Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

You sound very hurt. I’ve no doubt this is because she doesn’t want to appear single in front of your dad. She shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.

Right now she’s weak and a bit daft. I don’t think you’re in the wrong. But I’d probably give in. People are fallible.

Invites sent and places allocated. We only invited plus 1s if we know them personally. This was established before she even met him

You’re not getting married until the summer. You can meet the guy between now and then. Your mum has behaved childishly but to me your attitude seems a bit harsh.

You can do whatever you like but it would be nice would make an allowance for a close family member who is feeling anxious. The wedding plan is not set in stone. It can be changed and edited.

this is now our 5th arguement on the matter. I am tired of this and it is affecting the run up to my wedding. I am at the point where I am harsh.

It can be, you are correct. But in my opinion, you can’t act like this and then get your own way.

The issue has not been rectified hence the arguments. I couldn't be that rigid. Not sure why you asked for advice if you're not willing to take ot on board.

It appears she snapped at you after the 5th argument of you refusing a reasonable request. It sounds like she's frustrated and worried.

Please put yourself in my shoes

my mum has told me she can’t guarantee she will be completely happy and present on my wedding day because her partner of 3 months isn’t there… I am hurt and disappointed because I thought no matter what my mum would be able to give me that..then to shout, swear and hung up on me.

people saying just invite him don’t understand that I feel let down by mum and she isn’t supporting like a mother should.

My mums boyfriend of 3 months came to my wedding, is only met him a few times but she seemed to really like him and I was happy for her to have someone there for her on the day. They’ve been together for 25 years now but even if they hadn’t I just feel like it’s not something to get worked up about. You both sound as stubborn as each other tbh

@Bubseybooba - your position has been a bit harsh from the outset, it hasn’t become harsh. You’re saying your mother’s feelings shouldn’t matter at all and she should just feel unalloyed joy because it’s your wedding. But your mum is human and a wedding day where you’re with your husband and your father is with his wife of 26 years may bring up mixed feelings for her.

She has no right to snap.. we compromised on him coming to the evening until I asked my venue how much it was for 1 evening guest to be told evening guests aren’t allow on twilight package.

so we did compromise…

Because weddings can be stressful. Family get togethers can be tense even though people are genuinely happy for you. Esp when you have to spend the day in the vicinity of your ex-husband and his wife. I feel for your mother and couldnt imagine being that stubborn towards someone who is genuinely that anxious.

Anyway Op, I'm off but I hope you all have a great day.

Actually we compromised on him coming to the evening until I asked my venue how much it was for 1 evening guest to be told evening guests aren’t allow on twilight package.

so I did compromise with her so I definitely wasn’t harsh from the start.

she is the one who sore and hung up on me but I am the harsh one??? I have never raised my voice to my mum even in an argument.

You sound like you’re being a bit unreasonable to me if I’m honest.
if your mum wants him to come but you say you haven’t met him then tell her you want to meet him first, make the effort. She’s in a new chapter of her life too.
its been 3 months now so a reasonable request i think.

I think you’re being a bit mean OP. Yes she was very rude, and needs to apologise. But you’re doubling down just to be stubborn so she knows she can’t get her own way? As punishment? Consider that it’s perhaps a bit of an overreaction.
unless there’s a backstory that she’s a narc, I’d probably let this one go for the sake of good relations. And maybe you’ve got time to get to know him before the day - he might even be a nice guy?

Just let him come. You’re both getting so entrenched on this! Just don’t have him in all the family photos as if they do break up that would be weird.

I think you should let your mums boyfriend come. You have plenty of time to meet him between now and the wedding.

I can see her point of view in that your dad has his plus one (his wife) and she can’t. I don’t think it matters how long they have been together and how well you know them. At my wedding people brought plus ones that neither myself or my husband knew. Your mum probably feels like she is being punished and she will feel conscious with no one to dance with while your dad has his wife.

I totally get where you are coming from OP.
I would not do this to my daughter. It is your day and you should be able to enjoy it as you want. To have to meet your mothers partner on your wedding day would be awkward and sounds like you have only invited people you know well.
I could never imagine speaking / swearing at my daughter like your mum has.
Surely she can pull herself together and focus on your happiness not on how she’s not sure she can guarantee being present and happy for you, good grief!!
She also will have her family there so it’s not like she’ll have no one to talk to.
All the best on your wedding day and please try to not let her behaviour spoil your day.

I am not being mean at all.
I compromised and offered him to come to the evening of the wedding but when I asked my venue for the price I found out we was not allowed evenings guests as we are having a twilight wedding. So I did compromise

when we found out he couldn’t just come to the evening my mum asked if he can come to the day. We have 80 guests and all invites have been sent out already.

my mum is walking me down the aisle, she is helping me get dressed, sitting in the front row of the ceremony ect. She is a big part of the day and I don’t see how he would fit into it as i wouldn’t want him in the front row, pictures ect this is why the evening was an ideal compromise as the legal serious bit was done.

I think it's too soon in there relationship for a MOB partner to attend. Even without limited numbers and the faff of amendments to plans it could just prove to be messy. Especially given how attached she already seems, if it ends he is still going to be in the photos and it could be a day your Mum looks back on with sadness as the memory is tainted with him.

My mum would be the same and I would let her have a plus one as she would be so embarrass to be single if my dad had a partner (which he does) it really matters to her she’s not alone on the day.

You’re being selfish . Sorry OP x

Do you want all her attention on you and you think she'll be too busy having fun with her new partner if he's there?

Finally someone with some sense! Thank you for your kind words and understanding x