Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

There has been no contact on either side since the phone call over a week ago now.

At the start of the conversation before it got onto the topic of the wedding, my mum asked to speak to my kids and invited them for a sleep over this weekend ( should of been yesterday until Sunday)

I thought I would have heard from her about this but we never did. I know some people will say I could of reached out to her and I did consider it for the sake of my children but the fact she hasn’t reached out shows me she didn’t intend to have them.

I also feel like she don’t regret swearing at me and hanging up on me or she would have reached out.

the last couple of months there’s been a few situations where she’s arranged something with my children and cancelled ( completely out of character) and I told her how it affected the kids so I’m even more upset that she let them down again.

I told them she is poorly so none the wiser but I just feel like it’s only going to get worse between us 😔

OP, I asked you before how long you were prepared to let this go on.

I feel your mum will keep this up, but she has the distraction of her new bf and isn’t thinking of you and your hurt very much, if at all. She will be arguing that you are hurting her.
On the other hand, you will be worrying about it, wishing and hoping she would suddenly act as you want her to act, - all during the next few months right up to the wedding and on the day itself. that’s a lot of grief gnawing away at what should be a really happy time.

This has happened OP. The damage is done to you (and your children) already. You have to positively decide what outcome you want, and then follow up with action, if you want to put an end to this impasse where you are each saying to yourselves…she will need me before I need her.

Take the situation in hand.
It’s your wedding, not hers.
She isn’t behaving well but it’s not sensible to let this passively drift on, if it’s giving you real upset.

Either tell the venue you want one more added to the guest list and tell your mum the venue has relented and he can go in the evening. I know you will see that as giving in to your mum which gets harder the longer time goes on.
Or decide you are done with her and make arrangements for somebody else to do MOB duties. And try to put it all out of your mind.

You are enabling her to do this to you, if you don’t take positive action.

You both sound really stubborn and this is why families end up falling out and not speaking to each other for years and years. In the grand scheme of things it's all nonsense. For the sake of your own mental health and your children sometimes you have to be the bigger person. In your mum's head she has raised you, loved you, helped you probably in countless ways and you could easily add on her partner and could make her happy but you're choosing not too. She won't take your viewpoint on because people rarely do, same way you can't see it from her side. Ultimately you have to decide how important your mum is to you and how much you value her.

Ive tried to read as much as I can, apologies if I repeat or missed an update.

I’m a mum probably of your mums age and a grandma. There’s two sides of the coin really. Your mum is clearly in the first flushes of love. Almost like teenage love (remember it?!). She’s digging her heels in because she’s so in love with him, this is “the one” in her mind. She doesn’t want to miss out on a special day without him. Equally your dad will be there with his wife, she doesn’t want to be on her own. It’s your day, you’ll be busy and apart from the duties she has with you, she doesn’t want to stand alone at the bar etc. She wants to enjoy the day with her partner, show him off, for him to a part of it too. Maybe your mum is an insecure, not so confident woman. Maybe she needs someone as support to her on a big day

equally on your side of the coin, it’s your day. It’s about you. Everyone should be supporting you on your day, let alone your own mum. You think your mum should be your biggest supporter. You don’t know him, you don’t want him in the photos, on the top table etc. why would you, you don’t know him and he could be gone in the summer! You feel your mum has enough of her side of the family to stand with, talk to etc

there is also another strand to this, you’re upset at how your mum has spoken to you. You feel it’s not on. Your mum on the other hand is frustrated, fed up and not had the response she thought you would.

so where do you go now? Firstly you need to talk to your mum about finding a way forward. You need to tell her that you don’t want to be spoken to like that. Whatever the situation now or in the future, firstly that’s the bottom line. She may not like it but really once someone tells you I want to move forward and let’s set some boundaries, really what is there to answer. Tell her you love her and need her, let alone on your biggest day.

as to the boyfriend, I don’t know. If the venue says he can’t come in the evening, he can’t come. What does your mum want you to do about that? You can’t change it. Can you allow him to come but he sits at the back of the church (or wherever), he doesn’t sit at top table, he’s not in the photos etc. really he’s in the background as much as possible.

personally as mum and grandma, I wouldn’t be pushing for him to come. It’s your day and I could see him at any other time or day. It’s one day that I won’t see him and my time and attention has to be on my family. It’s a big day for you and your mum, I wouldn’t be worrying about the boyfriend if I was in your mums shoes

hope you manage to sort it out

@Bubseybooba that's awful letting dcs down. She needs to grow up by the sounds of it. Some people never do though sadly.

My god, she let your children down without even the courtesy of a text?

If she’s so willing to cast her daughter and grandchildren aside for the sake of a man she’s known for weeks, a man who has also let you down 3 times now with planned meetings, then just let her. Let her make a fool of herself.

Carry on planning your wedding OP. Make other plans for the roles she was supposed to play on the day. If she comes around down the line, then consider giving her the opportunity to explain herself and apologise. But I would not be extending myself and trying to resolve things for a woman like this. She’s an absolute fool.

Thank you for your response.

This is where the hurt is coming from on my side, to me it isn’t even really about him coming or not coming anymore it is about how she is treating me and making me feel because she isn’t getting her own way.

and all this over someone she didn't even know a few months ago

OP your mother wont change and now shes punishing your kids because she cannot control you. This is abuse. My mother was given an olive branch a few years ago to see my son after over a year of no contact. On the day itself for his bday she text to say she couldnt make it was dreadfully sorry bla bla bla as her husband apparently had a fall. He didnt, she was in England with my cousins at a 'family' party. She never had intended to see my son who apparently I stop her seeing somehow (hes a teen with a phone) but she plays the victim all of the time. Dont let her do this to any of you. Bump her down and get your brother to give you away and your mother can still be there if she wants a mother of the bride but that is all. This will only get worse for you and she actually sounds like she cannot stand your happiness. Many a spiteful mother out there believe me I had one and she acted like yours is now.

To be honest you need to tell her that, even if you have to write in a card. You need to find a way forward.

of course you can’t write this in a letter but shes stamping her feet about a situation that hasn’t gone the way she’s thought. On the other hand to her you’re being a bridezilla and it’s all about you and you having your moment and your day. (Just putting how she feels). She probably feels insecure that she’s on her own too.

as you say it’s become a battle of wills and really the original problem ie the boyfriend has been forgotten.i would drop her a very pleasant note about how upset you both are, the children and everyone involved doesn’t want this, you love her and you want to move forward. It’s no good listing in the note all that has gone on. You could say the drama of it all is wearing you out, you’re upset and it’s just too much for you to fall out with her. Tell her that you love her and need her support on your biggest day.

and then you have to drop it. Really you do. Speak to her like nothing has happened . I can’t see how a mother can not broken by a note like that. It would be heartbreaking for me to read that from my adult kids.

if she carries on being rude to you, talk to her as you normally would. Tell her you’ll speak to her tomorrow, Friday, whenever when “you feel a bit better”. Tbh you can’t argue with someone who doesn’t want to argue. Make a decision about the boyfriend and stick to it. But most of all now stop having heads and just speak to her like you would a child even. Talk on an even keel.

thank you for your feedback.
Unfortunately I am not able to just let this slide. I don’t feel like I should have to be the bigger person here when she is the one who swore at me and hung up the phone.

The conversation ended as it did because of her actions. Even if she stood by Everything else she said in that conversation I could put it down to a difference of opinion but swearing and hanging up is extremely disrespectful.

Not to mention, telling me ‘ she can’t guarantee’ she will be happy and present on my wedding day without her bf of 12 weeks. The hurt I am feeling goes so deep

@Bubseybooba - organse your wedding to not include your mum. If things resolve in the meantime, all good, but I totally agree with you that it has to come from her.
Honestly, if she was decades younger, I'd be assuming she was on drugs or something..
Don't let her ruin your wedding. I can't understand previous posters saying 'oh, let him come'.. you've been told this isn't allowed, so why your mum & posters here are piling on you, I really don't know.
I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful wedding day with no drama. If your mum attends, I can't help feeling it'll be like an episode of Eastenders.. :-(

I am not sure about this amazing relationship you have with your mum as I would not do this with either of my daughters. Your wedding is your choice especially if you haven’t met your mums partner. 3 months is a new relationship. A plus 1 from a normal guest is one thing especially with evening receptions but a plus 1 for the main wedding party means as you say a front row/top table seat or even him bringing in photos which is strange if you don’t know him. No doubt she is doing it because your Dad is bringing his wife and she doesn’t want to be alone but if the rest of her family are going she is being unreasonable. She sounds stubborn though so you either stand your ground and risk her not coming or behaving badly or you ask to meet him beforehand and let him come.

Ok I have read all your responses and your mum sounds pretty controlling with her offering to gift money if you bought a house where she wanted you to and throwing her toys out of the pram because you moved away. As you say she has remarried twice since your Dad. TBH she sounds pretty unbalanced and I would not be counting on her. Do you have any good friends as bridesmaids to support you. The issue with the kids sleepover is also not good if she is going to let them down over her spat with you. I would be annoyed at the swearing at you too. You are obviously hurt but she has acted unreasonably before so not sure why you thought this would be different. Classic narcissist behaviour.

I would be considering if her behaviour has changed since meeting the bf. It’s odd how he cancelled meeting you a few times. I would be worried about whether it’s some kind of toxic relationship she has got into. I would be tempted to meet her and check up on her.

OP your mother wont change and now shes punishing your kids because she cannot control you. This is abuse.

And this is where you need to keep your kids as distant from her as you can. You're coming out of what's referred to as the Fog and your view of your mom will never be the same. But it's best to know what you deal with when you say no to her. She'll do that to your kids too. She's already started punishing them because she thinks it will hurt you.

It’s very petty not to allow her to bring a plus one…by the time of the wedding, they’ll have been together 9 months, so talking about 12 weeks is disingenuous. If you continue to say no, she may not come herself, which would be a sad outcome.

thank you for your feedback.

The fact my mum has swore at me, hung up the phone, told me she can’t guarantee to be happy and present on my wedding day and let my kids down this weekend is all down to someone she has known for 3 months.

so the time is relevant. I understand by my wedding it would have been 9 months but her behaviour is now and this is my problem.

So will you basically not be in touch with her anymore? I mean she's clearly not reaching out to you.

It’s been one week. I am hoping to hear from her. As I said previously she is entitled to her feelings and her opinions but at minimum I deserve an apology for being swore at and hung up on.
Then we can speak and hopefully try to move forward. I am firm in my decision that he is not coming though, so depends how she takes that.

if her new bf not coming to my wedding will stop her coming and end our relationship, it shows me where her priorities lie. She doesn’t have to like it but it shouldn’t destroy everything.

Surely by you saying that he absolutely cannot come, you are in fact also breaking the relationship. Which is fine - but if you want you guys to reach a compromise that means from both of you. As a lot of people on this threat have noted - you are unreasonable for digging your heels and not allowing him to come and your mum is unreasonable for swearing and putting the phone down. Without some compromise on both sides - is it really going to work?

Your mum is making it about her. Does she have form for this?

You are entitled to your opinion and I appreciate your outlook.

Maybe I am stubborn but I shouldn’t be breaking the relationship by not allowing her BF to my wedding. Someone I have never met and she hasn’t known for long herself.

I would never imagine treating my Daughters like this in the run up to their wedding for a new bf. life is about compromise but not all situations and i think my wedding should be one of them.

op

If you are waiting for an apology from her you are going to be so disappointed. People like your mother do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She’s never apologised before now has she?.

As far as your mother is concerned it’s her way or no way. There is no compromise with someone like this because she will never agree she is in the wrong here. Being the so called bigger person will to her be a sign of weakness which she will exploit.

She wanted to invite her current man of choice to your wedding after knowing him precisely one week. This is not normal behaviour in emotionally healthy families and sadly you’ve come from a dysfunctional family. Keep your kids well away from her going forward.

You are totally entitled to your position. It's just that I guess your mum is entitled to hers.

Also, honestly you have no idea how it will be when your kids are grown up.

MN is full of people who claim they will behave in this and that way in the future, and then other people talking about utterly unreasonable mothers and mothers in law. And seeing as you are quite a stubborn as all that....I can totally see how you would also be a stubborn mother to your kids when they are adults.

There is no sleepover because you are both not talking to one another. This is not revenge against your children.

I am estranged from my brother and I dont speak to his children because I dont speak to him.

In all honesty you both seem as pig-headed as each other.