How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

There's no way you'll ever let him see you walk around naked??

I don't mean to sound cliché but have you had any therapy OP? Because it sounds like you really, really would benefit from getting to the bottom of why you feel this way....

??? Was that in response to me?

Yes

I don't understand....

This is exactly what I was saying...

The OP was saying her DP "fancies" celebrities yet she said she doesn't but there are male celebs that she "finds attractive".

My point was that it's pretty much the same thing and, like you say, not worthy of headspace either way!

It not the same though.

It's more like the fact I don't like Christmas pudding. It's only ever an issue or a thought once a year when someone offers me Christmas pudding.

Ii don't ever spontaneously tell people I don't like Christmas pudding. i dont think about christmas pudding from one December to the next. I don't just bring it up in a completely unrelated conversation. This is how relevant the men I named are to me.

However, I have very strong thoughts about certain political topics and they are the sort of thing I'll shoe horn into a random conversation or use to illustrate and unreated point because they're on my mind lot. This is closer to what he was doing.

Well nevermind.

I will be watching something and see an actress I know my husband likes looking especially attractive in a scene. I will lightheartedly let him know he might want to check out the particular movie or tv show even if it isn’t normally something that would be something he watches. It just doesn’t bother me at all. He isn’t gross about it or anything so maybe that is why.

Are you 15?

So (and sorry but just trying to understand) your DP just randomly talks about famous women who he fancies and how attractive they are? Like you'll be sat having a meal and out of nowhere he'll just say "I can't stop thinking about Halle Berry and how gorgeous she is / how great her figure is"?

Or are you already talking about the film / TV programme and so it's already in the topic of conversation?

Because yeah if he brings random women up completely out of nowhere to discuss their physical appearance then that's a bit odd...

The problem here is that he feels he needs to tell you about other women he fancies. Why is he doing this? It’s odd, immature behaviour and I wonder whether he’s doing it to keep you in your place. Worth you reflecting on this.

You have very low self esteem. Do you ever workout? I do sporadically but I always feel much more confident and sexy after a few workouts even though I look nothing like a Hollywood star. I think it’s the endorphins but the tightening up of the muscles helps too.

Also right now it is Winter. Most of us are covered up in warm layers and slumped on the sofa. Sexy women on telly are always showing some skin and holding themselves in attractive positions.

Once it warms up and I have more skin on show my DP remembers I’ve been keeping a woman’s body under my huge dressing gown and the compliments and flirting start up again.

To answer your question it’s usually me that points out when women are hot. I’m in awe of how gorgeous some women are. His response if he agrees is “No comment!” 😂

He doesn't do it now but yes that's how it was done.

For those saying I've named men I find attractive I didn't say that but if pushed to name men I've thought were good looking then they are the ones I'd say.

If he'd just said X is pretty or attractive I wouldn't have thought anything of it but I really fancy X, I've always fancied Y or Z is really sexy is different.

But the lpoint is my opinions on those men are so irrelevant that he doesn't know. No one knows. It's not important.

He went out of his way to make sure I knew who he thought was gorgeous, sexy or who he fancies.

Whilst not saying those things about me.

When he suggested I wore things it wasn't in a you seem a bit down on yourself, if you wore thse things you might feel a bit more attractive ij yourself way because they were said at the time I did assume he found me attractive. They were said in the context of she looks really good in that, you should wear it. When 'she' was 20 years old at the time she wore it. Or can you dress up in X so you look like Y in this specific film/programme/music video.

With my ex of 9 years this used to make me feel shit, insecure, unattractive, not worthy, it was him who made me feel that way though, not the beautiful women he fancied. He would say similar things to your partner.

With my husband, not insecure at all, I know he loves me and finds me attractive and that’s the same the other way even though there are a couple of actors I really fancy 🤣 My husband is less vocal about who he finds attractive but I can of course recognise when a woman is very beautiful.

My DH thinks I’m a massive prude because I feel exactly the same way as you, it just makes me deeply uncomfortable if I feel we’re watching something and he finds someone else attractive.

A recent example is Sopranos. I hate the endless pointless nudity anyway to be honest, it adds absolutely zilch to the programme. He made a comment about the character Adrianna, it was something along the lines of ‘I’m surprised Chris feels the need to cheat’ and I knew exactly what he meant. For one I was offended he thought the other men had a right to cheat because their wives were older and not as ‘hot’ or whatever but then yeah I was uncomfortable watching scenes with her in thereafter and kind of glad when she was killed 😂

So yeah, I’m insecure about this shit too and it’s ok. I definitely don’t tell my DH I find men attractive, it would not be appropriate for me to do this. That’s just my view, as I say, I’m obviously a huge prude.

This is like me! I also do this when out and about! 🤣 My husband also says no comment 🤣

I used to feel like you OP but I grew out of it when I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. OTOH, I wouldn't discuss what men I find attractive with my partner. That's what my mates are for.

I genuinely don’t care.

Get a grip!

I think your feelings are valid and DH pointing out celebrities he fancies is not the real issue. I think anyone would feel insecure in a relationship where they were invisible in their own right and expected to dress like an actor their partner found sexy in a film. Where’s the real you? Where’s the real relationship.

But I would expect the same attitude to be present in real life. Left in a corner while he tries to impress a real woman he finds sexy. Maybe you don’t socialise together. Maybe he never gets the opportunity because he’s not good looking or charming enough.

But he is creating an environment where you feel less than and not good enough and this is impacting negatively on your view of yourself. I think this is a relationship problem not a you problem.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. It's human nature to look at someone on the TV/movie or out in the street and find them attractive. It doesn't mean, we're going to cheat, want to cheat or love our wife/husband/partner any less. If I watched a movie with a female actor that I knew my husband found attractive, it wouldn't bother me. She's not going to be knocking on our front door and saying, 'How about it love', is she!! The likelihood if your husband is watching a film with a female actor he likes, he's barely given her much thought! He's not a teenage boy, sitting there drooling, eyes popping out of his head!

I've never been hugely confident in myself but spent a long time single and did a lot of work on myself.

I take care of myself. I haven't really changed that much over the years. I obviously look a bit older but not significantly so. No one would see a photo of me at 25 and be shocked at how much I've changed becaue i haven't really.

When we first got together, I was really confident and secure in myself. It was fine and lovely. I felt safe, attractive and loved.

Now I just feel foolish for having got it so wrong.

I don't know why he felt it was necessary to tell me. He can't tell me either which doesn't help. He just denies it.

So there's not even a 'I literally thought she looked nice in one film but unless I see her in that I think nothing of her!" That I can rationalise.

Next time your husband asks you to dress up in something to look like an actress he fancies you do the same thing and ask him to dress like an attractive male character. His response to that would tell you all you need to know. Though I think saying a celebrity is attractive isn't a problem, it's going a bit far to ask you to dress like them. Tbh if my DH asked me to dress like an actress I'd swiftly be telling him to fuck off and find someone else to do it for him if I'm not good enough for him the way I am. You really need to boost your self esteem and confidence and if you think your DH is saying shit to be a twat then let him know you're not interested in his bullshit games. I know it's a bit cliché but you really need to love yourself more

I have absolutely no idea which actresses my DP finds attractive. He’s never told me and I’ve never asked!

I just don’t think anyone needs to confess this to their partner. If you want to discuss it with friends in private then whatever but not your partner. It isn’t necessary, I don’t see what it adds to your relationship.