Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

[CinnamonSwirlLatte]

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

didn't have much choice when I was bedbound

Well this is where ss can fund a carer for you if assessed as needing one
You dont take back a dodgy boyfriend you reach out via gp midwife etc

You had a choice not to get with a convicted sex offender into the first place

I didn't realise this. I'm better now which is how I've got rid x

Suppose. Although he did lie to me about the circumstances for months

And what if my work find out? I can't lose my job. It means everything to me

Which is why you should have done a Claires law application and saved yourself and your children a whole load of heartache. Especially as you say your ex was also abusive.

It's all well and good claiming you didn't know, but you have 4 children, soon to be 5 that you are solely responsible for. It is your job to keep them safe. Which includes vetting potential partners before you get in a relationship with them or introduce them to your children. It's obviously far too late this time round, but hopefully you will do this before getting into any relationships in the future.

Well it's too late for that now x

You’re not really making sense. You say he knows if he wants access to your child, he must go through legitimate channels.
In which case, why is he not blocked on everything? And if he does, how will you explain this to the midwife/ social services?
You say your older children know the situation so what’s to stop them telling somebody?

You’re not really making sense. You say he knows if he wants access to your child, he must go through legitimate channels.
In which case, why is he not blocked on everything? And if he does, how will you explain this to the midwife/ social services?
You say your older children know the situation so what’s to stop them telling somebody?

Nothing is to stop them telling somebody. As I've already explained, I was advised by the domestic abuse advisor NOT to block him completely

So when this all blows up, and it will, how will you explain it to the midwife and social services?

Well it won't unless I report it

It WILL if he requests access!

Which he'd be very stupid to do

I can see that you're trying to keep a brave face on, but some of this really isn't adding up. PPU laughed with you about your new boyfriend being a RSO while you - a pregnant woman with four children - were reporting a separate stalking case? Either you ran into the most astoundingly unprofessional PPU officer on the planet, or you misinterpreted their reaction as laughing.

Did the IDVA explain why you shouldn't block him on every channel? That suggests to me that they think there is a risk of him becoming explosive if he thinks he can't get to you. I think you are massively underestimating the risk this man poses, to you, your unborn baby and your older children. Stop fretting about being bonded to him, and start getting angry. He wheedled his way into your house with your children. I bet you don't actually know the details of his conviction beyond what he's told you.

As I say, find your anger. Put your children's wellbeing and physical safety first.

Why would you lose your job?

I don't know

Your work aren't going to fire you for dumping an abuser.

I've never spoken to PPU in my life. This is what they said to him.

IDVA said that some men escalate (but obviously I know him better than they do), and also if I keep one avenue open it is a means of collecting evidence.

Oh trust me, I'm VERY angry at him...

I meant the other stuff about him

So how do you know what PPU said to him?

Hint: if he told you they were laughing about it, he was lying.

That he's a sex offender? You've dumped him. Why would they fire you for that?

You don't know anything about his convictions, do you. I bet the police and probation don't know about you.

Do you work with vulnerable people or children? Have you allowed him to be in your workplace?

He wasn't lying. And plus that makes no sense when they didn't even speak to me when they had my full details