How do you feel when watching things with women in your partner fancies?

[ItCouldHappenToYouToo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in AIBU or here because it's a relationship issue but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable! I want other people's experiences and genuine thoughts though and not just nastiness.

I just don't feel comfortable watching TV programmes or films with women in that my partner has said he fancies.

I don't make a big deal about it but I'll say I don't fancy watching that so I'm going to do something different, I have work to do, I want to take a bath or have an early night. I don't sulk or create an atmosphere. I usually just say, "OK, I don't really want to watch this so I'm going to... instead. I'll see you later." Or, "Oh God, i can't stand [completely different actor] 😁. Enjoy, but I'm off to do X instead!" We kiss and I go. Sometimes, I make a cup of tea and bring him one too. So I'm really not making things difficult or awkward. He has no idea.

Sometimes, I've forced myself to stay but it just feels uncomfortable to me.

It's not that I think he's going to run off with them or that they'd be interested in him if they met. It's about him and his thoughts and feelings.

It just feels weird to be watching something if he's thinking about how good she looks, how amazing she is or is thinking about her sexually. I feel like I'm intruding or something. I don't like to speak in case I interrupt his thoughts and I don't really want to disappoint him with the reality. And I don't want to sit there with him holding my hand or cuddling on the sofa. I just feel out of place and like an unnecessary third wheel.

I know some couples joke about this sort of thing but I'm never quite sure whether it's genuine confidence or resignation.

Do you never find male actors attractive?

😂My DH has sat through everything that Tom Hardy has ever been in so I know what you mean. Although I think DH secretly has a bit of a man crush on Tom too 😉

Ok but there you’re assuming because someone says that someone is attractive it must mean you fancy them. That’s not what you said in the puss I quoted. You said I think x, y and z are attractive. I don’t find any of them attractive. What I think you should have said was I don’t fancy any of them. Although to be honest, you are also mixing up good looking and attractive - attractive suggests you are attracted to them, fancy them, whatever. I would never describe a brother or whatever as attractive, but I might say he’s handsome.

You didn’t answer my questions about his long you’ve been together etc, but your other answers lead me to more and more think you need to talk to a therapist about low self esteem as everything else you describe sounds like you have a good man there.

Have you had other relationships that have been as long as this one?

I don't know. He would say he's a well intentioned bumbler and a bit of an idiot who speaks without thinking who loves me more than anything.

He would say he stopped saying those things when I said I didn't like it. It's not strictly true that he stopped straight away but when he did, he also stopped complimenting me.

I used to have a group of friends m/f all single/divorrced/widowed. As the years went by, all of them met new partners and withdrew. The friendship group doesn't exist any more and I don't see any of them anymore. We were friends for nearly 10 years.

I don't have many friends because they are all in close relationships which are their priority.

I don't know.

The relationship itself isn't bad. We haven't had sex for 3 months because I ended up just feeling so bad about myself afterwards, I couldn't do it anymore. And I don't feel attractive but I feel that's just what I've accepted because I don't believe he finds me attractive and don't/wouldn't expect anyone else to be either. But we get on well and enjoy spending time together.

It doesn’t bother me- I find it quite endearing- but maybe that’s because we’re quite old so I’m just thinking ‘Awww, bless him with his little crush on that beautiful woman’ 😂

It works both ways. DH is coming with me to a gig this year. I’m actually slightly obsessed with the lead singer and DH knows this. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ah sorry, now I’ve read your follow-up posts, I see there is a big problem with your self-esteem and that your DH doesn’t help with this by being insensitive and not giving you compliments. 😕

You've never found a man on the TV / in a film to be good looking??? Never?!

Daniel Craig, Brad Pitt, Idris Elba, Javier Bardem, Tom Hardy, Jason Momoa...?!

He said a few times that he didn't want to compliment me on my appearance because that was like saying congratulations on your face and it wasn't really important
I suppose he’s sort of got the right idea with this, but he’s also getting it wrong at the same time. It would be objectifying if he only ever complimented you on your appearance and ignored the other, more important things that make you attractive to him…but he could compliment you on your achievements/skills/qualities AND let you know he finds you physically attractive too!

he just told me that he really fancied Amy Pond from Dr Who because she was gorgeous, sexy and really pretty etc. I asked him why he thought I'd want to know and he said he didn't know, but there was nothing wrong with fancying (other) women
Was he already aware that you don’t want to know who he fancies when he decided to blurt this out for no reason at all?
Of course there’s nothing wrong with having a crush on a celebrity. There’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to hear about who your partner considers “sexy” or “gorgeous”. If he knows it upsets you, and he’s still making an active choice to say things like this to you, he’s actively choosing to upset you. I’d be asking him why that’s something he wants to do, when it would be so easy for him to just stfu and keep his thoughts to himself.

Yep was just going to say the same. I hadn't read the extent of the OPs posts and yep, this is far deeper than him fancying some women on the TV.

The reason so many of us will comment that we're fine with it isn't because we're lying, it's because our partners / husbands make us feel sexy, attractive, loved etc and so we feel secure in our relationship. Therefore Penelope Cruz or Margot Robbie in their bra and knickers in a film isn't going to make us feel worthless and invisible. We appreciate it's just a bit of eye candy and that's about the extent of it.

We've been together for 4 and a half years.

No. It's the longest relationship I've had. In the past, I'd have ended this relationship when these comments were first made but that's one reason why my relationships have always been so short.

I decided this time that I needed to give it more of a chance and not be so quick to end it.

I just really wanted to believe that I could be found attractive and loved. I've dated men who found me attractive but not loved me, I've dated men who (it turned out) didn't find me attractive or love me and, in this man, I thought I'd finally found someone who loved me and found me attractive. It was just really hard to face up to the fact that he didn't. I feel stupid and small tbh.

When did these self esteem issues start op? Have you always had them and it’s gotten worse, or is this a new development? As you haven’t said how old you are, this might he totally off-base, but could you be peri-menopausal? Hormone changes can increase anxiety, that coupled with a ticking biological clock, looking in the mirror and seeing an older woman looking back could definitely explain why you are feeling this way. Especially if he hasn’t really changed.

Ok so basically you’ve never gotten past the infatuation stage. Relationships change and of course at nearly 5 years in he isn’t going to be dropping the compliments like he did at the start - that would be exhausting for you both. He’s with you because he loves you. He finds you attractive. You need to deal with your insecurities over this or you risk losing him. I really don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Yes, it would be nice if he were to compliment you more - but this would just push the can down the road. You say he’s suggested different clothes, could this be because he sees how insecure you are feeling and thinks it will make you feel sexy if you dress that way? He’s not saying he doesn’t find you sexy, I bet he’s doing it for you. He sounds like a good man from everything else you’ve described.

Do you suffer either way anxiety in any other areas of life?

I think you need therapy, OP. Yes, he was an idiot for announcing that he fancies random celebrities, but he really isn't responsible for your lack of self-esteem.

We haven't had sex for 3 months because I ended up just feeling so bad about myself afterwards, I couldn't do it anymore. And I don't feel attractive but I feel that's just what I've accepted because I don't believe he finds me attractive and don't/wouldn't expect anyone else to be either.

He's initiating sex because he finds you attractive, but you won't have sex with him because you think he doesn't. He can't win, really, can he?

Do you fancy him? Because to be honest, you sound like you don't.

Are you rejecting him in bed because you want him to feel as bad about himself as you feel about yourself?

OK, this definitely convinces me that you need to get some serious help with your anxiety and self-esteem. This is a really unhealthy attachment style.

I don’t understand why you don’t think he ever found you attractive. Why would he have even bothered to date you if he didn’t?

If this is how you feel in every relationship it suggests you need to work on you. It’s ok to want to be shown you are loved/found attractive etc but neediness is a relationship killer because nothings ever enough - and the level of reassurance you need just isn’t sustainable long term. No-one will ever live up to your expectations.

I find it a mild turn on I’m afraid

Partly because it’s people like Kate Bush aged 18 - it’s not that he lusts after 18 year olds in general, he’s just recalling his youth. He goes all starry eyed, it’s quite sweet.

Or there’s Hannah Fry. She is a joint crush between us both and I am more likely to shag him after watching her on HIGNFY.

Id be more worried about whether you actually fancy him?

But tbh it sounds as if some couples therapy might be a good idea.

Honestly? No. None of them.

I thought Sayid in Lost looked good but I didn't fancy him. It was a passing thought occasionally when watching it but I wouldn't have thought about him for long enough outside of that to even remember he existed. I certainly wouldn't have gone out of my way to tell someone I was dating that I fancied him because I didn't.

I'd struggle to think of anyone in the last 15 years I'd thought was particularly good looking.

Oh, I went to see Billy Idol a couple of years ago and thought he still had a certain appeal. But not enough to tell my partner or anyone else about it. And I haven't thought about it again since then until now.

Pete Murphy (Bauhaus) was a good looking man but again I didn't fancy him.

I've fancied men I was going out with or wanted to go out with but not faces/bodies on a screen, no.

I think you really need to work on your self esteem. Just because hour husband finds a few actresses pretty, doesn't mean he doesn't find you beautiful. If he thought you were hideous then he wouldn't be with you would he? Everyone has celebrities they find attractive, it doesn't mean anything other than finding a person attractive to look at. I honestly think your confidence needs a big boost because this level of insecurity isn't normal. Talk to your husband and I bet he tells you he still thinks you're as beautiful now as the day you met

Well to be honest there really isn't much difference in "fancying" someone and / or finding them attractive. You can't really feel much but a physical attraction to a celebrity as you don't know them so you're literally just judging them on the way they look.

So the way you feel about these blokes is probably the same way your DP feels about whichever females he admits to fancying.

I can't remember when in the time line he said it, tbh.

But he did tell me that he thought his friend's sister (same age as me) was 'sexy' after I'd spoken to him about it. I was stunned at the time and said nothing. When I did ask him about it. He said he didn't think she was pretty but is sexy. I asked him what he meant but he back pedalled and said he hadn't meant it because it wasn't true.

That was a couple of years ago and he's not said anything about anyone since but he also doesn't say anything about me either. He doesn't even tell me I look nice anymore. Which is fine because I don't want to hear it, really.

I'm with a lot of the other pp here.

He sounds perfectly normal in that he fancies you and finds you attractive, and also fancies other people and finds them attractive. And there sounds like there's no suspicion that he's acting on any desire with anyone else, or flirting out of line, or anything actually problematic.

You sound like you have very low self esteem and self confidence, so him finding someone else attractive, instead of being additive (you AND them), you can only make sense of as subtractive (them AND NOT you).

Nowhere have you indicated that it was more than the odd passing comment, which he stopped when told and then reminded that you didn't like it. You're just giving it way too much weight and importance. And I would suspect he needed reminding purely because it was a non issue to him.

You've said you know he loves you more than anything. His behaviour says he also finds you attractive. Your intrusive thoughts tell you a bunch of lies that this can't be true, and you have said that you have had this issue and history throughout your life and previous relationships - so it's a you issue not a him issue.

I don't fancy people based on appearance. I have to get to know them, so I have never had the experience of looking at someone on the street or screen and thinking "phwoar" or anything similar. But if you're like me, we're in the minority. And there's nothing wrong with those who do experience it, and it's no slight or detraction on you.

People are different. Different isn't wrong. You keep saying you never fancied anyone "enough to tell my partner about it", but that's not a universal value at all. To many many people it's just idle meaningless passing chitchat. I have never thought anything of it when partners say that, it's about as significant as saying "I really fancy an iced bun/new pair of shoes/trip to the cinema" - I don't feel threatened by them "fancying" those things, and to me, what you're discussing is literally the same level.

Please do consider seeing someone professional to look at this level of insecurity/low self esteem. And maybe, if he really is a good guy, say something (gently, without accusation, and seeking support rather than blaming him) to ask for a bit more reassurance and for him to compliment you on your appearance, if that would be meaningful to you.

Is one of the defining features of many, many actresses that they are pretty much objectively attractive. You must spend your time paranoid watching any Hollywood movie because what happens if he actually likes the actress and you just don’t realise. It must be so draining feeling uncomfortable that often.

My DH fancies Helena Bonham Carter and I fancy Mark Harmon, of course we know it’s a fantasy and we both take the piss out of each other for it but we’ll happily watch a programme with them in it. IMO it would be weird not to. It’s not reality.

I think that's how I felt at the start.

I also used to walk round naked/in my underwear because I thought it didn't matter that I wasn't perfect because he found me attractive. I felt safe and I felt happy. I felt loved.

But I get undressed in a different room now. I don't know the last time he saw me walking around naked. The thought of it makes me feel sick with shame. There's no way I'll ever do that again.

If your interpretation is true then there's zero point discussing it with your OH 😂
When I notice someone is good looking, there's nothing more to it, no more headspace is given beyond that acknowledgement.