I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

I’ve read this before

Research Esther Perel who has a couples podcast and wrote “Mating in Captivity”. It’s common and doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. Good luck.

Don't worry - you can be 100% sure that is very aware of your relief 😢

As others have said, you can expect to be back on here at some stage in the future bemoaning the end of your marriage. I ended mine for this reason (among others).

Its not necessarily the lack of sex that was the killer, it was the fact that my exH wasn't willing at all to do ANYTHING about it, despite knowing it was ending our relationship. What steps have you taken, with him, to bring back intimacy in your marriage.

Doubtless you now know a little of how he feels with the unilateral withdrawal of affection.

OP, if you want to try to get your mojo back, look up the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Women often experience the latter.

Two books that I'd highly recommend are Emily Nagowski's COME AS YOU ARE and MATING IN CAPTIVITY by Esther Perel. Those two books explain a lot.

I didn't want sex in my marriage because my ex-husband's behaviour made it impossible to fancy him, plus he just wasn't very good in bed. Later, I met someone who REALLY new what he was doing, and I realised what sex could be and what I'd missed out on. I always had trouble climaxing, but he also used a Hitachi wand on me while we were doing it (sorry for the TMI!) and it made a huge difference. My ex certainly never bothered with any of that. After sex with the new guy, I would feel totally rejuvenated. He was better than a spa day. So, it's a pity to miss out on what sex can be.

However, if you're sure that you never want a sex life with him again and don't want to explore getting your sex drive back, then it's not really fair of you to remain married. And even without that fact, you're nose-diving into a marital plane crash. His hurt and resentment and frustration are going to get so bad that he'll become seriously depressed or he may find someone else...it's just not workable in the long term for one spouse to have a sex drive and the other not.

What are you asking? There is absolutely no way I would tolerate a sexless marriage or relationship.

I'm not really sure what you expected to happen. You reject your husband time and time again, until not only does he stop initiating sex but holds back completely. You want the physical affection but without the sex and your husband wants both.

No, you're not unreasonable for not wanting sex but neither is he for wanting sex in the marriage. Is there a reason why you don't want sex with your husband? You must know why.

Have you sought therapy or medication intervention? Have you had a conversation with him regarding the lack of sex?

Your husband didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. So you have choices: try to resolve your lack of sex drive to save your marriage or divorce and let him find someone else. Burying your head in the sand is not an option, because your husband has made it clear how unhappy he is.

So basically resentment will build and you will split OR he will have an affair....

Both end the relationship. I dont know why you would be relieved that you are at the beginning of the end.

It’s a bit weird for all touch to be related to sex…odd. Sounds like a punishment and I don’t think that bodes well for his sexual generosity.

Sex therapy would encourage rebuilding / maintaining intimacy via non sexual touching so it’s something that DH has effectively ended.

Is DH not able to satisfy himself at times?

Are you able to feel sexual OP…have the space for that in your life? Is DH likeable, appealing?

There are some appalling replies on here about a contract …presumably for sex…I fully believe that if this related to an ability to maintain an erection the replies would be about being loving and playful not a CONTRACT

I've been reading 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel and there is a fascinating chapter about mums who stop wanting sex. It is obviously a hot potato and I think she handled it very well; she has obviously seen many many couples in that situation. She goes through the endless list of chores, any resentment at a useless father/husband as reasons fr sexless marriages etc BUT two really key points to me were -

1. YOU have held the baby, cuddled him, snuggled him, let him touch your face, smelled him, kissed him. (Yes obviously appropriate.) Your husband has not. YOU are all touched out, your husband is not. YOU have been able to be close to another and breathe and relax and snuggle, your husband has not.
2. Sexuality is a way to say what words cannot say. It is a private space for you to fill, to be creative with, to express yourself within, to be selfish within and 'get yours.' What is happening that you are not feeling able to do that?

It is a very good book.

FWIW I would do the once a week appointment, to restart things, and I would put effort into that, otherwise it's a ticking time bomb before his feelings suddenly open up to another.

I’m a woman, but I’m in your DH’s position, and it’s the greatest sadness of my life to be 50 and to have had so many years of rejection. For what it’s worth, it feels too late now for me.

I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s probably to set your DH free, so he doesn’t have the guilt of it himself.

You don't love him.

It’s a bit weird for all touch to be related to sex…odd. Sounds like a punishment and I don’t think that bodes well for his sexual generosity.

I think that’s unfair. Coming from a position of many many years of sexual rejection, it’s hard to keep offering up physical affection when ultimately you feel fundamentally physically unlovable and rejected.

This is an unnecessarily cruel response.

OP, did sex always men’s PIV with your husband? Is it possibly that you didn’t always want to be forced to do things you enjoyed less but the things you actually did enjoy were never prioritised?

Could you talk to him about trying to restore intimacy in a way that makes you comfortable and not like you’re being destabilised or worse?

Only if you think all touch leads to a right to sex

I used to reject my ex all the time and he was always so hurt by it. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Until I got out of the relationship because I fell in love with someone else. And realised how hurt I’d feel if new guy rejected me.
The issue was I just didn’t want to be with ex, didn’t fancy him so of course I didn’t want sex. It was good when it happened but I had no drive to do it.
Now I’m only with men I really fancy and the idea of rejecting them is unthinkable.

This is quite interesting as I am a woman who
previously considered myself pretty sexual but a health issue plus perimenopause plus exhaustion from kids have done a total number on my sex drive.

I think lust and love are sometimes entwined but often separated. To not be the object of urgent lust is not the same as to be unloveable.

Affection via touch/hugging/hand holding and fucking/orgasming are two very different things for me - an in an early stage of a relationship can come at once, but aren’t always felt together. Just because you’re not having sex doesn’t mean you’re unloved at all. I can see how it might make someone withdraw love though, which is I suppose what you’re describing

You're telling him you only want to be friends but you want him to stay with you, celibate, for ever. But you're shocked he's hurt and didn't want to hurt him?

Eventually he will meet someone who wants sex. Then you’ll have no control because he will leave and start talking about splitting assets etc, and you’ll be angry and upset.

Wouldn’t you rather an amicable, calm separation now?

I don't think anybody's saying that, at all. I hug and kiss my DP all the time, hold his hand and flirt with him without expecting it to lead to sex - but we also have an active sex life. If I didn't, and was sexually frustrated and being constantly rejected, I would be terrified to touch him in case he thought I was pestering him, and inevitably I would find it very frustrating to be allowed only a certain amount of physical contact with him which was then always curtailed at the point where I started feel turned on.

If my DP and I have some physical contact and one of us would like it to lead to sex and the other one doesn't, we're fine with that because we know we'll have a million other chances to have sex when we both want it, so there isn't a sense of rejection or resentment or sexual frustration inherent. It would be totally different if it was a repeated pattern of rejection that never led to anything ever.

It's not about thinking that touch will always mean sex. It's about finding it sad and frustrating when it NEVER does.

So you don't cuddle, hold hands, kiss etc? All of this keeps intimacy alive through periods of low sex.

That’s a bit unfair. I’m in the same position as OP’s husband and I’ve not gone looking elsewhere so it’s not a given.

Also you are allowed to be the one who cuddles, kisses, grabs his hands etc. You don't have to wait.

Maybe when he's getting changed, tell him how sexy he is.

There are 2 people in a relationship, you've let the sex die but you don't have to let everything else die too.

This is not going to end well for your marriage.

Have you actually thought about why you don’t want sex? Would you want it with someone else or just not with your husband?
If you love him, can you not honestly lay your cards on the table but v then say you’re willing to work on this together as a couple? Therapy may be a really good idea. Maybe even some single personal therapy for you to work out if there’s issues around sex for you or an appointment with your gp to see if there’s a hormonal reason or other.
If you do really love him then surely you’ll explore every option before giving up. I don’t think it’s just an empty saying that marriage takes work… and, of course, he needs to be willing to work too.

I all honesty i would think she was a cruel cow with a twisted streak if she told him how sexy he was while he was getting changed , when he knows full well through her actions over years that she does not find him in the least bit sexy, and is completely relieved at not having to have sex with him.

Talk about mixed signals and rubbing salt in the wound