How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

You need to grow up

I wouldn’t care.

There must be more to this! Maybe you don’t feel that he fancies you?

Are you insecure? This really wouldn't bother me!

Good god this is a ridiculous level of insecurity

Well, my husband has never actually said he ‘fancies’ someone on TV. But we both might comment if someone is objectively attractive. Doesn’t bother me at all.

I think you’re over thinking. What he wants and what he can get are two different things.

I wouldn’t have a clue who he fancies, he’s never shown any signs he fancies anyone else at all, let alone telling me who. It would be utterly bizarre if he did, imo, why would I want to know that? I’m not an idiot, and he’s not blind, I’m aware he surely likes the look of various other women but it is, in my opinion, a bit weird to chat about it!
I’m sorry you’re feeling so insecure about this, it’s rubbish.

How many women does he 'fancy'? I could only name a couple of actresses my husband thinks are attractive - although I'm sure there more he just doesn't talk about it. Aren't there actors you find good looking?

Yeah, that doesn't really help, tbh. It might be true but I'm already aware of this.

Yes, I would likely be thinking “you should be so lucky!”

People still find others attractive even when they’re in relationships. It’s normal and doesn’t mean anything as long as they’re not acting on it.

We both know the celebs each other likes and we’ll talk/joke about it sometimes. We know we are attracted to each other and love each other so it’s not a big deal at all.

Are you insecure in your relationship? Does he make you feel secure, attractive and loved?

I understand this feeling. It’s insecurity. Like you feel he’s comparing you to an actress. He isn’t.

How does he behave when he’s with you and an attractive woman is about? Does he look for too long and get distracted or glance and focus back on you.

It’s something to talk about with him.

I encourage it lol as i openly have actors I think are hot and have also met some of them in real life. Just a bit of fun. Doesn’t mean I don’t love or fancy my DH.

Not really. I might think they're better looking thsn someone else but I don't fancy anyone and I don't really think like that.

There are probably about half a dozen or so that he's told me he fancies.

I don't expect him to be blind but I don't know why he felt the need to tell me. Or what he expected me to do with that information.

And no, to answer a pp, I don't think he finds me attractive.

Wait until you’ve been together a bit longer and you’ll just be hoping it doesn’t give him any ideas at bedtime 🥱

You know this is ridiculous yes? I don’t wish to belittle your feelings but honestly! This is just you being insecure

But how would that look?

Yeah, you should be so lucky. She could have her pick of men so she wouldn't choose you! That's why you're stuck with someone who looks like me and not with someone who looks like her.

Why do you think your partner doesn’t find you attractive? I suspect that might be why you feel insecure.

Absolutely ridiculous

You don’t fancy anyone? No actor you find attractive, I find that unusual

honestly with my husband it doesn’t even cross my mind,

do you have jealousy issues with real life women too?

I don't feel this way myself OP (in fact I couldn't care less), but if you don't express it to your partner and would rather go and do something else while he watches TV then I can't see the harm in that. I don't think you should make yourself watch if you're not enjoying it.

Sorry why do you think he doesn’t find you attractive, are you not intimate, why are you together if he doesn’t find you attractive?

I’m a very jealous person but there is a level where you just have to accept that some people are objectively attractive and your partner will find them attractive too.

I don’t really care when my DH gawps at Sandra Bullock. She is, without doubt, beautiful and watchable - I can’t blame him. If he flirted with Sandra on the checkout, now that would piss me off.

I doubt it really runs that deep for him. I know when I’m watching a movie or TV show with somebody I think is very attractive in it, I’m not actually running through a real-time fantasy of us in bed together, and I don’t think other people are, either. I’m just watching a very pleasantly appealing person who makes the narrative tick along enjoyably and is nice to look at. Much the same as when I watch the very cute acquisitions manager at work studiously making a cup of tea: it’s just casual, lazy appreciation, not active thoughts going on.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se with the way you choose to handle it, but feeling as though you’re an intruding third wheel is something of an extreme. You’re creating an entire thought process for your DH that he almost certainly isn’t having, and then second guessing what you’ve created. Have you try to redirect yourself as you’re doing it?