Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Myself and my husband to be are the only people who get to decide who comes to our wedding. Guests might have requests or preferences but at the end of the day our decision should be respected regardless.
Being firm on this and setting boundaries is allowed.

Im not even going to respond to the comment about my children and how I am as a mum. You are welcome to your own judgment but I know the reality.

Unless a bride is some blushing virgin about to set up home with a man for the very first time, a wedding is only a glorified party/piss up. A performative dress-up fantasy and back to real life a day or a week later. Is it worth breaking a relationship for that?

The MOTHER is breaking the relationship, not the bride..

I think you are mean

You and your Mum are very much alike.

As the boyfriend has avoided meeting you up till now, it might be that he would not be very keen on coming to the wedding anyway perhaps he is not so into your Mum as she is him??

My Mum asked to speak to the kids on the phone and she invited them. Regardless of what is happening between us they do not have to be brought into it.

if we don’t speak permanently I can understand this would be difficult. She could have messaged my partner about it to avoid going through me. She could have sent a voice note to the children if she didn’t want to speak to me.

since meeting her new bf she has let my kids down on a few occasions and they spoke to her about how they was feeling. She promised not to do it again…

I can’t comment on this as I simply don’t know. I presume he would want to come if she is going through all this to have him there.

I think this impasse is something you and your mom will really regret, regardless of who is at fault.
You began your wedding plans really wanting her there. Your memory of this huge event in your life will be tainted if this feud continues.
Outsiders can see both sides are wrong. You are both hurt. Your points are valid. In the end, you are mother and daughter. Try to make contact and forgive and forget? Life is short.

If I’m honest I don’t really understand/agree with your very rigid stubborn stance, although the way she spoke to you is not acceptable.

This is the quote that has been bothering me on this thread. Why did he cancel?

Since she’s met him she has been acting differently, you said even your 7 year old has picked up on it, he hasn’t met you for 3 different reasons! Is he avoiding you? If so why?

Is she someone who could be deemed as a sugar mama, is there something else that he doesn’t want someone close to her alerting her too?

It’s all very odd and if there is something sinister about him, not saying there is but it’s a possibility, your stubborn rigid stance is playing right into his hands leaving her very vulnerable. If he is trouble, your current position leaves your mum very isolated.

Take the wedding out of the equation, are you getting good vibes about this relationship? If not, why not and do you want to leave your mum alone to deal with it?

I’m 51 and been with someone 9 mths. We live together he feels like y husband everyone acts like he is. At 3 mths we were head over heels and moved in at 5 mths. At our age I think you know way sooner. Months are equivalent to years when younger. She also clearly doesn’t want to be there alone. As a woman in your twenties you won’t get that but as a woman in your 50s it would be quite shit to go to a wedding alone she may feel all eyes are on her as the sad singleton. She may feel like a loser. She’s none of those things but I bet that’s the route of it. Stop digging your heels in , look behind her behaviour and have some empathy. Talk to her about what’s really going on. She may not want to tell you so as not to burden you but my guess is this is the route of it. Just invite the guy so she doesn’t feel those things on the day. Be kind to her.

Nope. Still not getting it. Someone who 'loves' you can hurt you this much & 90% of replies are 'forgive her / make the first move.
When hell freezes over would be my response. Sorry OP. Hugs..

I disagree that OP has a rigid stubborn stance. OP has arranged to meet him 3 times and been stood up by him - which doesn't give her a good impression of his character.
She wanted her DM to be fully involved in the wedding walking her down the aisle and be centre stage at the wedding etc.
DM then demanded that someone who she's known for a week, (3 months by the wedding) should also be centre stage with her.

She has already tried to compromise by getting him into the evening part.. but the Venue refused.

The mother's behaviour is out of order and is escalating from swearing, shouting and slamming the phone down, when OP has tried to meet her half way and then punishing OP by inviting the children to something and then ignoring them so it doesn't happen.
It is clear that in involving the children, this disagreement has taken a turn
She is spoiling the run up to OP's wedding with this behaviour.

So many threads on here saying its up to the Couple who they invite.

The DM is causing as much drama as possible. Probably wants the attention to be on her. I don't agree that OP is being unreasonable in not letting her mother walk all over her on her special day. Why should she just give in to the person who shouts the loudest.

OP. I'd get your Dbrother to walk you down the aisle. invite the DM BF to the evening from x time - in writing ( just tell the venue its the whole day - they will assume he's late). He may well not turn up anyway, given past behaviour and you will be in the clear.
Brief the photographer beforehand that whilst a photo of him and DM are OK.. he is not to be in any other photos.
and leave it at that.
You won't need to have much more discussion about it with your DM.. and hopefully it will die down... however, with the way she's behaving she will probably find something else to cause drama about... so I'd steer clear as much as possible in the run up.
My mother caused a drama a week in the run up to mine so I do feel for you.I still can't believe how much extra work, effort, cost and stress was generated de to her many and varied demands.
I hope you can resolve this and whatever happens have a wonderful day.

Why is this bothering you so much? I would invite them both for dinner one evening and then invite him for wedding after that. I think you should given her a plus one anyway even if it was just a friend. I hope you have a great day!

I think you need to communicate you feelings to your mum. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel upset in the slightest, but it’s important to remember that what might be obvious to you is probably not going be obvious to her. She’s likely to have concocted a completely different reason why you’re upset in her head, because she’s seeing everything through the lens of her own concerns.

You clearly care deeply about your mum, so do her the favour of explaining really clearly (and non combatively) what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. You could do this by writing it down, and this gives you the opportunity to review it and make sure there’s nothing you’ve said that comes across as angry or blaming - just a simple statement of facts. That you feel hurt about the way she’s treated you during that phone call, how she’s let the kids down, and that you’re worried for her.

Then the ball is left in her court. She has all the facts, and it’s up to her what to do with them. If she continues to behave in a way you feel is unkind, at least you’ve tried to bridge the gap!

Again it isn't so much about the boyfriend of 3 months and more about your Mum wanting to control things- if it hadn't been this it would have been something else. You need a frank and calm discussion with your mother.

How many men are called Karens?

It's unpleasant