Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

[CinnamonSwirlLatte]

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

Was never going to thankfully!

I'm determined not to give in... for a start I'm not opening a bottle of wine of an evening which weakens my resolve!

Oh, that makes everything ok then.
He has committed a sexual crime against someone - did you not see that s a red flag?
Put your DC first, contact Women’s Refuge or the police for support now.

I should hope not - you’re pregnant, don’t inflict alcohol on the baby FFS!

Yes, obviously I meant when I wasn't pregnant

I did see it as a red flag, of course, but he talked me round and wore me down in the end. I did consider the police but I guess he's not really committing a crime right now

@CinnamonSwirlLatte

Typical switch when an abuser finally realises they're losing their grip on someone (in this case you). He's going to try and sweeten you up, he might even go to extremes of actually landing himself in hospital too to make you feel bad and guilty but do not let this fool you, it's a game to him. He will be fine, he will live! I've seen it from the child's perspective, your children may have liked him now but they'll hate him one day.

If you went back now he will tighten his grip on you, he will know that you have the strength to push back and leave for good, and he will ramp up his behaviour to keep you there. This is the hardest bit for you, but staying would be the hardest thing for your children.
Keep going, every minute you go is a minute further away from him. Just literally think 1 day at a time for now and do block his number so he can't send you guilt trip messages or calls. You need to cut all contact.

If you don't already have some security then add some ASAP. You can buy some DIY door and window locks for just £6/7 on Amazon, they are little white pins that you just flick up to add protection to your house. Do not open the door if he turns up, even if his leg is hanging off. Get some cameras up too if you can.
Hopefully this will all be unnecessary, but your a lone pregnant female with young children, it never hurts to add security anyway.

You can do this, you already are.

Pathetic response.

I feel really sorry for your children.

Thank you. He will definitely live! I bought a Ring doorbell after the other incident but he charged it for me and never put it back up. I really don't think he'll just turn up. He wouldn't scare the kids like that plus he's seen what happens as the other person got arrested for doing just that.

Annoyingly he apparently has left some things in my garage. Said he "might need them next week but doesn't have to see me so not to worry". I said "okay, you can collect them at 2pm on Wednesday while I'm at work" and he said "Oh I might be out of town again then, we'll sort it eventually don't worry". Ermmm I'm sorry??? You need them next week but now it's an open ended thing?? Fuck off!

I am tempted to block but was advised not to. Either way he has previously just tried to ring anyway, or left voicemails, or sent an email, or left something on my car in the middle of the night.

I'm trying, but sometimes I feel like I've jumped the gun and lost something great, even though I know logically that's stupid

It's a fact?

Are the police aware??

I believe you can have them put a marker on your address so that they are aware if you ring that you need urgent help.

Trauma bonds are horrendous.

I know it's really hard to think of, but you'd be even more free if he did off himself... He is abusive and possibly dangerous. So please don't feel like you're responsible for keeping him alive, you are responsible for keeping YOURSELF and your children alive only. He can threaten whatever he likes NOT YOUR PROBLEM

Just keep thinking about your kids. It is easier to do it for them than yourself. They need to be safe and only around good people. Don't give baby his surname. That is important.

With all due respect OP you are very “yes but…” to responses that are pointing out clearly what you doing is dangerous for your children and you

I think you need to get social services involved so that they put a boundary in because you are clearly not going to - you need them to make it a child protection issue so that you have no chance of going back or your kids will be removed

from all your responses including the last one “I’ve lost something really good” - how on earth can you say that

yes he’s being nice because it’s the one reward dropped in amongst weeks of mistreatment that gets you staying hoping for that nice behaviour again - that how trauma bonding works

please start reading some of the literature on women’s aid about power and manipulation

You’re totally missed the point OP - it doesn’t matter what he’s done you should not have a man around your children who is on the wax offenders register

Oh I know I would, let him get on with it so I can live my life! Thank you x

Contact the police so they are aware of the situation. You could get a panic button. It helps that he already has convictions. You are being so strong right now. Keep going. This time will pass.

And he wasn't until I had hyperemesis and couldn't do anything. As soon as I was better I told him to leave

Thank you. I feel silly contacting them as I've already had to do it about the other person! I also don't want to open up a can of worms

I've read all the literature. I'd happily get social services involved if my ex (family court one) wouldn't potentially use it against me

Pethaps for your own sake and the sake of your children, you need to give up men permanently. If you remain with him, as he's on a sex offenders register, I imagine there's a high chance the baby will be taken onto care at the hospital when born.

Catch onto yourself and put your children first. Presumably you are already known to SS.

Stop making excuses and sort yourself out.

Yes this

they are only adding stress to your life

Not known to SS, and he is not legally the father so no reason to take my baby, but thanks for that.

But if you get them involved that looks better for you

I think you may need to take that risk as you are not going to put a hard and fast boundary in place

How have I not put a hard and fast boundary in place? I've made him leave and am now ignoring anything he sends me.

And saying you think you may have missed something wonderful!

your head isn’t in reality