Breaking a trauma bond while pregnant - need urgent help

[CinnamonSwirlLatte]

Please be gentle.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and this is around the 8th time I've left or tried to leave him in around 2 years. I know he is bad news for me, but I'm struggling really badly. I have four children already and NO support network.

This guy has been so sweet and loving, but also obsessive. When I've left him before, he has always found ways to contact me (even when blocked on everything), or covertly stalked me. I have only ever gone back to him when I've been vulnerable e.g. when I nearly lost my job over a false allegation, when I was very poorly, when I had fallen out with someone and was upset about it and had had a few glasses of wine. He has immediately swooped in and "saved" me.

He already has a conviction for harassment against someone else. He is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has a 4 year old he has never tried to see. He is manipulative, he has threatened to kill himself, he is banned from driving, he is in a shit load of debt, he's crazily jealous. I tried to leave him at Christmas and he cried, shouted, begged, wouldn't leave, smashed his phone and punched himself repeatedly.

However now, after days of begging, he has suddenly gone quiet and it's even more upsetting for some reason, not to mention worrying. We live very close to each other. I'm scared he will try to use the baby to "get back in". I've already been through family court with an abusive ex and I cannot do it again.

Part of me thinks I should have just stayed with him, just so I know what he's going to do. I keep crying at night when the kids are asleep.

I have contacted a local domestic abuse charity.

Please someone help me be strong.

Yes you did - “Hey Midwife, I’m on my own, my ex is a sex offender and is stalking me and I can’t mange my DC because of my illness. I need help urgently”

What of?

I agree with you. But unfortunately, that's what he is classed as

Okay

Repercussions, retaliation, living close by to him and his unhinged mother

It feels you are contradicting yourself. In the one hand you say he’s not a danger and then you say you are scared
He has stayed at your house and your children know and like him.
He is the father of your child, what if he decides he wants contact?

Because people on here are making me more scared.

If he decides he wants contact then he will have a hell of a fight, but ultimately it's down to a court.

Many women have abortions that they would rather not have to protect their children who are already born. It's too late for that now, but it's not too late to tell your midwife about this man.

Before you posted here, you were already scared enough to approach a DV charity. The posters here are aware that abusers escalate, and the woman is in the most danger from him when she leaves. Please consider moving, to be away from his family who will be his flying monkeys, and to be away from him.

I honestly didn't think he was that bad. I told them on the phone that I felt silly.

He's just tried to ring.

Trust me I would move if I could (I actually like moving house lol) but it's Just not possible

Poor kids.

This in buckets full!

Why because they might spot that you keep picking relationships of danger and not believe you?

You have no hope for me, I don't need to respond to you

Oh Jesus - he’s already escalated - wake up!!!!

your not involving SS or police or midwife aa you know that may stop the relationship and you’d have a very clear boundary - but you don’t want that…so that you can still have a chance of being with this guy…wake up!

I think you might feel overwhelmed. Breaking tasks into steps helps me.

1. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent.html
2. Save deposit.
3. Move.
4. Tell kids to lump it.

Op how you going to treat your " trauma bonding"?
Only by being open and getting help.
You need to open up now. To midwife. To ss.

@CinnamonSwirlLatte I haven't rtft yet but practical stuff:

1. Hollie guard app on your phone, you can shake it and it will alert the police

2. ask at a tech store for them to check it for tracking apps

3. I think the app is called daisy but it's a notes app for logging harassment

4. ask the police to put a marker on your home

5. tell your landlord or housing association (unless your home is mortgaged etc) and they might install a door cam for you

6. tell your mw that this is your situation, they should be able to help you out with safety plans

7. do a Clare's Law on him

8. report anything he does. Threats of suicide are actually statistically very dangerous for the partner, not the person threatening to end themselves. Pregnancy and leaving a relationship is a time of increased risk

...when you have time, look at the links in blue text at the top of the relationships board, there's a lot of info but it's worth reading

Good luck op x

I have enough for six months rent upfront, never mind a deposit. I never hear anything back once I've filled in the form and they see that I'm a single mum of several children and only work part time

Thank you xx

I keep going to report him, and stopping myself. I just don't know if I can do it again. I've already got the other trial to face potentially

He's probably classed as 'low risk' due to the 'scoring' type system they use for Registered Sex offenders. I won't go into detail, but it's not worth the paper it's written on!!. I'm sorry OP ,but he's a walking red flag ,that's not even taking into account the sexual offence!! I think you need some serious help with your self-esteem/ confidence and look at the bigger picture here! Ie - your children

Thank you, I agree with you x

Just because you report him doesn't mean it would automatically go to trial op - just do a 101 online and let them take it from there, they will do what they want with that info.

If it went to family court for contact I reckon cafcas would not view positively his offending history and I very much doubt he's gonna pay for legal representation in family court for custody.

I'm not totally clear if he's dad of bump or not but try not to think of all that stuff that's further down the line

You can live chat to women's aid 10am-10pm on your phone, just go to refuge online and look for a pink chat symbol, it's AI but it will put you through to a person

Try the book Why Does He Do That , you can get a free pdf

...and tell your mw x