Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

My friend is divorced. Her dd is getting married in August. She has no partner . Her dd said Mom there is a plus one there for you for the wedding; totally up to you. She probably won't bring anyone but she has the freedom to. I think you are being mean to your mom from the outset. Its not easy being on your own at a wedding. You have made it into a big issue and now can't back down. Even if the guy comes now the good is gone our of it and by the Summer he may be well off the scene but that wouldn't be to do with you.
Your first reaction should have been..sure Mom whatever you want. Mothers are human too!

I’d just let him come if they are still together that’ll be 9 months of being a couple, he could meet your mum after the ceremony for the reception.

“Some sense” just because they agree with you ….

No way would I feel comfortable inviting a total stranger to one of the most important days of my life. If she is still with him by Xmas ye can do a family lunch before Xmas.

I am going to go against the grain here because I think this is madness. Your mum was single and everything was arranged before she met him so presumably she was fine with being a huge part of your wedding as a singleton to begin with.

All of a sudden your mum has met a new man, disrespected your wishes five times over a man she’s known five minutes. Has had an almighty tantrum, is emotionally manipulating you by implying she doesn’t know if she can now come to her own daughters wedding because of “her happiness”. All for a man who can’t even be bothered to show up to meet you and your mum expects you to pay for this stranger who’s existence is causing so much friction, to be at your wedding? I would imagine there are probably lots of other people you’d rather invite than him that you’ve had to not have. Your mum’s not exactly going to be on her own if it’s her own family there too. It’s a shame they’ve not met sooner or that he can’t be bothered to put in the effort to have met you sooner but neither of these things give her the grounds to behave like this. I wouldn’t personally back down from this. Call me heartless if you wish but my mother would never be so selfish.

You tried to compromise by having him at the evening but that’s not possible. She’s making what’s meant to be the happiest day of your life about her, being spiteful and you’re the one that’s rigid and unreasonable?! Nah absolutely fuck that. For all the “oh but she’s your mother” comments, same can be said for you, you’re her daughter and your day is about you. You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want at your wedding for any reason.

No self respecting adult would want to come between a mother and daughter, especially on her wedding day. He can’t be that into your mum if he can’t be bothered to make the effort to meet her daughter but expects to be on your wedding list! Unbelievable cheek from the pair of them.

after 1 week of her knowing him I said no but I said he could come as a evening guest.

But you didn't:

She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.
between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise.

You immediately said no, which is a bit odd for a wedding that would be 9 months down the line, why not say straight away that you'd have to leave it till nearer the time? Why did you have to have 4 arguments about it before you conceded and make her keep asking you.

You immediately dismissing it is what has caused all the arguments and it says quite a lot about how you see your mum to be honest, that she is there for you and you alone, her own enjoyment of the day is secondary to that.

Also, the evening guest thing is a complete fob off, you could have easily added him as a guest for the day, and TOLD them he was allowed to come to the evening part only.

It's fine for you to say you don't want him there, but it's a very harsh stance IMO.

I had to go back and reread the opening post. @Bubseybooba mother asked for him to be included having known him for one week! When she was told no she had a big argument. She has been hostile from the start.
Her attitude from the begining was selfish and totally unreaonable. I would presume she has continued in this vein since. Huge difference between her with her new man one week while her Dad has been married for 26 years.

Would you feel differently if you had had the opportunity to meet him?

I mean someone as important as my mum would have a plus one. It wouldn’t really be a question.

I think it’s odd that you won’t accommodate him. I get that you don’t know him. But it’s not unusual for a wedding invite to allow for a plus one, and that person often won’t know the couple. I have been to a wedding before when I didn’t know the couple.

I also wonder how many singles you have in your close family. If your mum has got plenty of aunts, cousins, etc to hang out with, then that’s one thing. But if she would be one of the only singles surrounded by couples, well that’s a bit harsh.

Chances are she might not be still with him in the summer anyway. The relationship is very very new. Frame it to her that as you would have to,pay for him to come, then you’d rather wait til nearer the time because you don’t want to be left with losing money. I would though be really disappointed with her that she’s putting a relationship of three months above the relationship she has with you.

But what about the seating plan? OPs mum will be at the top table. Surely you wouldn’t suggest he sits at the top table too? Which means he’d have to sit with strangers by himself. But I would imagine the mum would then kick off about that.

I can understand why you’re so upset, OP. Your mam is effectively saying her new man, of a whole 3 months, is more important than you.

Im surprised that so many responses are critical of you. Usually, MN is very much of the ‘your wedding, your rules’ attitude.

I would be livid if my mum pulled a diva stunt like this and I sure as hell wouldn’t like my mum bringing some random guy that she’s only known for a few months who I’ve never met before and who I have no idea will or will not still be in the picture by the time the photographs are developed along to my wedding. Also, surely the Mother of the Bride doesn’t need to bring a buddy to keep her company at her own daughter’s wedding? Won’t she have lots of family and family friends to hang out with? Before making any absolute line in the sand decisions, I would probably scream a lot in my head then try to arrange an in-person casual catch up with her at a neutral location to find out what’s really going on in her head and her life for her to be acting like this. Good luck xx

I'm really not sure what's going on with this thread @Bubseybooba , with so many posters saying 'don't be mean, let him come' etc. Your mum was an absolute twat to ask you if he can come to the wedding after knowing him for a week. It's ridiculous and has red flags all over it, as does her subsequent behaviour. I think you have 2 options really. One is to suck it up and invite him. There is no guarantee at all that this will be all peace and harmony. The other is to hold firm and say he's not coming and your mum needs to put up and shut up or not come to the wedding/relinquish her role and come just as a guest. She sounds really fixated and I suspect there will be drama whatever happens. I don't envy you at all. Your mum seems to have lost all perspective that this is your wedding day and not about her.

I think it depends on what your relationship with your mum has been up to this point. I mean if it’s a loving relationship where you both genuinely care about each other and have an adult to adult relationship, that’s very different from if things have always been difficult between you and you feel your mum is always selfish and makes things about her. If it’s the second thing then it’s understandable why you might say an immediate no.
But if you and your mum love each other and normally get along well, then perhaps it’s that you are in bridal mode and wanting her to be there for you only, because she’s your mum and it’s your big day and you don’t want her having any needs, because it’s your wedding day and should be all about you, and how she feels should be secondary because she’s the mum and you’re the daughter and the bride… but actually don’t you also want her to be relaxed and happy on your big day? Wouldn’t that actually make your day better as well? Wouldn’t it feel better in the run up to your wedding, if you were getting along? Couldn’t you just say look mum I said no because that was my knee jerk reaction because I’ve never even met this man! But actually let me get to know him in the next few months and then I’m sure I’ll feel differently about it. You might feel better if you adopt a really adult and generous attitude, imagine how lovely it will be for your mum to have someone to proudly talk about the day afterwards with, how wonderful her daughter is, what a fantastic wedding etc. Because you’ll be off with your husband, your dad will have his wife to enjoy the rehash of the day with. If this chap is still with your mum by then, then it will be nice for her to have him there. And maybe you will actually enjoy it even more if you are the (mature) one who has stopped this being a bone of contention?

I hear you op... you're really upset about the treatment from your mum.
Sounds like something isn't going right for her to behave this way.
She's spoiling your fairytale wedding.

I don't blame you for digging your heels in and wanting an apology... but i feel there would be less stress for you to just let things be.... as you grow older and wiser you'll probably look back and wish you'd just gone for the easy life.

Let mum bring her new bf, they might be together for many years to come.

I would try and meet with her on neutral ground and have a chat about things... keep calm.

Hope it all works out for you

Some of these responses are wild.
this is OPs big day! Her wedding! The day is about her and her future spouse celebrating love with the people closest to them. It’s not about her mum. Her mum should want to make her daughter’s day special and about her daughter not about herself. I’m sorry but your mum is being selfish. She’s not thinking about you she’s thinking of herself. Do what feels best for you op x

I totally understand your concerns.
i wouldn’t want a man I had never met on the top table or being inserted into pictures.
However you don’t want this to screw your relationship with your mum.
This is what I would do.
Add him as a guest, an all day one. Pay for him to attend.
Tell your mum you have spoken to the venue and as it’s only one person they will allow him to attend the evening do ( so let’s say he arrives at 7pm after wedding, speeches, meal, cake, pictures etc.
Tell her he can come @ 7pm ( or whatever time fits in with your schedule).
When you arrive , 30 min before meal tell a member of staff mr xxxxxx on table 8 won’t be there for meal as he is running late so please adjust table setting accordingly.
Bingo - mum happy, you dont feel like new boyfriend is there at the really ‘family’ times , mum gains a bit of support when facing ex husband,
Yes it costs you the cost of his meal but that’s a small price to pay,
Plus, with 80 guests to speak to it’s not like you have to spend any meaningful time with him.
Have a lovely day.

Oh and I can’t believe all of the ‘just ask him to come’ posters.
Where are the usual up in arms mumsnetters who say ‘It’s THEIR DAY and they can ask/not ask whoever they want’ when people say their kids are not allowed to go to a wedding??
This is @Bubseybooba day and surely she is allowed to say ‘No’ to a grown arsed adult who she has never met!!

Well said 👏👏👏

Ok, OP. You have concluded your mum is out of order and you are the calm and rational one. Then start organising to find someone else to take your mum’s place as it sounds as though your initial plans are in disarray.

I’m assuming it’s a package wedding with a max number of guests? I wouldn’t want a stranger at my wedding either regardless of their relationship to a family member.

OP - I think you've had some pretty strange reactions from people here. It is crazy for a mother to be reacting this way about a guy she has just met when it comes to her own daughter's wedding day. In her position I probably wouldn't want a new partner with me to distract my attention from such a special day. I've also never known random plus ones to be invited to an 80 person intimate wedding. Obviously it is also incredibly hurtful to you to have your mother prioritising this nascent relationship over your big day.

Saying all that, the piece that i think is hard to get a feel for is how vulnerable / embarassed she feels being single in front of your father and her family at such a public event. Only you know whether this is what is driving her behaviour - but if so it makes it no less selfish, but maybe makes it more understandable on a human level. Saying that, the other alternative driver could be that this relationship is toxic/unhealthy in some way and that's what's driving her crazy behaviour - in that case you clearly shouldn't want him at your wedding. Maybe give it some time and then sit down and try to understand it with her if she is someone with the emotional intelligence to understand what is driving her.

Wow this wouldn't have been a problem for me not sure why your making it one it's hardly like she wants to bring a bus load of people with her. You chose not to see him in 3 months plus you have all the time till summer to see him should you wish to..there's far worse things to argue about than your mum wanting to take her man regardless of how long she has known him! You sound the spikey one tbh and I suspect it's for a very different reason so stop being awkward and enjoy the day. It's company for your mum you will be engrossed in your own stuff anyhow