Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Have people actually read your post?
He’s your mum’s new boyfriend, he isn’t a partner after that short a time. It’s not like you haven’t invited your mums partner of 3/10/20 years, that would be different & unkind. Your mum is being selfish & petty. No way in hell would I invite anyone’s boyfriend/girlfriend of 3months to my wedding who I’ve never met.

Well maybe you should be asking her that question????

Honestly, it sounds like you are in danger of ruining your own wedding day with your immature attitude.You want your mum there enjoying the day so make an effort to meet your mum’s boyfriend, get to know him and include him. You will be busy with all your other guests anyway and the focus will be on you so you’ll probably hardly notice him. I couldn’t imagine telling my parent they couldn’t have their new bloke with them on such an important day for them. As for mums and daughters snapping and arguing, so what? You’ll get past that, just forgive one another and move on otherwise you are going to both regret it.

I'm sorry I have only read your comments not the FT. However is there a trusted aunt / uncle/ other relation who can have a word with your Mum and find out what's really going on, because frankly her reaction just seems over the top. Does she feel any financial contribution gives her invitation 'rights' ?

You have your full compliment of guests invited, the venue have said no to an evening guest, and even if those positions were in her favour - would the argument then sift to sitting arrangments ? Where would he sit ? Hell and high water wouldn't force me to let anyone I've not met sit at the top table. If most of your guests are from your Mum's side it's not as if she won't know anyone?

I think it's a fair point that you should have met people who you invite to your wedding; why hasn't your Mum arranged for you all to meet ?

I'm sorry but I'm going to suggest your plan for the worst and hope for the best - think about walking down the aisle solo, with your fiance, whatever. Get bridesmaids, godmother to be on stand by for the dress prep. Approach a relative to have a chat through, to try and mediate

The only think I disagree with you on - you can't insist someone feel happy. People's emotions are theirs to feel. And likewise - your emotions are also yours to feel. I've heard of situations where long standing step parents are excluded from weddings and I think that's very sad (all things being equal). However a 3 month fling isn't in that territory, heavens the first argument was after a week. I'd have more sympathy if she wanted to bring Mrs Smith from number 42 as she looked after you for an evening back in 2002.

Does your mum have a history of being pushy and self absorbed? Or does she generally pick pushy self absorbed boyfriends who will harass her to get what they want?

Well, whatever is happening of course her new boyfriend can't come if you have decided that. No just means no, always, when it comes to wedding invites .

"She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this."

And you are right, at this point if she gets her way you are rewarding her for being abusive to you.

Do you have a backup plan for if she keeps behaving like a nasty, spoiled brat?

Since she's not going to behave herself, and you cannot force her to behave herself, you should have a backup plan.

But just be aware that you can tell her "No" and she can also tell you "No", that's how it works. It's a shame she's chosen to behave so badly, you cannot change that, but you may have to accept she just won't be there, rather than have her ruin your day.

And as a previous commenter said, you cannot force her to feel anything. Obviously, she should be happy for you - but if she's not and she continues to be a brat, you will have to accept that and work with that reality.

I'd park the whole thing. Tell mum you haven't met him and until you do you're not making any decisions. Maybe he thinks like you that your mum's being too pushy.

Of course she should be allowed a plus one. Very standard practice for a wedding. You're being rude, unreasonable and a bad host. Also weirdly controlling.

Lol. Nope. Mum doesn't get to be shagging a man for a whole week then demand an invite to a wedding. That is not, at all, how it works 😅

I'm sure if she had suggested a plus one who wasn't a random shagger she'd met a week ago, when the original conversation took place, OP would have been delighted to say yes.

Now mum has screamed abuse at her daughter because a man she's been fucking a few weeks is not invited to her daughter's incredibly special day.

So, no, mum is being rude, unreasonable and weirdly self obsessed.

You want you Mum to walk you down the aisle; be in photos and help you get dressed.
Invite her male friend; he will not be involved in those things.

Insist on going out for a meal with them both before the big day. You need to meet the fellow so that your wedding day is just about your wedding. Invite some relatives or friends out for tea too - ones who could obviously socialise with Mum's boyfriend while she is busy with you at the wedding.

On the wedding day, asign some of the friends (a couple or one chap) to look after Mum's boy friend. Seat him with them in the church. Then your Mum is free to focus on you but also have a fun time with her boyfriend.

She is your mother so should be afforded a plus one.

This. I’m actually surprised that people think the OP should invite a stranger who she’s never met to her wedding. MN is a strange place sometimes.

But you also made it a big deal. I can't see why you wouldn't have invited him in the first place, he's obviously important to her

Most people have strangers they've never met at their weddings. That's what plus ones are

Do you even know if the boyfriend wants to come?
He has avoided meeting you 3 times.
I would say to your mum it seems like he is not even interested in meeting up why would he want to come to the wedding?
Perhaps as a compromise ask your mum to arrange another meeting. If he doesn’t turn up again then you are well within your rights to say no he can’t be invited.

I am surprised you didn't give your own mum a plus one invite in the first place. Your mum deserves to have fun too doesn't she?

So what if she's in the wrong? Why is it such a big deal if she brings him as her plus one? Why can't you just let her? It comes across like you feel you're in some tug of war with this man for your mum's attention.

That sounds a bit concerning. If you had met him and liked him, would you feel differently about him attending the wedding?

You mentioned that you have known your dad's wife since you were four. Did your dad have an affair? Was she the reason why your parents split up? If so, I can see why your mum would be upset that you are fine with his wife attending but not her new boyfriend, although she is being very unreasonable and childish about it.

What are the seating arrangements for you and your husband and your immediate family members? If he did come, would he end up sitting on his own at a table where he doesn't know anybody?

By the time your wedding happens, your mum will have known this man a few months more than three, long enough to know whether or not it is a serious, committed relationship.

Why don't you make arrangements to meet him? That would be something.

people saying just invite him don’t understand that I feel let down by mum and she isn’t supporting like a mother should.
I get 100% what you're feeling. I don't think he should be there either. You've never met him and he'll be in the photos. Just No!

Your Mum is being ridiculous.
Does she have form for “new men”?
My Mum tried to do exactly the same thing and I absolutely refused. She accepted my decision and brought a friend with her, who I did know, instead.
Given the way she has spoken to you, you have been gracious offering an evening invite- I didn’t.
YANBU
Have a wonderful day x

@Bubseybooba , that's a bit rude to people who have responded to your thread with a different perspective.

Would you rather no one responded?
Or do you only want people who would only respond with " @Bubseybooba , you are right"?

Wow, she is putting some bloke she met 3 months ago ahead of her own daughter’s feelings and upsetting you on the run up to your wedding. Her behaviour is totally out of order. Take some space from her. I can’t believe she is suggesting she won’t enjoy the day if he is not there. Her own DD getting married and she is more concerned about a bloke she met 3 months ago. I’d be very hurt.

And about the venue saying NO to evening guests.
Surely if you pay for a full guest they can arrive later - how would the venue know that you asked the gentleman to arrive at 7:00 pm.

Just remove his table setting, tell venue that he is coming, but can't arrive until later.
Pay full price for him.

Im afraid you are being the petulant one. It seems you are setting some kind of loyalty test to your mother who is anxious and would like the support of someone else/to keep up appearances in front of t of your df (who cares really).

You will be very preoccupied with your wedding day but you seem to quite childishly want her to be at your disposal physically and emotionally regardless of how she feels. Of course you can’t expect her to be present and happy when you have dictated terms like this. I understand your reticence at the beginning but as time has gone on and you’ve seen how important it is to her I think you are being pretty cruel about it. I blame our ridiculous culture of treating the bride like a spoilt child who can get their way about anything around their wedding and God forbid anyone should cross them or make any requests of their own around their “special day”. This is not particularly aimed at you op but wedding marketing really pushes this narrative and it can create big problems, unreasonable expectations and feeds into the bridezilla thing.

if it were me I would insist on meeting him asap and take it from there. Either way, you might want to be a bit less defensive and more receptive to other people’s views on here.

You’be hit the nail on the head! Thank you for your understanding. I am going to stand firm in my decision. It’s not even about him coming anymore, it’s about my mums behaviour.

I am shocked by these comments. Totally shocked. You have never met this guy, why should you invite him to your wedding. Your mum may split up with him the week after. The fact she is saying she may now not be happy on your wedding day due to a bf of 3 months not being there is shocking and yes, I can totally see why you’re hurt by this. If my DD gets married one day I cannot think for one minute i’d be falling out with her and swearing at her because she wouldn’t invite my new bf. I cannot believe people think this is ok and are saying you’re the selfish one. Seriously, you are not. Her behaviour is out of line.