Thank you.
I don't think he does think that. I suspect, like most men, he probably thinks he could do better.
I have spent a lot of time thinking last night and this morning.
I think I have concluded this.
The nice things he does for me, the being an equal and active participant in the house, the being pro active and generally supportive and considerate are his positive qualities. I think those say a lot for him and I think he does those things because of who he is rather than because of who I am or how he feels about me. He'd do those things for anyone.
He doesn't really speak badly of people, looks for the good in everyone and hasn't ever fallen out with anyone. I don't think he is a bad person.
I think he paid me the compliments and said the lovely things to me for the first couple of years because that's what he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to believe I was loved and attractive and desired because that's the right thing to do and maybe because it would make me think more favourably of him.
However, I think the comments he made (whether sober, after a drink or two or without really thinking) about fancying other women, asking me to dress like someone else (to be actually desirable) and his friends sister being sexy amongst other things were actually the truth.
Because it wouldn't make sense that the truth was he loved, fancied and desired me but wanted me to believe he didn't.
A couple of people commented that I hadn't said how I felt about him. I didn't because that wasn't what I was asking about.
But in terms of how I feel. I don't feel emotionally or mentally safe.
It's not a conversation that's been done to death but it has come up a handful of times. There is little point in talking because it always goes the same way.
He'll ask what's wrong.
I'll explain. He'll say nothing. I'll fill in the silences with explanations and tears.
He'll say he didn't say those things, they're not true and he doesn't think them so he wouldn't.
I'll say he did and that he's admitted it previously.
He'll say ok he did say those things but only meant them as a joke. I'll ask him what the joke was? Why it was funny? What the punchline was? Unless the joke was that I believed him. Because I can't see the joke otherwise.
He'll say, well not a joke but a light hearted comment. I'll say that doesn't make any sense either. They weren't light hearted comments and the ones that were made after I'd asked him to stop definitely weren't light hearted. They were intentional.
And how were all the comments he made about qualities he finds attractive in women when none of them apply to me (that I also didn't mention yesterday 🙄) lighthearted or jokes?
He'll ask me why I can't just forget the bad things he's said and focus on the good ones. I'll say I'd rather focus on what's true or not and what that means because his comments contradict themselves.
I didn't include it yesterday but he once told me he'd had a crush on me since we first met. But then later told me he'd never thought about me in that way. I don't care whether he'd had a crush on me since we first met or not but both statements can't be true so he has lied to me.
I've been trying to make it better. I've tried to ignore how I feel about this. But I can't.
I have thought about BauhausOfEliott's comment and i think youre probably right. But it hasn't come out of nowhere. I wasn't looking for problems. I was happy and I believed him. But no I don't want him to compliment me now because it feels disingenuous.
I think if he'd actually just said, I'm sorry. I did say those things because they are true but it doesn't mean I think about them all the time and it doesn't mean I don't love you and fancy you just as much as them. Or tbh you're not really my type but as we got to know each other, you grew on me and now I can't imagine being with anyone else it would have been better. At least it would have been honest.
As it is, I feel that, if I ignore how I'm feeling and accept his affections, compliments and advances, I'm basically saying, I'm an idiot. You can say whatever you want and I'll accept your lies. And I don't.
At best he's been careless with my feelings and at worst he's settled for me and would rather be elsewhere.
I'm in a tricky position at the moment. I've recently been made redundant and have been quite ill with stress symptoms. I can't afford to do anything right now.
But I think I need to find a new job and then give serious consideration to what happens next.
Thank you for the feedback.