I think the main issue is that when I've tried to talk to him he has shut it down, which has eventually led me to believe it's a bigger problem than I did/there's more to it than if he'd just been open about it.
It seemed odd that he was so open in telling me "I really fancy X" or X is really sexy but then shut down when I asked why he thought that or why he'd said it.
It has sort of become the elephant in the room.
I don't believe he finds me attractive. He doesn't do anything to suggest he does or make any effort to make me feel attractive. When I did and was open to it. This is a change not how it always was.
Even when he initiates sex, it doesn't feel right. We go to bed, he tends to be in bed first reading or playing a game on his phone. I get in. Most of the time nothing is said or I'll chatter away for a bit but stop because I feel like I'm disturbing him. I lie down put a podcast on to listen to. He reads for half an hour/an hour or so and then he puts his book/phone down, turns of the light and then cuddles up behind me. But by then I'm almost asleep or already asleep or just in a completely different zone I feel like sex is just something that he might or might not want to do on a given night when he's caught up on reading or fb or his game or any of the other things he'd rather do first. I suppose there's no connection at all. I'm constantly aware that he doesn't find me physically attractive but there's no emotional or mental connection either so it catches me unawares and doesn't feel like his desire for sex anything to do with me. Because it isn't.
He's just got in from work and the first thing he's done is make a cup of tea for us both and then sat on the sofa and got his phone out. Obviously, I have now too 😉
It's my turn to cook tonight (I've offered and he cooked last night).
So I'll go into the kitchen and put some music on and cook. He'll stay in the living room on his phone. On the nights that he cooks, I usually go in and sit at the table with a glass of wine and chat.
We'll eat, he'll tell me how nice it was and then wash up. He'll make a cup of tea and we'll go into the living room. He'll go back on his phone for an hour or so.
I just feel like I don't matter on a day to day level. He would go above and beyond for me if I needed it. He's very supportive when I'm ill or need to vent about work.
I know he'd disagree with that and probably be a bit hurt/pissed off because he'd think but I do X, Y and Z for you. And he does. He does loads for me and I appreciate it but it's the enjoying 'being with' me that I think is lacking.
He'd drop everything if I needed or asked him to but we can spend the whole evening together and I feel he only notices me when I leave the room. He has no interest in talking to me when I'm there. It's like it doesn't occur to him. But will ask where I'm going if I leave.
Like I'm not noticeable in bed unless he wants sex.
Like I'm not noticeable in the room until I leave.
And I suppose I think that he would notice me if he fancied me?
I don't know.
I mean, I suggested going out last Satruday night. I find it hard nowadays but I really wanted to spend some time together out and having fun. He agreed but then just sat on the sofa on his phone and made no effort to get ready. The evening out wasn't mentioned again and the night came and went.
Before he met me, he had loads of friends and was out all the time. Always laughing and enjoying himself. And now he rarely does any of it and rarely sees his friends. I just feel like I've ruined his life and he's so miserable with me that he doesn't want to.he seen out with me or even do the things he used to.
I suppose people will think that this is because I've brought him down but I haven't, not intentionally anyway, and I can't really explain it. I was so happy and carefree when we got together. I felt safe and loved and desired and things he has said have chipped away at that security.
But when I've tried to bring it up he's just shut it down so I'm left not knowing whether what I think is right. And trying to make sense of it.
As others have said, why be with me in the first place if he wasn't attracted to me? But then why deliberately tell me things that would make me feel shit about myself too?