Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

The day won’t be about him.

just let him come as your mum’s plus one, don’t see the issue. It won’t affect your day but will probably make your mums.

Could it be that she doesn't want to attend your wedding on her own?

I get how you feel, it's a special day with family and close friends.

I don’t know but if she is feeling this way she should speak to me about it and not take this approach. My dad’s family live abroad so all my guests are my mums family so I don’t think so

U made a compromise. The venue said no. This should be enough. Your mum is acting like a petulant child. I would be very nervous about her ruining ur day somehow, weather deliberate or not. I completely agree with u, 3 months is nothing. At very most an evening invite would suffice but as you can’t, too bad. She should respect that and get over it. However the way she sounds, I would prepare myself for either her ruining ur day crying all day as she is missing her new man ,or getting rat arsed and slating you for your decision. I would make a plan for someone to step in and when she starts her shit. She is behaving like a child.

Is your Dad in the picture? Is he bringing anyone?

tbh I would just let her bring her boyfriend. Does it really matter?!

Is this your mums first (or one of her first relationships after a very long term one has ended?
Has she shown immaturity like this around relationships before?
Is she showing any signs of this man putting pressure on her to attend? Him controlling her?

I’m sorry, that’s really poor behaviour on her part.
How much time have you spent with him, because I would start to worry about controlling behaviour, wonder whether he is quietly pressuring her about it.

Is she usually joined at the him/obsessed with boyfriends?

Maybe your a better person that me but she can’t act like this and then get her own way…

I’d let him come he will be company for her and she probably wants him share in her enjoyment of your day and doesn’t want to feel on her own like a single woman

I have never met him.
since she’s been with him, we hardly see her even my child who is 7 comments on this. But appears to be her decision

Oh I’m fully aware that parental relationships can be toxic - my own Mum was an alcoholic and had schizophrenia, we had a very fractured relationship but you’re saying your Mum is important to you, she’s a big part of the wedding, so surely none of this is worth this much stress? Just let him come and be happy about it and move on. Enjoy the day.

It's tricky and I see your pov OP.
BIL pulled this stunt and we invited her only for him to push her into all the photos with a big scene when DH asked for one just one with just his immediate family. They spilt very acrimoniously 2 months later and all our wedding photos of their side of the family and big groups were binned by PIL.
I can't understand the selfishness and would be hurt too OP, if you do invite him be very clear re seating arrangements/photos etc
I hope you have a wonderful day

but I feel my mum is wrong for making this a big deal. After how shes acted and spoken to me I don’t think it is fair

Yes dad is in picture. He is bringing his wife of 26 years.

I suspect this has a lot to do with it. She doesn’t want to be seen as single when your Dad has moved onto a long, successful marriage.

You may be right but she is projecting her own insecurities onto me and causing problem between us. We have always had an amazing relationship and despite her own feelings I don’t think it is fair in the lead up to the day

Why cant she bring him?

if dad is bringing his wife
let your mum bring her partner.

Mum has her new chapter too, and If all of the family is there, exh etc , she probably wants her new partner with her

it is understandable. Not her behaviour.
but I get it, my parents are the same.
sometimes you just have to let it go and go with the flow.

its your day.
congratulations

Mother shouldn't have spoken to you like that but I'd let her bring the boyfriend. She probably feels vulnerable without a partner. Weddings can be really stressful.

If you’ve always had an amazing relationship, why can you not just let your mum bring this guy as her plus one? Your father is going to be there with his wife of 26 years and your mother may feel at a disadvantage. Do you have a reason to dislike this man or believe he’s bad? Does he seem to be bringing your mum joy or sadness? FWIW my mum got re-married within 6 months of meeting her second husband and they had a very successful and loving second marriage. They were in their mid/late 50s when they met and had previously had long marriages (they were already divorced when they met) so they reckoned (correctly) that they knew what they were doing. So this guy may be important.

If the wedding is not until the summer, your mother has given plenty of notice.

I have never met him. I don’t know him. He is a complete stranger.

your point should be, if you’ve always had an amazing relationship, why can’t your mum just follow your wishes for one day….

But my dad wife I known since I was 4.
my mum has known him 3 months, I have never met him. You can’t compare

He will be her guest. Many people get invites with a plus 1 or partner that the couple have never met.

Because I don’t know him. I have never met him and she has only known himself for 3 months. Invites have been sent and places are allocated… it’s really simple.