I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

I say this gently - what are you looking for in your MN post, MaryPoppins?

Start the divorce process now so you can split amicably. This is only going to get messy if you keep your head in the sand.

This.

It won’t last. Resentment or an affair will end your marriage, if I was you I’d end it amicably before you hit that point.

I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally,

Too late. He already told you that you have. Years of rejection is extremely damaging. Do not be surprised if he starts another relationship and leaves you. Which might sound blunt, but that is the likely consequence unless he really is willing to be lifelong celibate.

Have you worked out why you no longer want sex? Is it him? Or sex in general?

I don’t think anyone should have sex if they don’t want to, but at the same time I’ve been on the receiving end of someone else’s low libido and it hurt so bad. It did get to the point I started imagining having sex with just about any other man, and was considering whether an affair would be so bad. In fact, I thought he might not even mind.

We did talk a lot and he went to the GP. Learned he had low testosterone and was eventually given testosterone injections which made a very big difference. Now he has a higher libido than me…I’m going through perimenopause. But because I’ve seen it from the other side I do make an effort, even when I don’t feel like it.

I’m not in any way advocating that you do that by the way. I am however warning you that it’s awful, nearly impossible, living a sexless existence if you have a decent libido, and eventually, one way or another, it catches up to you. If someone else shows him affection or attention, he’s likely to be more susceptible to it. I certainly was, despite intensely loving my partner.

So I agree with a pp. Divorce might be the kindest outcome before anyone gets hurt. But that’s just my opinion and I’m sure there will be plenty of others.

I can totally see where your husband is coming from because it happened to us.

He went off sex when he turned 40 ish, after having a fairly even matched sex drive up to then. After that it was always me initiating, until I reached the point where I couldn’t take the rejection anymore.

I withdrew into myself and just stopped going near him. It broke our marriage and now we have separate rooms and live as friends. We both handled things badly and I would urge you to go to therapy if you want to save your marriage. I feel like it’s too late for us and I’m still struggling with it.

Why don’t you just want to sleep with him OP? Have you ever enjoyed sex with him?

Difficult situation op.
He will be broken inside, sorry to say.
I don’t know what the answer is.

I suppose it’s up to you whether you do anything about enforcing celibacy on him from a pretty young age. Although you may feel more peaceful, part of him is destroyed. He’s been rejected by someone he loves with presumably no idea why.

I do think it’s a dangerous situation for your marriage. Because you aren’t on the same page.

I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him

Bit late for that now don’t you think? He’s either completely depressed or he’s going elsewhere.

Why weren’t you just be honest with him that you never wanted to have sex with him, you’d changed the terms of your marriage and he was going to be celibate so he could choose whether or not to tolerate that?

He’s highly unlikely to hang around like this forever. Make your own plans accordingly.

You don’t want him. Why wouldn’t he feel rejected?

It’s over, tbh. You bilaterally changed the terms

He’ll go looking elsewhere, if he isn’t already.

“I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.“

you can rest easy in the knowledge that you won’t be his wife for much longer. The you can have all the peace you want.

That's really sad all round.

I was in a similar situation as you during my marriage and I also hated that I was hurting my ExH by always saying no. It didn't get to the point of him not initiating, although it was very infrequent, but I did tell him that I was OK with him seeking sex outside the marriage. He wasn't happy with that. We eventually divorced.

Would you be comfortable with an open marriage as a compromise?

I feel the same as you, so you're not alone.

Yep, this! Speaking from experience!

You can’t help how you feel and he can’t help how he feels. I feel for him I really do, what an awful way for him to live. Not even getting close to his wife because he’s trying to shut down all sexual feelings. Life will become miserable for you both.

How have you managed that? What is the relationship with your husband like at the moment?

I'm sorry to break this to you, but this is the beginning of the end. I've been at the receiving end of a partners 'low libido' and the lack of intimacy (not just sex) is a death knell to a relationship. I lasted longer than most men would, I imagine. So, instead of feeling relieved, either work on this or get ready to end this. Else, he will - either by initiating a divorce or finding that intimacy elsewhere.

Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.
That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally

Did this come as a surprise? It seems like it did from your second sentence?

What did you expect to happen if you kept rejecting him? Were you hoping his sex drive would go away?

What were your reasons for not wanting sex? Is it hormonal/personal?
Or not finding him attractive? Is he crap in bed?
I have rejected for the latter, after years of trying to help someone understand my body.

I have also been on the receiving end of someone's constant rejection. It was devastating. Sex isn't just about sex. It's something that seals the relationship and sets it apart from other relationships. It's about love and intimacy and trust. Repeated rejection made me feel very insecure in the relationship, very unimportant to my partner, and overall just very down.

I am female, albeit a gay one. But I can't imagine a man's feelings would be much different.

This is not fair to either of you .
Actually op you are feeling the same rejection of not having cuddles non sexual intimacy as he is feeling from you .
Sorry rjis can't work he is still a relatively youngam and to ask him to meet your needs for affection and flirting and accept no sexual relationship is ridiculous and not feesible .
You are incompatible,unless you are be open to a open relationship

so are you not just room mates now ?

OP could you compromise and have once a week scheduled sex?

Ah, this is sad - sounds like you just want different things out of a relationship, and have done for a long time?

That's normal, but it's not normal to just accept him being unhappy. He gets to decide, obviously, if he's happy to make a compromise on how he feels in the relationship for the sake of your kids or companionship, but maybe that's going to make him miserable long-term and he doesn't actually want that.

Think it's worth having a conversation about whether your relationship is viable long-term rather than just assuming you can be relieved that the 'problem' is gone - it hasn't.

Not quite sure what you want him to do to be honest. Also you cant be shocked this is how its ended up.

Now that he has stopped initiating, do you ever initiate?

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments

Well... what did you expect? If my DP rejected and resented me every time I attempted to initiate sex, for years, I wouldn't want to cuddle or flirt with him either. I can't imagine flirting and smooching with someone who has made it abundantly clear that they're not physically attracted to me. If I were in your DH's position, I'd be absolutely devastated, to be honest.

By shutting down your sex life entirely, you've essentially reduced your husband to a housemate, so I don't think it's especially surprising that he now behaves like one.

It's not that I lack sympathy for you, as nobody should be having sex they don't want to have, but I think you're being really naive to think your husband can possibly be happy in a sexless marriage, and very unfair to expect him to provide you with romantic cuddles, flirting and playful comments in the full knowledge that you will then refuse anything else.

Have you ever actually enjoyed sex with him? Or with anyone? Have you ever sought couples counselling/therapy over this?

Very kindly you have damaged him, your rejection has made him want to try and shut off his feelings. That’s why he doesn’t touch you, there’s no physical relationship as that’s what you wanted. You shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want too but he doesn’t have to stay in a sexless relationship if he doesn’t want too