How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

In the nicest possible way, WHAT???? That is not a normal reaction at all.

So sorry, just RTFT - this sounds grim, sorry OP. 😞 You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Time to review what you want from a relationship maybe. Wishing you all the best. 💐

I don't think you have to be insecure to dislike this. My partner told me one celebratory he liked and I found I didn't enjoy the film in the same way after, but not because I compared myself to her. It just felt unnecessary and yes, a bit disrespectful. More so if he's not acting in a way that makes you feel attractive to him otherwise.

I don’t know who my DH fancies
But he doesn’t know who I look twice at either

So I just watch stuff and remind myself it works both ways

We are happy in our marriage so it’s not really an issue

Honestly couldn't give a damn.. there are always going to be more attractive women than you going around, you need to accept it

Honestly the women he fancies all look like me so I don’t really care. Also some of them are older as well which I kind of think is good, a sign he will still fancy me when I’m old. I do think maybe I would feel differently if it was someone who looked nothing like me though, like Sydney Sweeney. My ex used to openly pretty much only fancy blonde women and that made me feel a bit down, he is married to a blonde lady now. It made me feel a bit inferior because I obviously want his type, but now because I’m definitely very much DH’s type I don’t mind.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I find people on the telly attractive, I don't sit there mentally cheating on my husband while I watch them. I'm not going to run off with the handsome vicar from Grantchester or have a fling with Poldark or love and fancy my husband any less because he's not Idris Elba.

I think your post says a lot more about you than it does about him. Your replies show that you've got very low self esteem. I don't think this level of jealousy is healthy or helpful, especially if you're making excuses to leave the room when certain actors come on the screen.

All the famous people over the many years we've known each other that my husband's said he's thought we attractive or fancied as a teen are really healthy looking confident and capable characters and I kind of like that because I guess he must see some of that in me!

Chat about it with him, it sounds like it's becoming a bit of a secret fear that makes you feel awful and he's not aware of. I can't fix your self worth and how you feel about yourself but be open with him about your lack of confidence. I used to be a bit like that with my husband and he was a huge boost "you think that?! I think you have the best insert whatever I've ever seen" and "are you mad?! of course you're funny and clever and..."

Yes. I don't know.

Eg we were at the bar in the pub and not talking about people we fancy because its not a topic of conversation i ever engage in even with female friends. And he just told me that he really fancied Amy Pond from Dr Who because she was gorgeous, sexy and really pretty etc. I asked him why he thought I'd want to know and he said he didn't know, but there was nothing wrong with fancying (other) women.

I might have agreed but I started off feeling that I was also a woman he fancied but now I don't. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel but he doesn't get it or says he doesn't fancy anyone so the conversation is pointless.

He did stop doing it but he also stopped saying anything to me at the same time. The only thing that makes sense to me is that he did it because he was trying to make me want to 'do better' and when he realised it wasn't going to work he stopped.

He said a few times that he didn't want to compliment me on my appearance because that was like saying congratulations on your face and it wasn't really important. He does occasionally compliment me on other things - like how I handled a shitty situation at work or something.

Eg I told him something positive that happened at work yesterday and he said afterwards that I needed to remember things like that when I feel shit about myself and added that he knows I do feel shit about myself at times because that showed I wasn't shit.

But it's only me he doesn't want to acknowledge physically. He was quite happy to do it about other women until he stopped.

I can't say I even know who my DH fancies, he never mentions it. It wouldn't bother me though.

I think it’s quite normal and not usually that deep. For example I think Gerald butler is gorgeous, and Jason mamoa. My husband looks like neither, he happily sits and watches something on tv with them in, and I certainly don’t sit there fantasising, I’m watching the film. It’s a passing thing.

but I think if your relationship is in trouble, to the very significant level where you think he doesn’t find you attractive and there is no compliments etc and he tries to even change how you dress to try to fancy you, then I’d say the issue isn’t some random celeb, it’s that. Thay the relationship is over.

I think that's part of it. I'm not his type.

I wish I could he like those when who see that as a positive who think he must really love/fancy me because I'm not his type at all!

I don't feel like that.

I feel like the stuff he said to me at the start (not love bombing stuff just normal stuff) wasn't true.

My DH and I have been together for about 30yrs so forever really. Before we met he went out with a woman who was in a TV series at that time. He only told me because he thought it would be odd if I found out another way and he hadn’t mentioned it. He didn’t have anything bad to say about her just that their relationship fizzled out. I’ve seen her on the TV and yes she’s still a very lovely looking woman my DH never goes out of his way to watch stuff that she’s in but wouldn’t totally avoid it on principle either. She’s nothing like me at all , but I don’t feel threatened in any way I’m the person he’s built a life with, kids, grandkids etc and he makes me feel attractive and loved. She’s also married so I’m not thinking she wants my DH back

@ItCouldHappenToYouToo honestly, being with someone who I wasn’t his type was a really demoralising experience and had a long term impact on my self esteem. If you have no children together I would seriously consider leaving. I didn’t think I was anyone’s type after that relationship and I felt like shit. I thought all men just want a blonde with big boobs - a lot of them do, but not all of them. Being in a relationship with someone who genuinely does find me attractive and shows consistent attraction to women who look like me is really nice and has massively improved my self esteem. I think my improved self esteem has had knock on effects and made my life better. It’s not all from external validation from my husband, and ideally self esteem should come from within but a little external validation really helps.

Genuinely does not bother me. Ill openly drool over tom hardy and tell him ill divorce him and marry tom if I could.

He married me (husband, not Tom). He loves me, but just because we are married doesn't mean we aren't going to find other people attractive.

I presume there must be any number of actresses my DH finds attractive, just as there are many actors I do. But neither of us has ever said aloud " cor I fancy him/her" mostly because they are people we don't and won't ever know playing fictional characters. Unreal people, forever somewhere else

So he has never tried to make me jealous in that silly manner and I have never felt jealous for such a daft thing

Maybe there's something else undermining your confidence - and maybe it isn't accidental!

Your example about thinking someone is attractive and finding them attractive makes absolutely so sense at all. You basically said the exact said thing, but then went on to say one is ok the other isn’t…

How long have you been together? How old are you both? Do you live together? I’m presuming not married as you say partner.

It sounds like the drudgery of a long term relationship. Once you get past those early years of high passion, and especially when you live together, you do lose some of that - but it should be in a good way, like you are secure because you know you both chose each other, and you are each the person the other wants to come home to, who they want to go to bed with. It’s a deeper intimacy than when you were just dating. I think some therapy to work on your self esteem could be useful as it must be exhausting to live either someone that needs constant validation - even if you are trying not to show that you need it. You should trust that to your partner, you’re the most beautiful woman in the room etc - and whilst he can help you feel this way with little actions, he shouldn’t have to constantly be reassuring you.

It’s fine to find other people attractive. I remember my husband laughing at me when we watched an episode of Criminal Minds and Shemar Moore stepped out of a bathroom wearing just a towel and was “glistening” for want of a better word (I’m gonna guess well oiled rather than water) and my jaw just about hit the floor. If he didn’t know before that I fancied him he certainly did then. He goes on and on about certain actresses over the years. I usually just roll my eyes and let him crack on. I’d find it weird if my partner didn’t find others attractive to be honest.

How is your relationship otherwise? Does he do his fair share around the house? Does he treat you well in general? Does he spoil you on special occasions? Etc.

This does seem like an extreme reaction. There's a particular female TV presenter that I call my husband's 'TV wife' as I know he finds her attractive. It's just a joke between us. Likewise, he laughs and rolls his eyes when I suggest watching a Chris Hemsworth movie (it's because he's such a great actor 😆) Of course, you're 100% entitled to your feelings, but I think they're probably a bit unusual.

I wouldn’t like that @ItCouldHappenToYouToo I think it’s basic respect to keep those thoughts to yourself.

As far as compliments go, it’s difficult for men to know what they can safely say to us. Complimenting our looks is evidence that they’re shallow. Not complimenting us leaves us insecure.

If he was just a normal, well intentioned bumbler, it might be sorted with a conversation. But it sounds very manipulative.

Life is too short to waste on people who don’t think we’re wonderful and that they’re bloody lucky to have us. Why are you settling for this?

Oh you admire Chris’ great acting skills too? I thought maybe that was just me.

Could never understand mins who didn’t want to take their kids to see Marvel films if Thor was in them - who wouldn’t want to watch the phenomenal acting prowess? 🤣

He doesn't sound very empathetic. I like to feel safe in relationships. My DH would never say "I fancy X" and neither would I do that to him.

(I can honestly say though that I understand if someone is good looking but I don't "fancy" anyone but my DH.)

The thing is, that's a joke.

I can see that's a joke. The same things can be said and not feel like a joke though.

He's said things about other women in passing that haven't bothered me. I'm trying to think what has been different about it sometimes.

Maybe it's the 'randomness' of it - just a thought/feeling that was so strong it had to be expressed or the enthusiasm.

Maybe I'm just really prudish about these things. A friend once said to me that her husband was planning on marrying me if anything happened to her and laughed. He was there and agreed. I didn't think it was funny. That made me feel really uncomfortable too. I don't see either of them anymore because their boundaries just didn't sit right with me. Maybe it was a joke to them but I didn't like it.

This wouldn't bother me. My DH and I laugh about it.

My poor DH had to watch the entire multiple series of Supernatural with me salivating over Jensen Ackles 😂

And I roll my eyes and laugh every time Kylie Minogue or Rachel Riley make an appearance on TV.

I feel you must be insecure in yourself, or your relationship, to have the thoughts and feelings that you do and you need to address this or you will be dodging watching shows and movies forever which is a it crap isn't it?

It does make sense. I can see my brother is a good looking man but I don't fancy him! I can see my colleague is a good looking woman but I don't fancy her either. I wouldn't say I fancied them just because I think they are good looking people.

He does more than his fair share. The mental load is equally shared. He just does stuff. I never ask.

He doesn't constantly reassure me. The relationship itself is never discussed. We just plod along doing life.

Neither of us make a big deal out of special occasions. I don't do birthdays or anniversaries.

I think that's a really good example.

I don't think there many men in Bridgerton who are not attractive, my DH thinks the same about women in various TV shows. We both vocalise it but he tells me multiple times a day that I'm beautiful etc, even when I don't believe it.

I don't think we've driven through a town before without saying "he's a handsome fella" or "look at her".

The important thing is that's my relationship and I'm happy. Everyone has their boundaries and you just need to acknowledge yours may leave you unhappy

And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

What?!?! This can't be serious 😬