I am not able to do any wedding preparations right now.

[FranBaby]

Can I get some advice please. I am engaged to a fantastic man. We don't have any dates set as of yet. He is a good person. He wasn't sto move ahead and view venues and book a date. He booked a viewing for this week without even consulting with me. If he asked me I would have said not right now. You see I am dealing with a lot of crap.

1. my work is being a pain in the f*cking ass. Simple as that. I will be lucky if I am even allowed a day off this week. I am scheduled for Monday to Friday work as per usual but I am required to stay late on Wednesday night and Friday night. I am required to attend a first day training on Saturday morning. Then go back into work on Saturday evening a do a live in stint into Sunday. So I don't even get a day off.

I am exploring changing jobs into factory work because I can't keep going on like this.

2). My mother is aging and there is a lot of executive functioning issues happening with her. There are so many things and it's all so stressful.

Then there are some other things too. Me and my partner we work two very different schedules. I typically work Monday to Friday. He works in a bar. So whenever I do get days off, they never fall on his days off. Also we don't sleep together any more and sexual intimacy is gone.

He booked a viewing for Friday morning thinking I would be off and I am not and he never consulted with me. I am facing a weekend of exhaustion from my work.

Glad to read there might be a way out of your horrendous job situation - nobody should be working the hours your described and not able to get a proper break. Couldn't see the rest of your reply as I have an extension on my device that blocks text lifted from AI writing tools...

There's a few other things too.

I had a family member take a loan from me last year and then never paid me back. 1200. I work so fucking god damn hard and then that. Lesson learned. There won't be any more.

There's something else. I didn't tell anyone in real life or here online. I am having some dark thoughts. I found a website that I believe is banned in the UK so I won't type the name of it but you can get around it. Begins with S. I am not saying anything else. I am struggling with my mental health. Nobody knows this.

There is just too much fucking bullshit left, right and centre if me. Too much pressure.

Nobody knows the abuse that's occuring in my job. When people say just say no. That's not the it. What's happening is that they are getting me to agree to staying late as an example. They might have me working from morning and get me to stay later at work until 10 and example and then just not bother coming back to relive me. The longest work day I had last year was 16 hours. There's other incidents too. Then there's also a situation where it's what I know and I am comfortable there but it's just so bad sometimes.

There is just so much pressure everywhere.

I do have bad thoughts. I do have a very vague plan but I am not in any immediate danger. I am just too exhausted. I get sick easily too.

There are 3 things here which I think you are struggling to separate.

One - your home situation. Your mother is an independent adult. You cannot tell her what to do or what not to do. Likewise you don't have to do anything that your mother asks you to do. You are choosing to do that even though it makes your life harder. You can see so many things in her life that she could improve but she doesn't want to do that so you must let her live her life by her own decisions.

You can only do this if you move out. Almost everything about your mother is in relation to you living with her. Move out into your own place and immediately most of that won't be a problem for you any more. It might be a problem for her but that is for her to deal with.

Two - your job. This is something only you can change. You can refuse when they 'expect' you to work more than your contracted hours and you can change jobs.

Three - your relationship. I think you need to end it and let him go. You have been promising to marry him for years but it's really not a priority to you. You are not open with him so he cannot support you and you clearly have nothing to give him.

So, end the relationship, move out of your mum's house and change your job. In that order. Your life will improve immensely.

Is there a risk that you have committed a crime with this sketchy tax/debt issue @FranBaby ?

is your paid job as a carer?

You seem to be the one with a communication problem.
If you are always going to be too busy or have too much on to deal with the planning why don't you just let him get on with it himself? Or are you just looking for reasons not to commit?
I don't really understand what your complaining is about? The fact that your fiance is proactively planning your marriage and doing something useful to move it along?

Yes. I wrote it in a previous reply. I love the people I care for but the conditions from the top at times are gruelling. I never signed up to work like that. I am working all of this week and then faced with nothing but bullshit for the weekend. Work late Friday, get up early Saturday morning at about 6 am to travel for a first aid course and then go back to work asap as soon as that finishes and work into Sunday.

I don't have the stamina to work like this any more.

?

A very low Income relationship by the sounds of it. Even if this marriage sounded promising (it doesn’t), you still should t remotely be planing anything close to a big wedding!

Just to confirm - no children on either side?

Truthfully, I don't think you want to marry him.
No intimacy even before marriage? That's not a great sign.

That originally came from him. I asked him lasted year if he wanted to come around to mine and he refused and I didn't ask him again. I think he feels that shift now because we only sleep together once or twice a year. And his answer is to push forward with a wedding while I would like to fix whatever is broken.

No

Maybe he feels like planning a wedding will fix what's broken, because you haven't told him everything else that's broken in your own life?

He works in a bar, you work long hours office hours… who is the main earner and home owner? Am wondering, given there is no intimacy, communication or real relationship, what’s in it for you? I mean, is this a ‘cocklodger’ scenario?

How old are you?

Yesterday mornings incident at home with my mother - I got an impression she was resentful because my work kept me late in Monday night and I didn't see her before bed.

Then she told me about a letter from her sister where her sister abroad wants her to look for accommodation and my mother is pushing that onto me. I didn't reason with her or refuse it or explain housing crisis - I agreed and said I will let her know if I see anything. Deep down, this is something I want to stay out of because I will likely be left paying for a deposit for my aunt abroad and I won't get any thanks for it and I likely won't even be paid back.

Then my mother showed me a different letter she got. It was more formal from her solicitor while she was pushing it under my nose to read while I was trying to eat breakfast - she started haragueing me about it. I think she wasn't able to understand the letter and her response was a neurogical response of anger at me. That took a lot out of me for the rest of the day. The pressure in my head that came and I had to go to work and pretend everything is fine.

This ^^ is spot on. You are not obliged to do everything for your DM. You are allowed to say ‘no’. And you are entitled to your own life.

A lot of this could be your own mental health, and I'm saying this kindly.

You got the feeling she was resentful, which could be from her actions or it could be you feeling guilty that you didn't see her when you think she's struggling and overthinking things.

You THINK she couldn't understand the letter and therefore is angry at you when actually she may have just wanted your option on it and interpreted your tiredness as a refusal when usually you jump to help her.

I think you need help before you can help anyone else.

Oh and if you Auntie does move back, she is capable of finding accommodation herself or moving in with her sister (your mum) while she looks. On no account try to sort it all out for her or pay a deposit for a place. If you feel too guilty doing nothing perhaps send your Aunt some links to property sites like Rightmove so she can sort it for herself.
Your DM has really done a number on you and convinced you that as her daughter you must obey her every command. You really don’t to.

You mention your having dark thoughts OP.

Please make an appointment with your GP today. Tell them it’s a mental health crisis and they should see you asap. Please make time for yourself.

This is such good advice. It’s so hard to think clearly when you are overwhelmed and big decisions (like ending your engagement) shouldn’t be made at times like this.

Doesn't sound like you want to make time for marriage tbh because there's always going to be stresses with families and work regardless

Did you ever tell a toddler 'no' - you would get a tantrum in response. This is where I am right now with my mother. She can't tolerate the word no. I have stepped back and said no in other indirect ways to some of her requests like when she wants me to spend 50 quid on lip balms for her. 'my bank card is out of order....I need to go to the bank'.

But like if it's a toddler, you hold firm. If you cave, the behaviour continues because they know you'll give in and they'll get what they want.

You say no and you mean it.