How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

You’ve said you don’t think he finds you attractive and that’s the crux of the issue really, I think.

In a healthy, trusting adult relationship it’s not a big deal for people to find a celebrity attractive as it’s not a conflict with something missing in the real life relationship.

It sounds like for you, knowing he fancies anyone else just twists the knife of feeling he doesn’t fancy you? So no in a ‘normal’ and by that I mean healthy and trusting relationship, I don’t think it’s usual to feel the way you do.

I can’t imagine feeling fulfilled and comfortable and loved in a relationship with someone I don’t think finds me attractive. How is the relationship as a whole in your view?

It doesn’t bother me at all

I will admit I feel jealous about my DH fancying celebs. For me, I've never idolised famous people, couldn't care less if one was next to me which may play into this, but I feel the same about him fancying celebs as I do him fancying people we know. I don't say anything to him or anyone else about it, I don't go as far as not watching something but I do feel uncomfortable about it.

So there's about 6 he's said he 'fancies'.

I mean - is this info he's just come out while watching or have you had a convo about it and asked him?

In the past my DH said he liked Kylie Minogue (and i know he likes petite women) but it didn't bother me. Back in the day she was pretty 🤷‍♀️

He knows i like Brad Pitt in his older films (Meet Joe Black!!) but why should that bother him? I'm no going to go to Hollywood and seek him out 🤣

The point is, OP, that unless he's making you uncomfortable making comparisons, making you feel bad, or ogling women in real life then this is a you problem and you need to shake it off because life's too short !

Do you think any make celebs are hot? Does it bother your DH? Does it affect how you feel about him? I'm guessing the answer to the last two is no .....

I dunno, maybe I’m just pretty basic, but I don’t have a problem with knowing this tbh. If I weren’t me because I was somebody else entirely, I very probably wouldn’t be with DH, and vice versa. But I am me, and he is him and that’s why we’re together. We aren’t “stuck with” each other, we’re together because neither of us is a whole other different person with different paths and options.

Amused, mostly. I'm fairly sure he's not going to run off with Monica Belluci (and if he can pull her, good luck to him!)

It really doesn't bother me at all. I'm watching Bridgerton at the moment and very much enjoying Jonathan Bailey. IRL he's gay. Should my partner be concerned? No of course not! It's perfectly normal to fancy people who are not your partner. Acting it on is the problem.

No. I can see if someone is good looking but I don't fancy them.

No. I don't worry about him fancying real life women. I know he's attracted to one of my friends. She's quite flirty with him, but he doesn't reciprocate and his behaviour is appropriate. If he actually told me he fancied her I might feel differently.

I'm sure he finds other women attractive but he's told me he fancies these particular women.

I’m with you op, I wouldn’t want to know his creepy thoughts about actresses and who he fancies, some men really do go on about it! when their focus should be on you.I think unfortunately a lot women accept it, because almost all men are like it, doesn’t mean you have to be.

It sounds like you have some insecurities. Are they from within you, or from things he is doing/saying?

I feel like PP - I don't have an issue with it. I joke "it's your favourite woman, X", but that's all. It probably helps that he doesn't gawp, make a big deal about it, and in general he always says he's lucky to have me and thinks I'm beautiful etc.

I share this story to demonstrate a point: maybe your partner is being insensitive or outright disrespectful in his behaviour? Or maybe you need to work on loving yourself first.

I feel loved but not attractive.

I’d probably take the piss out of him.

You’re insecure. He doesn’t make you feel attractive. He’s told you about these half a dozen women he fancies other than you. Does he tell you you’re beautiful? Do you feel like he’s just settling?

I don’t think the problem is that he fancies these women. I think the problem either lies in your insecurity or in your relationship.

I don't feel anything my husband as a big thing for Jody comer I have a big thing for Dave Grohl
You can't seriously be jealous over someone on the TV

This is absolutely wild!

I point out goregous people in the street to my partner. People are allowed to think other people look good, whether they're in a relationship or not.

No, I’d be thinking that because he perhaps he has developed a liking much younger women. I’d never put myself down that much, personally. He’s lucky with me in any case!

My DP doesnt really comment as such, if anything its more me drooling over F1 drivers (were big f1 fans) 😂

In all seriousness though, if you feel loved and secure and safe and valued this really isnt a thing.

Maybe look at what's missing from either your relationship or from yourself for the answer here.

How do you differentiate between 'find attractive' and 'fancy'?

Aren't they basically the same thing?

I’m single by choice and wouldn’t want a man in real life but I look at beautiful men AND women and find them attractive. That doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them!! It’s purely an aesthetic thing of admiring beauty and sex appeal. I’m pretty sure we all do it. Maybe join in if he talks about it? Offer your opinion on the attractiveness or otherwise. Other women are going to be more physically beautiful especially on television. That’s why they’re on TV in most cases. Unless you’re the most beautiful woman in the world! The same goes for men, there must be dozens of TV personalities who are more physically attractive than your other half. But just look at how few people in the public eye are happily married!

I think this is the real problem here. You need to talk with him about this - that you don’t feel attractive to him because he doesn’t tell you, or show you that he does with his actions.

Have you heard of celebrity crashes? There are hundreds of female threads on this portal where women name several of their CCs:) it’s inconsequential. I think you’re seriously overthinking and projecting your insecurities. Have you thought about addressing these issues once and for all? Otherwise you’ll always worry unnecessarily. Think about the wasted time and mental load you’re carrying. Nip in the bud!

I've told him that if his plans come to fruition and he does manage to bag Kylie Minogue then I will step aside for her.

It honestly doesn't bother me. I have my little fantasies, he has his - doesn't mean we don't love each other.

I don't really gaf. My partner sat through 15 seasons of Supernatural with me so I figure I owe him.

I'm not surprised you feel like that. As you say, why is he telling you this? It sounds like he's making a point of telling you about the women he finds attractive while neglecting to compliment you and make you feel attractive.
My husband has never told me about who he finds attractive and I haven't said anything to him either. Obviously he will find actresses attractive but why do I need to know that?

you don’t need to give a false explanation for why you’re leaving the room. You don’t have to watch everything together! No need for tea and kisses and doubling over to give the impression you’re cool with it all. Just get up and do something else if you feel that bad. I’m sure there’s men you find attractive on TV.

You sound insecure but he also sounds childish. I would find it a bit weird to constantly be pointing out he fancies this or that celebrity.

I don’t think she said he’s constantly pointing it out; could easily be he’s mentioned someone is attractive in passing and the ops remembered each one. It’s only a hand full.