I am not able to do any wedding preparations right now.

[FranBaby]

Can I get some advice please. I am engaged to a fantastic man. We don't have any dates set as of yet. He is a good person. He wasn't sto move ahead and view venues and book a date. He booked a viewing for this week without even consulting with me. If he asked me I would have said not right now. You see I am dealing with a lot of crap.

1. my work is being a pain in the f*cking ass. Simple as that. I will be lucky if I am even allowed a day off this week. I am scheduled for Monday to Friday work as per usual but I am required to stay late on Wednesday night and Friday night. I am required to attend a first day training on Saturday morning. Then go back into work on Saturday evening a do a live in stint into Sunday. So I don't even get a day off.

I am exploring changing jobs into factory work because I can't keep going on like this.

2). My mother is aging and there is a lot of executive functioning issues happening with her. There are so many things and it's all so stressful.

Then there are some other things too. Me and my partner we work two very different schedules. I typically work Monday to Friday. He works in a bar. So whenever I do get days off, they never fall on his days off. Also we don't sleep together any more and sexual intimacy is gone.

He booked a viewing for Friday morning thinking I would be off and I am not and he never consulted with me. I am facing a weekend of exhaustion from my work.

You need to communicate with your partner and be clear that wedding preparations will need to be on hold for now while you sort out your life. It sounds like you need to talk about your sex life and intimacy, your financial situation, changing jobs and finding time together and what you need to do in order to help your mother. These are all things that you should be talking about with a life partner! Before even thinking about marriage, you need to address these issues.

It seens that your mother is not at all well mentally and that is your biggest problem at the moment.
I can quite see how this takes precedence over wedding planning and it needs to be addressed first.
Can you share your concerns with her own GP/family doctor and see if thry have any advice on how to proceed. They will probably want to see her in person so perhaps you can both come up with a plan on how this could be done.
I hope so, the situation sounds dire.

Is it your Mums house? If so many of the things you list are her choice…fairly common eccentricities…loads of people argue about energy use, leave things on standby etc
Has your Mum come to any harm? Talking about care homes seems extreme from your list.

I’m really sorry everything seems so hard and your work sounds intense…talk to your fiancé …

And your job sounds awful -- I take it you're not in the UK because it spunds of as if what you have to put up with would not be legal here.

Good communication is the core of a good marriage.

You aren't ready to marry this one.

How can you afford a wedding if you’re working 7 days a week and he’s only doing bar work?

Erm, have you tried renting your own flat? Many of these executive function ‘issues’ are about sharing a space that doesn’t belong to you. You’ve got debt and possibly a tax issue with HMRC, maybe these too are making you feel trapped. Assuming you do have debts, these should take priority, along with securing your own place to live. Although older parents are very trying, most of this could be solved by creating firm, adult boundaries.

You can't marry a man who doesn't listen to you. This and the lack of intimacy does not bode well.

I chatted to her GP before and she was called in for a check up but there was no other help or support. I think I do need to go back again. I went to different gp who asked for 'memory loss?'. Memory loss isn't really want I am seeing.

Some of those things are symptomatic of memory loss - zoning out, forgetting she's done things, being confused/disoriented by the passage of time and unable /unwilling to adopt/learn new ways of doing things all indicate diminished short term and working memory.

I think that list of your mother's 'executive functioning' problems sounds like something anyone could put together about a particularly annoying flatmate of any age. There is nothing on it that suggests a need for outside intervention. Everything is just behaviour of her own choice, and some of it is not very logical - but nothing is dangerous or indicative of incipient dementia. How old is your mother? I also agree with posters who say don't marry a man with whom you have no intimacy. Starting off with a sexless marriage will lead to unhappiness. It sounds like you need to find somewhere of your own to live, put some boundaries in place when your mother is demanding things from you, change your job and stop any plans for a wedding.

I’m so sorry, sounds like you’re going through an awful time right now. I know it’s easy to say, but could you take a week off work, with stress, anxiety, or make something up just to get some breathing space. I’d then spend that time to apply for other jobs and try to move forward with the debt issue. I agree with pp - depending on your debt situation could you move out. I’m not sure how helpful support for your mum will be while they know you’re living with her? I would tell your partner about the debt. Don’t be ashamed of a mistake. Just try to put one foot in front of the other.

It’s not just a shared-space issue. These behaviors - repeated intrusions, obsessive routines, and inability to manage daily tasks - happen consistently and impact how the home functions. It feels more like an executive-functioning problems than normal family conflict.

She's taking plus size underwear from me. That's only just one thing of so many. She's half the size of me. That's not normal.

She got a letter from her sister that lives abroad in December and she told me about it. Her sister wants to move back home and she said she's coming home in January. I don't know what happened where it turned out that I am the only person with that aunties email address. Since my mother got that letter she was requesting nearly every single day - did I hear from her sister. Was there any email. There was an intensity and an obsession and when the answer was no I didn't t hear from her, there was a weird vibe and energy nearly there some sort of paranoia from my mother. At some point I asked my mother did she want me to email her but I got an explosive rant from her and that was the end of that.

She got another letter just today to say that her sister was looking for accommodation but it's too expensive and she can't come home right now but she asked my mother to look for accommodation for her. My mother is someone who wouldn't be able to do that now. My aunt doesn't know. My mother has pushed this onto me. She now wants me to find accommadation for my aunt. It will only be a case where I will likely be left paying for a deposit for a place for someone who may or may not even come home. I did agree to my mother but I am not going to do this behind the scenes. This is between them but she's pushing it onto me.

This is only just one issue my mother wants help to navigate.

That's it. That's what I need. Breathing space. I didn't even have a proper Xmas holiday from work. I got about two days off and then back to work and worked a live in stint over New years.

Please explain what you mean by Executive-Functioning.

Sounds like you don't want to get married full stop. My then partner didn't have time to see venues so I saw them and made a decision. He trusts me. It was a great day.

A good 80% of your problems would go away if you moved out of your mother's house.

Get your own place, sort out your debt and change your job. Tell your partner that you need to do that before you even think about marriage. Be honest with him about the debt.

By executive functioning, I mean the skills involved in planning, organising, prioritising, self-monitoring, emotional regulation, time awareness, and adapting behaviour when circumstances change.

The difficulties I’m seeing are not about forgetting names or dates, but about how daily life is managed. For example:
• Poor planning and sequencing (e.g. doing tasks at inappropriate times, difficulty organising chores logically)
• Time awareness problems (leaving far too early or too late, misjudging how long things take, repeating tasks longer than necessary)
• Emotional dysregulation (sudden anger, paranoia, fixation on one issue at a time.
• Inability to adapt behaviour (continuing high-energy habits while blaming others, difficulty understanding cause and effect)
• Repetitive or compulsive behaviours (trance-like cleaning, moving furniture with no clear goal)
• Boundary and judgement issues (eavesdropping, entering private spaces, rummaging, taking items, taking personal items, difficulty respecting privacy)
• Rigid thinking and suspicion (misinterpreting neutral situations as threats or wrongdoing)

Lack of empathy or concern. For example I went to bed sick and the next day she never required about me but asked if I heard from other family members who live abroad.

Using a tubberware box at nighttime in her room for toileting.

Othe rodd behaviours and odd facial expressions. Nearly as if she is finding it hard to understand situations and it's coming across as poor facial expressions.

These behaviours have been present for several years and are becoming more frequent. They are consistent with executive functioning decline rather than simple memory loss or normal household conflict.

I don't think you're being fair to him. If you've been engaged for years why are you still unmarried and living with your mum? If you don't actually want to get married any time soon you need to tell him as his life is on hold.

There was other issues too that I didn't explain here. I was long term harassed from the fall out of an individual. I had 10 years of abuse and harassment and the country I am in, wmthe authorities never helped me. I had 10 years of abuse and harassment and the person sabotaging every aspect of my life and even raisng points that had nothing to do with her. I was ok for a long time but after about the 8 year mark, I began to have some dark thoughts and some bad emotions. There was no end to it. It's stopped now because the person stopped but it wasn't stopped leagally or professionally so I am wary that the person could start it all back up again whenever her ego strikes.

My soul is crushed. Simple as that.
From work, to issues with my parent and long term harassment.

I did want to marry him and I love him and I still do want him in my life. I am lost and worried. That's all.

Talk to him.

There is no other solution to the relationship part of your issues.

I can remember an incident last year. I was booked for babysitting one Sunday morning for the day. My mother took the opportunity before I left to harague some anger at me. It was behavuse I had a lift and I don't think she really understood the situation or the person outside. The facial expressions she made were unreal. I left to go babysitting for the day and I was just so upset but I had to bottle it up and put on a happy face. I was minding a 3 year old and a 5 year old for the day and I love children and get on well with them but it was a wet and rainy day and all I had was tantrums and just a level of players that was a little bit naugthy. It didn't stop once all day.

So I had a temper tantrum from my mother and then more ts trims from children all day long. I needed up with migraine for 3 days after that. The pressure in my head was unreal.

He definitely knows about the harassment. He doesn't know how I am truly feeling. My soul is battered. It really is.