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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

213 replies

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:25

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

OP posts:
calpolandcuddles · 31/01/2026 23:47

Also in case he ever does come and you can't talk, dial the 9s and press 55

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:50

calpolandcuddles · 31/01/2026 23:45

Just because you report him doesn't mean it would automatically go to trial op - just do a 101 online and let them take it from there, they will do what they want with that info.

If it went to family court for contact I reckon cafcas would not view positively his offending history and I very much doubt he's gonna pay for legal representation in family court for custody.

I'm not totally clear if he's dad of bump or not but try not to think of all that stuff that's further down the line

You can live chat to women's aid 10am-10pm on your phone, just go to refuge online and look for a pink chat symbol, it's AI but it will put you through to a person

Try the book Why Does He Do That , you can get a free pdf

...and tell your mw x

Yeah that is true. I am tempted to "log" it with police but when I did that about my colleague, they turned up at half 9 on a Sunday night to chat to me about it! I'm too exhausted for it all right now.

I doubt he'd pay either. He doesn't even pay his car tax, phone bill or debts 🙄 and if he DID get supervised contact then he'd have to pay for that, too. Probably easier for him to stalk me and try to catch sightings of the baby 🙄

I have read that book, but definitely need to read again. Next seeing midwife at 28 weeks, so I will see how I feel then about mentioning it xx

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2026 23:51

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:30

I have enough for six months rent upfront, never mind a deposit. I never hear anything back once I've filled in the form and they see that I'm a single mum of several children and only work part time

Show quote history

Keep trying. I'd suggest trying to up your hours, but you are expecting.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:51

calpolandcuddles · 31/01/2026 23:47

Also in case he ever does come and you can't talk, dial the 9s and press 55

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:51

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/01/2026 23:51

Keep trying. I'd suggest trying to up your hours, but you are expecting.

Edited
Show quote history

What do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:52

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 23:51

What do you mean?

Show quote history

Oh I see what you mean now. There aren't any more hours I can do unfortunately! All our roles are part time and I do the most hours of the team

OP posts:
Pryceosh1987 · 01/02/2026 00:35

Stay on high alert and stay safe always.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 09:41

Pryceosh1987 · 01/02/2026 00:35

Stay on high alert and stay safe always.

I'm on high alert constantly 😩 it's exhausting

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 11:26

Bumping for Sunday crowd

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 12:38

Oh god, I checked my message archive and he has actually sent quite a few in the last 48 hours. I hadn't realised as he's muted. Ranging from asking for scan pics, saying I must be with someone else and that's why I want him gone, saying he does care and he hasn't given up, then one long message a few minutes ago along the lines of

"I know you hate me and i get you don't want to talk to me, but remember that we made this baby together and we need to talk at some point about what the hell is going to go on? Even when he's here idk? I'll love you always, whether that be from afar or one day with you again, but nothing changes that fact. sorry for absolutely everything and i just want you to be happy and healthy always. sucks that it won't be with me. but if any man gives you shit, you know where i am. i'm sorry again and i love you always"

Can I have an objective opinion on this please, someone?! Obviously I'm not going to respond but he makes me feel so fucking bad. I know I'm a good mu and I want to do the right thing!

OP posts:
Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 01/02/2026 12:47

I thought you were scared of him? You know he's talking bollocks

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 12:51

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 01/02/2026 12:47

I thought you were scared of him? You know he's talking bollocks

I am. No I don't know that, because I'm the one in the situation. He has messed with my head a lot and I'm hormonal. Surely you know it's not that simple? Otherwise no one would ever end up in a coercive relationship?!

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 01/02/2026 13:11

Objective opinion. He's manipulating you. Talk is cheap, messages mean nothing. Mute him again.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 13:12

WinterSunglasses · 01/02/2026 13:11

Objective opinion. He's manipulating you. Talk is cheap, messages mean nothing. Mute him again.

Thank you. He has been muted the whole time x

OP posts:
PoppySaidYesIKnow · 01/02/2026 13:57

Get a grip. Think of your children, their lives are being messed up by poor decision making - put their needs first. It doesn’t matter what he says or doesn’t say, or how you feel, put the kids first and be a good parent.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:05

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 01/02/2026 13:57

Get a grip. Think of your children, their lives are being messed up by poor decision making - put their needs first. It doesn’t matter what he says or doesn’t say, or how you feel, put the kids first and be a good parent.

Edited

They're happy and healthy, don't stress

OP posts:
PurpleLovecats · 01/02/2026 14:14

Well obviously you need to ignore him but the smartest thing to do would be to tell your midwife the situation and get a referral to social services. Then tell him that any requests for future access can come through them/ a legal route.
Have you thought about how you will explain all this to the child in future? And your current children?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:17

PurpleLovecats · 01/02/2026 14:14

Well obviously you need to ignore him but the smartest thing to do would be to tell your midwife the situation and get a referral to social services. Then tell him that any requests for future access can come through them/ a legal route.
Have you thought about how you will explain all this to the child in future? And your current children?

Well if the child asks they'll be told why he can't see them yes. My older children know about him. I don't need help from social services. I've written a log for the police, but haven't sent it yet. I feel stupid because there are much worse men out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:18

PurpleLovecats · 01/02/2026 14:14

Well obviously you need to ignore him but the smartest thing to do would be to tell your midwife the situation and get a referral to social services. Then tell him that any requests for future access can come through them/ a legal route.
Have you thought about how you will explain all this to the child in future? And your current children?

Also i don't need to tell him that regarding contact as he already knows this

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 01/02/2026 14:25

He is the worst op. I feel stupid because there are much worse men out there it does not matter. What matters is you your current dc and unborn child.
He is in the bad category.
The emotional manipulation.
The sex offense.
Threats to kill himself.
It does not need to be a fist in your head.

cestlavielife · 01/02/2026 14:26

And you have to report and log and tell midwife. Or your dc will not get the protection they need

TwistedWonder · 01/02/2026 14:32

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 20:45

The kids really liked him!! Which doesn't help

Show quote history

They should never have met him so that shouldn’t be the case.

JFC you’ve bought a convicted sex offender into you kids home and getting snippy with anyone who tells you what a bad idea it was.

Yet another in
the long line of MN threads where dick is higher priority than kids.

Depressing as fuck - your poor kids being dragged through this shitshow

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:38

TwistedWonder · 01/02/2026 14:32

They should never have met him so that shouldn’t be the case.

JFC you’ve bought a convicted sex offender into you kids home and getting snippy with anyone who tells you what a bad idea it was.

Yet another in
the long line of MN threads where dick is higher priority than kids.

Depressing as fuck - your poor kids being dragged through this shitshow

Show quote history

I didn't have much choice when I was bedbound

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:39

cestlavielife · 01/02/2026 14:26

And you have to report and log and tell midwife. Or your dc will not get the protection they need

I don't want to get the blame for HIS wrongdoings. Nor do I want the retaliation from him and his family. Nor do I want him, as a prosecution witness to the other events, to screw it all up for me meaning that the other guy gets off and I have to work with him again

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 01/02/2026 14:40

cestlavielife · 01/02/2026 14:25

He is the worst op. I feel stupid because there are much worse men out there it does not matter. What matters is you your current dc and unborn child.
He is in the bad category.
The emotional manipulation.
The sex offense.
Threats to kill himself.
It does not need to be a fist in your head.

Thank you, I guess this is true

OP posts: