Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

[CinnamonSwirlLatte]

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

That's the effect of a trauma bond though...

OP, at your booking appointment, the midwife should have asked you about information on father of baby. If you had disclosed all the information they would have notified social services and you would have heard from them

Which makes me think you haven't been honest with the midwives because you know this man shouldn't be anywhere near your children, but you've chosen to ignore that.

You can absolutely self refer to children's services, if you truly want support to stay away from him and to protect your children then give them a call and tell them everything.

One little sniff from him and you’ll go running back. He’s a sex offender and you’re having a baby with him and letting your kids be around him. You’re either very young or very naive . He’s a monster and shouldn’t be allowed near any kids. Please seek advice from social services and tell your ex who his kids are living with. The decent thing you can do is let his kids go live with him if you take that offender back.

Yes, I said I used a sperm donor.

I'm not going to involve outside agencies unless I feel I need to (he escalates). And I suppose if he DID try to seek contact, he'd have to declare that he's on the register then anyway

He is far more abusive and over 3 years on still only has supervised contact with the children so is far from a better option. If I was going to go running back I would have when he was crying in my bedroom begging me. Instead I told him to hurry up getting his things and leave and was then accused of being heartless lol

Good god those poor kiddos

It doesn’t matter what he’s accusing you of - you don’t need to rate his opinions

if your ex is that bad then you have nothing stopping you getting ss involved - speak to them and do what they say

Your poor children - you keep putting them in dangerous situations

Lying to the very people who can help you is a really stupid idea.

SS don't want to take your kids into care unless they really have to. They do want to see that you are protecting your kids from this man.

That might involve moving and not telling him your new address. If it annoys your kids, too bad, they'll cope.

I'd happily move personally - but there's no way it's that bad. Not a chance. He's so low risk, PPU have laughed and joked about him being around me and the kids (they know because of the colleague stalking incident, where this guy was a witness). Utterly bizarre tbh

What happens if he escalates and you have to involve the police? They’d refer to SS and you’d have to then admit who the father actually is. The fact you’ve concealed info would be seen as a red flag.
You need to be honest and then hopefully you will get support because it seems to me you are perilously close to making even more poor decisions.

I won't involve the police then

You’re really not getting this are you?

YOU are the one not getting it.
Yes, concealed who the father is whilst in a seriously coercive relationship. I'm not still merrily with him now, am I?

If you're dead, your kids go into foster care, possibly with evil ex's family. You cannot be so cavalier about turning down the police if this guy escalates.

Such a low risk that he's a literal sex offender. Such a low risk that you don't want him on the birth certificate. Such a low risk that you posted on here for advice.

That's not a low risk, at all.

That’s a really poor excuse. You were happy to have a sex offender around your Dc when you were ill and vulnerable.

You are not going to manage this unless you honest and get all the help you can
Tell the midwife everything
Explain you lied because you scared
Do not justify

This is a man who is manipulative and has a history of SA.
You state you are trauma bonded to him.
You need support to ensure you do not return to him.
At the same time, he could escalate in his behaviour and you may need to involve the police.
By not recognising these dangers, you are not protecting your children.

I wasn't exactly happy about it, I didn't have any choice other than abortion which I didn't want to do.

You're right, which is why I got in touch with the local domestic abuse support charity

He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

Tell the midwives everything

You’re making excuse after excuse even though you’re being told how dangerous this is for your DC. Why?

I am scared. You have no idea how much.

I'm too scared