I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

Well she might well find him sexy physically just not intimately. Either way she knows her husband best, whatever word she chooses.

I think I'd still like to know my DH thought I was sexy even if his libido was low at the time.

These things happen and it's nobody's fault. You might find a way to stay together, without being physically intimate. If that happens your relationship will change, but it's hard to say to what degree. Hope things work out.

I am in a similar position but mid 50s. I honestly think that if I didn't initiate sex we'd never do it again. I just want to be made to feel desired and not told 'don't get any ideas' if start cuddling him.

I often read threads like yours OP where a man can't keep his hands off his wife. I just can't imagine that at all. I'm generally considered attractive and I'm in really good shape. I still get the occasional glad eye from men which I like because it makes me at least feel I'm not totally asexual.

I find it pretty depressing and it's starting to knock my confidence. I completely understand how people end up having affairs (although I like to think I'd never do that, I still think about it quite a lot!!).

I hate the idea that I'm never going to be desired again and I feel like I'm persuading my DH into having sex with me which is a huge passion killer.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

But you would be unreasonable to pester him for hugs and flirting.

Just let him be.

What would be your ideal sexual schedule? And what's the difference between that and his preference?

I can't agree with those saying this inevitably spells the break-up of your relationship. Many couples find that the sexual side of the relationship peters out as they age, often accompanied by a mutual sense of relief.

It may be that your husband is by now just as relieved as you are that the sexual aspects, and the stresses involved, are over and done with. Like many older women, many older men are content to explore/relieve their desires through solitary fantasy and masturbation, which is much less fuss and bother.

The ages at which these sorts of changes occur within marriages can vary widely. As long as both of you are generally content with the relationship, there needn't be cause to worry.

Oh that's really going to help! Tell a person you find them sexy but don't find them sexy enough to have sex with them. Especially when married to them. And for those saying sex stops being important at a certain age, they are 43 and 42 for crying out loud, not decrepit. It's clear the husband would still like to have sex so he's definitely not past it.

I used to really enjoy sex but since menopause it is excruciatingly painful - so l get it op. We do other stuff but actual intercourse is too painful

Like many older women, many older men are content to explore/relieve their desires through solitary fantasy and masturbation, which is much less fuss and bother.

I can't disagree with you, because maybe you're correct but I find this quite a depressing thought.

Isn’t that totally tone deaf?

DH, you are really sexy, I hope that makes you feel happy and wanted, but I don’t want you!

He’d be even more likely to go elsewhere.

This actually seems like a good compromise - you could agree to it and say sex is off the table the rest of the time. Then 6 days out of 7 you wouldn't even have to worry about him initiating.

Obviously this would only work if you're still happy to have sex with him OP.

But I do think mismatched libidos is a killer in a relationship

Yeah, right

Have you considered why you never wanted sex?

To all that keep replying to my post, see my reply to the first commenter.

If you still have an urge to reply, just note that I don't care and won't be replying further to these posters.

I fully understand this situation. My marriage ended for similar reasons. But that's why - I don't think you can just never have sex again unless you're both definitely happy with that. And your husband obviously isn't.

Op, i'm the same age as you roughly and in a sexless marriage, for 8 years. Together for 20. However, the difference is neither of us initiate sex so we are not rejecting each other. We also don't have much intimacy. To be honest we don't particularly talk about it, which probably isn't the best. For myself I fear talking about it would reveal we need to change things and I don't feel particularly like I want to change things. I certainly wouldn't want to blow apart my family or my life which in many respects I am quite happy with. Maybe it helps that neither of us are great in bed! Obviously I never would have thought I'd be in this situation and recognise I'm missing out on part of what marriage is. But it doesn't outweigh other things for me. It is tricky to know what to say because you're missing intimacy but not sex, and your husband is missing both, but I don't think you should have sex if you don't want to. I almost wonder if some sex but less would work almost on a schedule, so you're not anxious on non sex days, but appreciate others might think where's the spontaneity, and it could feel like pressure.

So you want hugs and flirting to validate your emotions but not sex to validate his? Poor bloke. Sorry but cake and eat it springs to mind. A sexless marriage has to be mutually desired/agreed. At the moment your happiness is reliant on his misery and frustration, which is unsustainable. The only way forward is amicable separation.

Have you thought about couples counselling to address the sex and other issues? I’d try that before rushing for a divorce. Do you get on otherwise?

It is not too late! Please get out! 50 is young. I was in your position - got out in my late 40s, and am now (in my early 50s) in a very happy relationship filled with emotional and physical intimacy. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin and being who I am when not dealing the emotional baggage and loss of self-esteem that comes with a sexless relationship filled with rejection. Get out. Be free. Work for your happiness!

Honestly, I wouldn't blame him at all for looking outside the marriage. You basically do not have a functioning marriage. I feel really bad for your husband. Did you never wonder why your sex drive is so low?

The husband is only 43 and nothing in the OP indicates that he's remotely happy to be in a sexless marriage. In fact quite the opposite and he sounds anything but relieved. In fact the OP says

"Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore."

So he's very far from content and there is definitely cause to worry.

Doing 'other stuff' instead of penetrative sex is very different from refusing any form of sex at all, though. The OP has no sexual desire at all, so I doubt she's 'doing other stuff'.

My relationship would still be a happy one without penetrative sex. I'd certainly miss it, but I'd still be satisfied.

It would not be a happy one with no sexual activity at all.

I’m sorry, but you have rejecting him for years, and now you have the cheek to say you are upset because you don’t get cuddles. Being constantly rejected is soul crushing. He has prob stayed whilst the kids are little.

it’s likely he’s started an affair where his needs are being met. He will prob bide his time until the kids have left school then he will up and leave with someone.

sorry to be so blunt, but this happens time and time again. If someone’s sexual needs aren’t met, eventually they will get them met elsewhere.

Unless you are both on the same page I don’t think it’s fair, especially when both so young.

Do you enjoy any activities together? Do you love eachother?

That does sound resentful but also sounds as though he's trying to keep the relationship viable, and become accustomed to the lack of a sexual dimension.

There are men and women in their 40s who are still up for extramarital affairs and similar sexual adventures, but also many others who are more likely to say "sod that for a game of soldiers". It can be a lot of effort with a high potential for disaster and humiliation.