Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

[CinnamonSwirlLatte]

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

There's definitely no SHPO.

Apologies but honestly you have NO IDEA what they have actually said to him if you weren’t there.
it’s astonishing you believe what he says.

Well he is stupidly honest and says far too much, so I can believe it!

Although it will actually really benefit me if he has lied, because then I don't feel like I am to blame for all of this

I don’t think you’re to blame but you seem to be totally ignoring advice on here and you are avoiding honesty with the midwife which to me is very concerning as somebody who has made my career in safeguarding.

Surely it's understandable why I wouldn't want to? If he escalates or tries to see baby, then obviously yes

Honestly, no I don’t get it.

He is manipulative, he’s threatened to harm himself, he has a history of SA, he has had access to your children, he’s a witness in a trial for you (which is dodgy as fuck now given you’ve had a sexual relationship).

You’ve lied to the midwife, you’ve let him stay in your home, you’re scared of his family, you knew he had a history of SA from the start.

IMO you are avoiding telling anyone purely because you know they will question your sanity. You need to safeguard your family and start making wiser decisions.

Thanks for making me panic about the potential trial, that really helped. But it's a good reason to keep my mouth shut if it's going to be seen that way

Also at the point of the incident I hadn't conceived so no, we hadn't had a sexual relationship

If you lie for him now, which is what you are doing:

1. You undermine your own credibility as a witness and complainant later on.
2. You don't have the pattern of reports to support your later complaint.

Stop shooting yourself in the foot.

I’m not trying to make you panic. I’m TRYING to make you think logically.

And that is what I'm battling with. I don't want to rush to report him to the police

I'm literally doing everything on my own with several children, pregnant, working, studying and trying to break a trauma bond. It's a miracle I'm still going tbh. I can't magically turn into a robot and stop worrying. People like you are not helping, sorry

You have to put the worry and the feelings in a box whilst you tell the midwife etc.

We are trying to steer you through that.

Ok I’ll bow out.

Lying about something so serious might indicate that you're not a safe person. You need to start putting your children's safety before yourself.

Appreciate that

They're safe, just missing him annoyingly

It's not about my "feelings" as such, it's about blowing my life apart. I know Mumsnet loves the drama but they're not the ones dealing with the fall out!

Anyway the police are ringing me on Thursday so I can give them all the details, and from there I can tell them whether I'd like them to do nothing, give him "words of advice" or go for a charge.

I feel guilty and silly and don't know whether to go through with it, especially if he stays quiet now. I'm not out for revenge, and it may look that way potentially

Is this sex offender the only witness against your workplace stalker? If he doesn't show up, does your case fall apart?

I'd like to think I'm the main witness, and that my statement and evidence covers it. But as far as I know yes he's the only other one.

I'm falling apart tonight. I don't want to live like this. I literally have no one 😥

OP you sound incredibly vulnerable and like you make poor choices because of that. Do you have parents that can support you at all? It all sounds very messy and difficult.

I would talk to your midwife about your whole situation and see if there is anything they can do to help you. You are going through an incredible amount and if you don't have the support of family and friends then you at least need some professionals helping you.

Please don't have any more children though and just concentrate now on the ones that you have and don't introduce any more men to them. they desperately need some stability.

Too many men turn out to be complete wankers OP, don't take the risk anymore.

Thank you for being compassionate. I'm absolutely broken tonight.

I wish I had parents, so much. I wish I had a mum I could cuddle and cry on. But she's an abusive, violent alcoholic, and my dad isn't much better, so I cut them off years ago.

I'm definitely not planning on meeting anyone else. I've thought makes me feel ill. But I'm really low tonight and I'm scared I'm going to reach out to him. Maybe that's what he's biding his time for

You have us on here and we are telling you what you need to hear even if it’s what you don’t want to here and that’s the best thing for you.

Please god don’t reach out to your abuser. You’ve come so far!

Thank you ❤️ the majority of people on here have just kicked me when I'm down. Do they not realise that's exactly the kind of thing that makes abusers successful? He's all I have, I'm so scared about everything and I just want someone to tell me it'll be okay.

I'm not going to message him but why is he the only cunt who loves me?