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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

213 replies

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:25

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 31/01/2026 19:35

No news is good news.

Just think of your baby, what you want to teach your baby about appropriate relationships, what you want to model for your baby and what you need to make you happy.

It’s hard but he isn’t your problem so don’t make him your problem, think of you and your baby

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:36

Lmnop22 · 31/01/2026 19:35

No news is good news.

Just think of your baby, what you want to teach your baby about appropriate relationships, what you want to model for your baby and what you need to make you happy.

It’s hard but he isn’t your problem so don’t make him your problem, think of you and your baby

Thank you x

OP posts:
adcde123 · 31/01/2026 19:37

I can only send you hugs and support to stay strong and stay away from this dangerous and disturbed individual. Hopefully other wise mumsnetters will have strategies and advice to help keep you strong and, more importantly, safe. 💐

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:38

adcde123 · 31/01/2026 19:37

I can only send you hugs and support to stay strong and stay away from this dangerous and disturbed individual. Hopefully other wise mumsnetters will have strategies and advice to help keep you strong and, more importantly, safe. 💐

I really hope so too. Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 31/01/2026 19:42

I'm going to be quite harsh here but get your head out of the sand, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your children.

WTF are you doing letting a man on the Sex Offenders Register around your children? Are you insane? WTF is wrong with you!

You should call social services on yourself, never mind someone else doing it.

Sunnyday55 · 31/01/2026 19:43

Be careful. It is the most dangerpus time for you. This is an abusive man, with an abuse problem. Write down all the reasons not to be with him and the things he’s done. Look at this to stay strong. Of course he can be nice sometimes but perhaps just to get what he wants, this is manipulation.
Stay safe and protect your children. If social services ever got involved and you were still seeing him, you would be putting your children’s care with you at risk. You have to be seen to be protecting your children if you don’t feel you can put yourself first.

Perhaps in the future, you can move away and start a fresh? You have a lot of responsibility in your hands but then may help out there in different places if you genuinely need support do not turn to him.

You could be living a completely different life soon. Don’t slip back into the old or your future will be set along with your children’s with this unsafe man. It sounds like you may have a trauma history to be putting up with some of this.

Please know that you are worth so much more and that your life can be so good for yourself and your children if you can make some smart choices now, these choices won’t be the easy choices. Make hard choices and stick to them for a better life for you and your children. It will take time, but you’ll get there.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:46

Sunnyday55 · 31/01/2026 19:43

Be careful. It is the most dangerpus time for you. This is an abusive man, with an abuse problem. Write down all the reasons not to be with him and the things he’s done. Look at this to stay strong. Of course he can be nice sometimes but perhaps just to get what he wants, this is manipulation.
Stay safe and protect your children. If social services ever got involved and you were still seeing him, you would be putting your children’s care with you at risk. You have to be seen to be protecting your children if you don’t feel you can put yourself first.

Perhaps in the future, you can move away and start a fresh? You have a lot of responsibility in your hands but then may help out there in different places if you genuinely need support do not turn to him.

You could be living a completely different life soon. Don’t slip back into the old or your future will be set along with your children’s with this unsafe man. It sounds like you may have a trauma history to be putting up with some of this.

Please know that you are worth so much more and that your life can be so good for yourself and your children if you can make some smart choices now, these choices won’t be the easy choices. Make hard choices and stick to them for a better life for you and your children. It will take time, but you’ll get there.

I literally moved 3.5 hours away to live here, this was my fresh start :(

I have a LOT of trauma history unfortunately!

Thank you. I'm definitely trying, it's just harder this time x

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:47

StrawberryWater · 31/01/2026 19:42

I'm going to be quite harsh here but get your head out of the sand, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your children.

WTF are you doing letting a man on the Sex Offenders Register around your children? Are you insane? WTF is wrong with you!

You should call social services on yourself, never mind someone else doing it.

He is allowed around children tbf, there is no SHPO :(

OP posts:
Theonlywayicanloveyou · 31/01/2026 19:49

Whatever you do, do not put this man’s name on the birth certificate

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:51

Theonlywayicanloveyou · 31/01/2026 19:49

Whatever you do, do not put this man’s name on the birth certificate

Oh I won't be, don't worry! He knew that thought and readily agreed.

He isn't on the other child's either

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:51

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:51

Oh I won't be, don't worry! He knew that thought and readily agreed.

He isn't on the other child's either

Show quote history

though*

OP posts:
Sunnyday55 · 31/01/2026 19:52

Make some secret plans to move away again.
even tell him the baby is not his, or that you lost it if you have to, to keep him away. This is a dangerous man. Even though it feels like day-to-day normal life for you.
Do what is necessary to protect you and your children and stick to it.

WinterSunglasses · 31/01/2026 19:52

You've done the hardest bit. Don't turn back now.

Who do you know nearby? Are the kids all primary and younger or are any teens?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:57

Sunnyday55 · 31/01/2026 19:52

Make some secret plans to move away again.
even tell him the baby is not his, or that you lost it if you have to, to keep him away. This is a dangerous man. Even though it feels like day-to-day normal life for you.
Do what is necessary to protect you and your children and stick to it.

I definitely can't. Children would never forgive me, ex wouldn't allow it (he already tried to stop the move here, despite me living in a refuge with the kids at the time!), I would never be able to get another private rental (the council helped with this one as I was classed as homeless). I can't raise a mortgage high enough, believe me I've been trying for 2 years because I don't want to rent. There's just no way. It's shit.

You're right, it doesn't feel dangerous, it's "just what he's like"!!

OP posts:
quackon · 31/01/2026 19:57

Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Block him from all angles and make a conscious decision now that you are a single mother. You have 15 weeks to get your head round that.

You cannot let this person back into your life. It's not safe for either your baby or you.

Op, I have been here. I have been stalked. The bastard even came into my house whilst I was sleeping. Run, don't walk. Never look back. If he contacts you then you contact the police - do not engage him yourself.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:58

WinterSunglasses · 31/01/2026 19:52

You've done the hardest bit. Don't turn back now.

Who do you know nearby? Are the kids all primary and younger or are any teens?

Some are teens and some are primary. I don't really know anyone, apart from a couple of colleagues and school mums, but no one I am close to. His mum, grandma and sister all live within minutes' walk of me too. I hate and it's one reason I've gone back before

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 20:01

quackon · 31/01/2026 19:57

Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Block him from all angles and make a conscious decision now that you are a single mother. You have 15 weeks to get your head round that.

You cannot let this person back into your life. It's not safe for either your baby or you.

Op, I have been here. I have been stalked. The bastard even came into my house whilst I was sleeping. Run, don't walk. Never look back. If he contacts you then you contact the police - do not engage him yourself.

I definitely won't put him on. The domestic abuse charity said not to block him on everything? I don't mind being a single mother, but I do mind being bothered by him. Our town is tiny.

I have also been stalked - in fact, an ex colleague of mine has recently been charged with stalking me. And this guy is a prosecution witness if it goes to trial! Sol I feel really trapped, like I can't report him, especially now he's "gone quiet" anyway...

OP posts:
Dontpokethebearnow · 31/01/2026 20:06

He's gone quiet because his usual tactics aren't working. He's heightening your fears on purpose, he's trying to get you guessing if he's okay or what he's going to do next. He is desperate because his usual MO of begging isn't working.

Do not let it work. Do not let your children see what a monster can really do. You have come so far, you are being so strong against him and every time one of your children smile or your unborn baby kicks let that be your sign to say your winning.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 20:13

Dontpokethebearnow · 31/01/2026 20:06

He's gone quiet because his usual tactics aren't working. He's heightening your fears on purpose, he's trying to get you guessing if he's okay or what he's going to do next. He is desperate because his usual MO of begging isn't working.

Do not let it work. Do not let your children see what a monster can really do. You have come so far, you are being so strong against him and every time one of your children smile or your unborn baby kicks let that be your sign to say your winning.

I did wonder that, as he has tried all of his usual tricks and I have ignored/resisted them all. He has hinted that he's maybe got a new job, or has gone to stay a few hours away with his dad for a few days, being deliberately vague, but I just ignored it.

He then rang and sent a message yesterday saying something like "I hope you're feeling okay. You probably think that I don't care because I'm not fighting any more, but I do care, I just know that I have to let you go", when, three days before, he was repeatedly saying that he will never let me go, kill himself if we can't get back together, and will never give up. My head is SO fucked up.

Baby is kicking now, and your words have really helped. Thank you x

OP posts:
RealEagle · 31/01/2026 20:33

You are having a baby with someone on the sex offenders register.Maybe put your kids first instead of a shag.

FishFingerSandwichs · 31/01/2026 20:38

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 19:47

He is allowed around children tbf, there is no SHPO :(

Show quote history

That is so the wrong attitude - I’m saying this to help you wake up!!

wake up wake up where your children are concerned

dont worry about him killing self

you were able to list all what is wrong so you do know

Original poster
CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 20:45

FishFingerSandwichs · 31/01/2026 20:38

That is so the wrong attitude - I’m saying this to help you wake up!!

wake up wake up where your children are concerned

dont worry about him killing self

you were able to list all what is wrong so you do know

Edited
Show quote history

The kids really liked him!! Which doesn't help

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/01/2026 21:01

Don’t put him on the bc

Monr0e · 31/01/2026 21:02

He's allowed to be around children? Says who? How did that conversation go?

Hey, I'm on the sex offenders register but it's ok, I'm allowed to be around children.
Ok, cool, come meet my 4 children 🙄

Have you told the midwives this? Because a referral should have been made to social services now you are also pregnant with his child.

FishFingerSandwichs · 31/01/2026 21:02

CinnamonSwirlLatte · 31/01/2026 20:45

The kids really liked him!! Which doesn't help

Show quote history

He’s not safe to be a partner let alone a parent

kids need adults to keep them safe - even though they may like them

I don’t think you’re there OP…I think you have another round with this man at least

you’re too putting defences forward

I’m really sad for your children - you are letting them down big time