I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

So basically OP you want to have your cake and eat it. You got the no initiating sex you were after, but are now unhappy that your DH shows you no affection. What did you expect would happen when the poor sod finally gave up trying to shag you? You now feel the way he did when you repeatedly rejected him.

I think you have 2 choices. Sort out your sex life or separate. This marriage will not last much longer as it is. And if your husband is having am affair, I for one don't blame him.

please see your GP and get hrt. it makes a massive difference

I've read the FT and haven't seen anyone say this. Op most likely went off having sex because of the pressure of it being expected all of the time. A cuddle can make people feel closer but when it's a cuddle that has to lead to sex it leads to pressure.

My god, the replies on this thread are horrible.

OP has been putting out for years due to feeling under pressure to do so, so as not to hurt a man's feelings. So she grinned and bared it for years, to spare a man's feelings.

Now everyone is shaming her, telling her it's the end of her marriage and "what did you expect".

I thought we were past the days of wives being their husband's property to be available whenever the man wanted sex?

I really hate this attitude on MN that we must always give our husbands sex, otherwise when they stray, it's all our own faults.

Fuck me, this place is ridiculous sometimes.

@MaryPoppins89 I'm sorry that you're in this situation, I can totally appreciate how relieved you feel. There are obviously reasons as to why this is, sexual incompatibility, not just in terms of quantity. Have you ever enjoyed sex with him? Is it really bad? I think you have lived your life always putting his feelings first, and now you feel guilty for putting yourself first. I personally think he's emotionally manipulating you, he doesn't get sex, so he withdraws all physical affection. It's a vicious circle.

Only you know if you think you may ever want to get the intimacy back or not. Perhaps some counselling if you do want to salvage things. I do think you should be gentle on yourself, you've spent a long time always putting his feelings first, at the expense of your own.

No, the situation damaged him. Sounds like it damaged the OP also.

So he should just shut up and accept that that part of their relationship is done forever? To be fair, it seems that is what hes done

Ypu cant just expect anyone, man or woman, to be in a celibate relationship with you forever

The OP doesn't say anything to suggest that she's done anything about it or tried to solve the problem

If you didn’t want to damage him emotionally then maybe you shouldn’t have made him feel like sh1t all the time.

She doesn't have to give him sex at all, obviously. But she cant expect to keep hold of him whilst making no attempts to fix the situation!

No, but blaming the one who doesn't want sex and making out they're the bad guy is ridiculous.

I couldn't stay in a sexless marriage myself, but there's no need to assign blame when she probably had no control over this, It's the sexual incompatibility that caused the issue, not the OP.

No sex, no intimacy= no marriage. Living as flatmates is OK if both want that and agree to that type of relationship but strangely some spouses do like intimacy and sex. And wanking off in the bathroom really isn't the same for some.

That's a bit of a reach. It sounds like OP naturally just wanted little or no sex. And now that the pressure has gone altogether, she still wants absolutely no sex with her DH.

And what does that mean in practical terms?
That she should have had sex when she didn't want it?
Do you think the outcome for the couple but we any better now if she had been having sex she didn't want?

Or what should she have done exactly?

Talked to him if she felt pressured, talked to him generally about what was going on with her sex drive, spoken to a therapist, both of them had therapy, checked her hormone levels weren't to blame, considered if her lack of sex drive was due to medication, depression etc

@BeanQuisine "That does sound resentful but also sounds as though he's trying to keep the relationship viable, and become accustomed to the lack of a sexual dimension."

I doubt that very much. He's decided not to pursue sex with his wife because of constant rejection but most blokes (especially at his age) aren't going to consign their dicks to history.

Well yes she can't expect that, but the issue is that most people don't say it kindly, it's a fact that sexual incompatibilities can split a couple up, the one who wants sex can't make their partner be happy to have sex, the one who doesn't want to have sex can't make their partner be happy to stay in a relationship without sex. It's an incompatibility and blame shouldn't be automatically assigned to the one who doesn't want to have sex, but it often is, and I don't know who people think they are helping when they think the answer was/is to just have sex anyway, most of the time that causes more issues and then they end up with the same outcome anyway where they end up not having any sex in the end.

@MaryPoppins89 I wonder if all the "poor him" women have thought through what it might be like when they hit the menopause.
It sounds as though he's using emotional blackmail. Only you know if that's true. What's more important to him, the sex or his relationship with you? It's obviously a two way thing and if he's happy to go ahead when he even has a glimmer of you not being in the mood, he's being selfish.
Have you thought about couples therapy?

Maybe she did talk to him. I'd be surprised if they went years of this pattern without ever discussing it at all.

Whilst I sympathise with you and I agree with PPs that no one should have to have sex that they don't want, no one should have to stay in a sexless marriage either.

My marriage broke down due to this. I was the rejected partner - sex went from twice a week, to once a month, then 7 months passed. After one discussion, I actually said I wouldn't ask for any sort of sex or intimacy any more, as I couldn't take any more rejection. He argued he wasn't 'rejecting' me. I shut down eventually - no flirting, no reaching out to hold hands during the night, no cheeky bum grabs, no forehead kisses, no cuddling in in a cold bed. Everything eventually disappeared and we now live like housemates. We're now discussing separating permanently and neither of us are truly happy. I've only just turned 40 and I'm not willing to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. It wasn't just the sex, we resented each other so much that we didn't spend time together to watch tv, or eat meals together, we literally became passing ships and it stemmed from being rejected constantly.

Being the rejected partner made me feel worthless and hurt, I withdrew into myself, lost my confidence and became a shadow. He was unwilling to discuss what he wanted or what I could do to make it better, which didn't help matters.

Well I’ve hit menopause - HRT, sex drive as good as ever. People can have whatever sex life they want, if one really isn’t satisfied, chances are they will stray

This isn't a tenable long-term solution for your marriage. Unless you BOTH want to live more platonically, you are forcing him to squash an essential part of who he is into a box and never let it out, because it makes you feel bad. You're congratulating him for - rightly - being a good human about it and not forcing the issue if his attempts to initiate intimacy are rejected, because him doing that makes you feel more comfortable, while being sad because now he doesn't hug or kiss you any more.

Hugs and kisses are for the person you are fucking. You don't hug and kiss your best friend, you don't hold their hand, don't pat their bum in the kitchen. You're not playful with them, you don't flirt with them. If you want to be his best friend, then you accept that you get the best friend treatment, because what else is the poor man to do? You can't have all the intimacy on your terms - 'Make me feel desirable by flirting with me and kissing me, but don't you dare desire me. I don't want you, I just want to know that you to want me.' That's very fucked up.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you're hiding your head in the sand and being cruel and unreasonable at the same time. It is perfectly fine to not want sex. It is not fine to expect your husband to carry on behaving like HE wants sex with you, but never to have the sex with you.

But surely she could try and resolve this, nothing sounds like she has and now she’s unhappy he’s not showing affection.

Damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t.

I would not want to be in a celibate relationship in my early 40s!

Sorry to hear this, but good on you, no one should have to live in a sexless marriage if it’s not what they want. I hope you eventually find someone more in tune .

Nothing indicates to me that she did, but she may come back and confirm either way.

Well done, o hope you find happiness.

You must realise your marriage is over. I suspect your choices are to part amicably and let your husband find someone who loves all of him for the next 40 years or stay together and then be outraged when he cheats 🤷🏻‍♀️