I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

I was watching a dating program today and a lady was asked what her biggest turn on in the bedroom is. She said " You have to be turned on before you get to the bedroom"

I thought Amen to that. I need a few good days of feeling really good about our relationship ! This could be meant in many ways though.

I do not want to have sex with my husband

• When I've been overworked at home and at work
• He's overworked and stressed (Frequently)
• He hasn't been looking after himself, Not eating well.

The conditions prior to the bedroom have to be just right.

Could this be it for you...You're tired so not turned on ?
Is it just him ? or sex in general ....Or could Tom Hardy tempt you ?

Agree, how is 50 too old?? We only get one life!

My husband and I haven't had sex for nearly 8 years. I love him, I fancy him, he fancies me, we get sexy on the dance floor, but he's annoying and we sleep in different rooms because I need sleep when I'm up at 5.17 for work, and he breathes all the time, and is a massive fidget! I wish we had sex more (or at all!) but we don't, and I love going away because we always snuggle (and sometimes more) when we're in a hotel bed! I love him, he loves me, and if I have to use my imagination, it's always him...😜

This really isn’t a dig or anything but with what you’ve described and the fact that you appear to want it, why not just have sex?

I was in almost the exact same situation. He ended up leaving. Which was the right thing to do for him.

God, this is so sad. How wretched.

Wow I'm in exactly your husband's position. Years of being rejected sexually I've just given up trying and tried to suppress that side of myself. I stay in the marriage for the children but the replies on this by thread are making me re-evaluate this.
Those of you who left a sexless marriage, do you regret it? Wish you had done it sooner?

I so relate to that feeling of reading about men who want sex and women who don’t and thinking it sounds like an alternate universe. I just can’t imagine being in a situation where my husband finds me attractive.

Yet the whole world seems to talk about men wanting sex all the time when women don’t. I feel like an imposter in situations where women are talking about sex, or about how they wish their husband didn’t want it so much, and not being able to say anything because I can’t share my situation with them. It’s lonely in more ways than the obvious.

I don’t understand either. You don’t have to have sex when going to sleep.

How on earth is this man manipulating the OP? ‘He doesnt get sex so he withdraws all physical affection’. So, what you’re saying is OPs husband should pack up his desire for sex with his wife whilst offering OP everything she does want to meet her needs whilst he does exactly what with his needs? His desire for a sex life at FORTY THREE years old is perfectly normal.

To be blunt, what is the point of flirting if it's never going to lead anywhere?

I'm 56, periods stopped 4 years ago and I'm OPs DH in my relationship and it is not a good feeling when your spouse has to be cajolled into thinking about sex with you. It's demoralising and damaging to your marriage.

No, you’re being so simplistic about this. Can you not imagine, even with just a tiny bit of empathy, that if somebody has rejected you so thoroughly sexually, you might feel unable to touch them in other ways too?

There’s multiple reasons why it might feel this way. You might feel that you’re physically repulsive to them. You might feel that it’s hard to touch somebody that doesn’t want you in such a fundamental way - and you’re blithely implying that the rejected person should just have no issues here and offer hugs freely, and it will not be complex in someway for them. And where should they draw the line? Should you hug with the top half of your body? Is that OK? Or will that make the other person feel repulsed by you? How about a kiss on the cheek? But not a kiss on the lips?

Often the person that’s rejecting you can’t even explain why, for many years, so you have all of this pain and confusion. You wonder if they might be gay, you wonder if maybe they find other people attractive, but not you, you wonder if they’ve experienced some trauma that they’re not telling you, you wonder if they’ve had an affair, you wonder and wonder and wonder and you never know. You just know that you are missing this huge part of your life that the whole world seems to be full of, otherwise.

I know you’re trying to imply that there’s some form of sex pest situation here, but a lot of women in this situation, don’t even try to initiate, because they feel so thoroughly rejected.

hes sleeping with someone else tbh girl

I don’t like to feel sorry for men

I’m confused about what you want from him, to be honest.

I think in long term relationships it's good to have a bit of a plan about when you're going to have sex. This removes the nightly tension if you aren't up for it as often as the other, and it lets the less up for it partner prepare themselves and make sure they enjoy themselves. If you'd be happy to have sex once a week for example you could agree that on a Saturday you'll go to bed early and make it happen.
Sex sometimes needs effort to get started but usually women tend to find that their sexual response kicks in once they get going even if it appears awol beforehand. Knowing that sex is planned too can be fun and build tension.

Hello - I’ve been in your situation and after the sex stopped (18 months without it) we just stopped being affectionate with each other, started sleeping in separate beds and then eventually got divorced. We had been married 24 years. I realised that I didn’t really love him. I then met my soul mate and I could not keep my hands off him so I knew it wasn’t my libido it was him.

This is very true IMO, but if someone constantly rejects their partners advances then its likely there isn't going to be much 'feeling good about your relationship" because you just end up feeling needy and unattractive.

Do you literally never want to have sex with him? Do you feel attraction to other people but not him? Do you have any sexual desires? Would you be willing to start dating him and seeing if you can get the spark back?

I haven’t withdrawn love from my husband, I’ve just been physically rejected for so many, many years, that I don’t know where the line is for his rejection of me.

Most people that don’t want sex often can’t explain it to the other person. I’ve just replied to somebody else on this where I’ve explained that I’ve spent absolutely years wondering if my husband could be gay, is it just me he finds unattractive? Does he find other women attractive? Has he had an affair? Is it something physical? He says he loves me, but he can’t tell me why he doesn’t want to have sex.

So it might be possible for you to separate those things in your mind, but it’s really hard as somebody rejected in this way to just keep offering up everything else you have without it becoming complex. When you feel that you are repulsive in some way to somebody, it feels strange to then hug them.

There’s an underlying current in some of these replies that suggest that the rejected person sexually, is some form of a sex pest if they then aren’t physically affectionate in other ways when the situation’s been going on for a long time. Could you not imagine a scenario where it’s actually the other way? Where any form of contact makes you feel like you’re offering something that might be rejected or repulsive in some way?

So weird. Why don't you have sex and then go to bed in your own room? I don't get this at all.

Stupid comment

Thank you for taking the time to say this, I really appreciate it. I think I feel so embedded in my situation. It’s hard to imagine a way out. And I feel guilty. I can’t imagine somebody else wanting me at this stage and it would feel pointless to leave, even though I know I would advise somebody else to do it. It’s so lovely to read that somebody else has found happiness afterwards, though, a little spark of hope!

From the OP
For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward.

There's one glaring omission in your post, OP. You say you've "always had different sex drives" and that you only give in to sex to spare his feelings, and then resent that afterwards. Have you ever really enjoyed sex with him? Or has it always been one of those things where you tell yourself you "like the closeness" and "like making him feel good" but he never actually gives you an orgasm? The fact that you want everything except sex from him - and you haven't mentioned any medical issues - makes me wonder if you're trying to make it work in a relationship where the sex has always been subpar. And your body is simply tired of pretending.

Are you one of those women who thinks your own pleasure takes too long to achieve, and is too embarrassing to ask for? Is DH one of those men happy to kid himself that what feels good for him must feel equally good for you? No extra effort required? Is he also, potentially, one of those men who lets you take on a disproportionate share of kids and household duties, then can't imagine why you've gone off him?

If any of the above applies, it's time to stop with all the sad sack feelings of guilt and get honest. With him and with yourself. Stop pretending you don't have needs. You do. Stop pretending it doesn't matter if your husband isn't meeting them. It does.

You don't have to be cruel, but truth is your only chance of saving this.