how long DH should put up with it. That's hardly for me to determine now is it? Especially given I advised therapy/counselling 🙄

@MaryPoppins89 The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.

This is utterly confusing.

What you are describing is sexual contact, but you said you don't want to have sex anymore.

You either want sexual contact or you don't. Which one is it?

I do get that situations can definitely vary greatly. I hope it goes well for you and your DH and I definitely think talking about it is a really good idea. I think if my husband was able to communicate, truthfully, what his reasons are than my situation would have felt very different. Honesty, I think he’s probably so repressed that he doesn’t even know himself and would rather risk our marriage and have me live in sadness for years than feel that discomfort himself. Who knows, people are complex!

The main point I was trying to make, which I didn't make well at all was that we don't know her reasons why, her reasons why could have been extremely valid but then her husband made it worse by reacting badly to it (she did say the husband didn't handle it as well as the OPs), and the way it's handled can make it a whole lot worse, but either way it's nowhere near as simple as just not wanting it, because they're also trying to avoid not just sex but whatever unpleasant or bad feelings they'd get from having it.

Unreasonable feelings are common, the husband might find he's devastated too if the wife met someone now like he has.

OK, if you say so. FWIW some people on this thread, including me, have been really open about how hurtful these scenarios can be. I’m not sure I would be implying what you are, even if I didn’t have personal experience of this scenario. But, it takes all sorts.