How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

OP can be told by everyone in the world she's bu to feel insecure but that's not going to make her feel any better about things. She knows it probably knows it doesn't make sense but to her, her feelings are very real.
It's good to hear so many peeps are confident and comfortable with their partners, but there is no need to dismiss OP's worries.
Maybe you need to have a talk with OP about it. You can't control what he thinks, neither should you but if he loves you he will be able to reassure you.

DH has never expressed a fancy for anyone on film or TV.

However, when we were watching House of Cards, he would flash me a raised eyebrow, every time Mahershala Ali appeared on screen… If I hadn’t already said “phwoar” I was about to!

Little comments suggesting I dress differently (nothing wrong with how I dress but I'm not 'sexy').

He never compliments me.

It makes no difference whether I'm dressed up to go out or slobbing around the house in pj's. I feel invisible.

He did used to compliment me but not for a long time and the 'you look nice' he said to me was never quite the 'she is sexy/beautiful/gorgeous' he said about them so I started to shut it down because it just made me feel shit.

I know who my partners celeb crushes are and he knows mine. I would never think twice about not watching something that they were in.

Im able to appreciate the female form and attractive women, it doesn’t mean my partner loves me less because he does too.

You need some therapy and to work on your self esteem.

I just realised I read it as dozen, not half dozen.

I fancy loads of clebs married about 6 in my head lol.
But it's just that a joke.

What do you mean he 'fancies' them? He finds them attractive? How do you know and what does he say about them? I think the only way you would have a point is if he was actively comparing you and making you feel like shit. If he has expressed a passing attraction you are being pretty ridiculous and probably need to work on your self esteem.

I find big, muscly men attractive. The Rock, Alan Ritchson etc. If I am watching something with them in it my DH will be laughing at me as I will be v appreciative of their biceps etc.

He finds people like Gal Gadot, Salma Hayek etc attractive. I look nothing like them. Doesn't bother me a bit. In fact I will probably be appreciating how gorgeous they are as much as he is

What do you mean he 'fancies' them? He finds them attractive? How do you know and what does he say about them? I think the only way you would have a point is if he was actively comparing you and making you feel like shit. If he has expressed a passing attraction you are being pretty ridiculous and probably need to work on your self esteem.

I find big, muscly men attractive. The Rock, Alan Ritchson etc. If I am watching something with them in it my DH will be laughing at me as I will be v appreciative of their biceps etc.

He finds people like Gal Gadot, Salma Hayek etc attractive. I look nothing like them. Doesn't bother me a bit. In fact I will probably be appreciating how gorgeous they are as much as he is

If a bloke did this with his partner he'd probably get done over on MN. Disrespectful to the partner and the stranger.

Huh? I don’t know any woman who doesn’t fancy someone famous, actor, rock star, whoever. It’s perfectly normal for both men and women to have crushes on famous people. It’s not just some man thing.

DH and I might start rewatching Andor. Bit of eye candy for both of us ….

Sorry I didnt see this update before I posted my thoughts. I dont think the issue is watching the movies then. It is how he is treating you, which is shit

Sorry this is so weird. Its people on the TV. Its okay to still find other people attractive. You don't ever look at a celebrity and think theyre good looking?

Tbh i don't think it's at all respectful to you that your partner tells you he " fancies" these women. Why did he feel the need to tell you that?

Obviously you can't stop him finding these women sexually attractive but why didn't he keep that information to himself.

Sounds like negging to me OP.
Deliberately making you feel inferior to women whose career is often dependent on their looks.

Yeah its not your then. It's your relationship. Hes not fulfilling you in fact he's doing the opposite dragging you down.

Im at a loss as to why anyone can stay with someone who treats them horribly. How can you love someone/care for them/want to rip their clothes off etc if they are mean to you?! My va*ina would dry right up and id be out of there 😂

Stick him in the bin

I've no idea who my husband fancies or indeed if he fancies anyone at all. I'm sure he must, but he's a quirky guy, not like anyone else I've been in a relationship with, and sex/ attraction isn't really a driving force for him in the way it seems to be with most of the men I've known. (To be clear, we have sex and both enjoy it, I'm confident he's attracted to me, but it's probably far lower down his list of priorities than a lot of other people).

That said, I've been in other relationships with other men who did mention who they found attractive/ fancied etc, and it didn't bother me at all. I'd be a bit more uncomfortable if it was people in real life. I fancy the pants of some actors/ other people in the public eye but I'm not like fantasising about our future together or wishing I could be with them instead of DH, I'm just thinking 'wow that's a good looking man', and I imagine it's the same in reverse.

DH knew about my borderline obsession with Benedict Cumberbatch only and specifically as Sherlock, and he still watched Sherlock with me. He thought it was funny, and also puzzling as he couldn't really see the appeal!

I think finding attractive and fancying probably are the same thing but thinking someone is good looking or attractive is different.

Eg I think my brother, his wife, my best friend my colleague and my partner's sister are attractive. I don't find any of them attractive.

I mean - is this info he's just come out while watching or have you had a convo about it and asked him?

They were completely unsolicited comments made while discussing TV programmes we like/films we like/bands we like. I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't want to be told or know. I found it odd that he'd gone to the effort of making sure knew when it was irrelevant to the conversation.

Whether I like a TV programme/fillm/band or whatever has never been influenced by whether I fancied someone in it.

Like you feel he’s comparing you to an actress. He isn’t.

I know people say this but in the past he asked me to dress like someone he fancies. That is comparing. He's looked at me and thought he'd fancy me (more) if I resembled someone else.

I share this story to demonstrate a point: maybe your partner is being insensitive or outright disrespectful in his behaviour? Or maybe you need to work on loving yourself first.

He's just insensitive. I think. He has a thought and it just comes out. He isn't being intentionally disrespectful. But these are the thoughts he's had.

Well he certainly doesn't feel that way.

I’ve already said that we know which celebs we find attractive, but my partner wouldn’t be calling them sexy and gorgeous, he just says he likes them. And importantly, he tells me i look nice and makes me feel like I’m the most attractive woman in the world.

Your partner sounds like a dick.

And what the hell is that about your friend being flirty with your husband? Friends don’t do that.

He actually turned to you and said, "I fancy them." Why? Did he want to give you the ick?

Wouldn’t bother me at all but my husband doesn’t vocalise about women he fancies (just not that kind of person) so I don’t actually know which celebrities he’d feel this way about. He most definitely will fancy them but I just don’t know which and that’s fine with me. I find actors/ sports men attractive and he also doesn’t mind

I mean he's said "I really fancy X" in passing while we were watching something.

Or while we were talking about programmes and films we like, it was given as a reason for watching something even if he thought the film/programme itself was a bit crap.

He's only said it about half a dozen women because I asked him why he thought I was interested and he said he didn't know and I told him that I wasn't.

I assume there are more that he just hasn't told me about.

Why are you still together op?

My partner likes Alisha Lehmann, Megan Fox and Paige Spiranic at present, most probably a lot more he's kept quiet about. Last year he had a calendar of AL and this year he's got MF and PS!!! Probably a midlife crisis as he seems to go for ones about 25, young enough to be his daughter (🤢).

Dear OP, this isn’t about what you both watch on telly, this is about the really important thing you said in one of your comments - you don’t believe he finds you attractive.
THIS is the real issue. What makes you feel this way?

Not really.

And I've never felt so strongly about it that I've felt the need to say to anyone I've been dating that ii really fancy them, no.