I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

You’re married so that’s good. I was with a specimen like this, and it’s unlikely to get better in my experience

In your shoes I’d prioritize increasing earnings, as you may find you can not stand his attitude for ever.

Yep. I would look to maximise my earnings and get rid of him. If he wants you to contribute equally, he needs to facilitate that. My guess is he’s quite happy to enjoy all the benefits of you working part time while also chastising you for that. Fuck that.

@Haggisfish3 im not really posting for that … it’s just way too simplistic.

For one thing I can’t maximise my earnings at the moment. Any increase in salary would be countered by childcare costs. Plus the cost to my mental health would be huge and I’m just not able to do it.

I don’t want to be rid of him, either. It would have to be really awful for me to contemplate that and it isn’t.

Tell him you’re fed up of him leaning on you to take on the lion’s share of raiding your children and preventing you from working? Agree you will look for full time work as soon as he changes his job to one that means he’s around to share things at home 50:50? He doesn’t sound like that good a man btw.

Are you able to have a rational, calm conversation with him? Explain all this but not in a ‘blame’ way, just stating as facts sort of thing.
can you tell him the comments of ‘leaning on him’ make you feel unvalued, and it would be nice to be appreciated for how much you do for the whole family.

if the answer is no then I’d say that’s a bigger issue

Tell him to start shopping around for childcare and cleaners and watch him backtrack.

Marry a man who values work in the home.

A bit late for that, so book a week’s holiday and let him do both jobs on his own to see how he fares.

I do need to speak to him but it’s hard as we both feel guilty and get defensive and shirty with one another.

Working full time isn’t going to be practical for a long time. To give some examples, this week DH went to Northern Ireland (we live in England) Tuesday morning to yesterday night (late.) The week before, he was in Cornwall. A couple of weeks before this he was in Scotland.

Now that’s all well and good, but unfortunately my work is not flexible in the slightest, although I do get school holidays off. I do need to think about the children first and foremost and their wellbeing and also my own sanity levels (!) and what I can realistically manage. When they are both at school I can absolutely work more but not full time. And both won’t be in school until 2027.

I think I’d explain to him that he’s equally ‘leaning on you’ in a different way, if you weren’t home and taking care of the children then he simply wouldn’t be able to earn such a big salary, or at least he’d really struggle, it works both ways.

Exactly what I was thinking - ‘What? Like the way you lean on me you mean?’

If I got one whiff of that shit from a bloke I would be straight back to full-time work and he’d be responsible for sourcing and organising paid staff to do all the childcare, housework and life admin he doesn’t think is worth his notice. Tosser.

Are you able to have some short phrases to hand when he does this
“ I don’t appreciate that comment. We are a team”

i am a sahm and my husband infrequently implies I don’t bring anything to the table and he would be put in his place. He earns just above the threshold for any childcare funding and we would be absolutely broke paying for 3 lots of of childcare

I do need to do this. Perhaps he doesn’t realise how awful it makes me feel.

I did have this out with him before I dropped my hours last year - thought I made it clear to him I didn’t want any barbed comments (there were a lot last year and it did nearly end the marriage to be honest) Things improved but are now deteriorating again.

How old are the children?

Our eldest recently turned five and is in reception, youngest is two (three in the summer.)

I think your post is very clear about how he also leans on you. He would simply not be able to do that level of travelling were you not there to look after the children because he would have to do it. If he wants you to work and earn then he will also have to make sacrifices. If you can find a calm way to talk this through and spell out how if he wants to be able to do the job that he does then he needs to look at all the things that you do to enable that which are quite a lot more of leaning on you than leaning on him.

He does not appreciate your input. He is not a team player. He thinks he is supporting you .

He earns more than you so you owe him

That says a lot about him. None of it good

I would ask my dh if he appreciated that I was the present parent for our children so that he could work in the field he does. If he's not happy you tell him that he needs to look for another job with no travel so that you can both work ft and share the burden of school pick up/drops and all house and child related.

It really annoys me.

He doesn’t have to worry about travelling, he can literally (and sometimes does) tell me on Monday he’s in Aberdeen or something on Tuesday ‘that’s OK isn’t it?’

Doesn't have to think about school holidays either.

on the other hand I guess I don’t have to think about the mortgage. I just don’t know why it’s like this when I don’t feel either of us are bad people.

He can generate more income because of the unpaid labour you do in the home.

Tell him you'll go back to work when he pays for all cooking, cleaning, pickups, and housekeeping services you formerly provided

The bottom line here is he doesn't respect you and what you do. He sees your marriage as transactional with only financials counting. I think you're financially incompatible.

I dont really understand why you can’t work more? Obviously you’d need more childcare, but what’s stopping you working full time so long as you have that?

I’d have a chat with him, setting out childcare costs (actual ones in your area rather than a guess), and show him that you increasing days at work would not net any more income (if that’s true). But when youngest starts school, you can. That said, you’ll still need him to do some of the pick ups/drop offs. He can’t expect you to magically find some unicorn job which is only occurring during school hours, nor can he expect you to slack at work so he can do well at work.

I had a spouse (wife in my case) who was “unable” to ever do any nursery pick ups or sick days because of her big job. It was amazing how after we split up, she was suddenly able to do all those things in order to have 50/50 care. “I can’t” is more often than not, “I won’t”.

@SErunner well for starters because this childcare doesn’t exactly exist without huge lifestyle shifts.

DS school’s breakfast club starts at 8 o clock, DDs nursery opens at 730 and is in the opposite direction (it is actually near my work)

The only way I could get to work on time myself would be to

leave the house with ds and dd by 715 (they generally only wake around 7)
drive to dds nursery for opening at 730
drive back to ds school for breakfast club at 8
drive back to my work, and i’d only just be on time

the evening wouldn’t be too unmanageable apart from Wednesdays. At the moment, I don’t work Wednesdays and this was negotiated specially. Wednesdays are our meetings night. I don’t work this day but I do parents’ evenings (teacher.) If I worked Wednesdays I would be contracted to 430. Ds afterschool clubs only go on to 430.

I could move ds school technically. But I also know doing that every day and a very demanding FT job would destroy me. I’m being honest - I couldn’t do it.

You need to set him straight. Explain that to hire a full time live in nanny, cleaner, laundry service, housekeeper etc so that you could work like he works would cost well over 100k a year. Your earnings would be swallowed up by it and your children would grow up with paid strangers.

He needs to fully understand the economic value of having a parent at home. But beyond that, he needs to understand the emotional value to his own children, of having a parent present. And above all, he needs to fully understand that the success he enjoys is hugely down to you sacrificing your own career.

Call his bluff. Tell him you will get a full time job but that he must fund the childcare pro rata until you rise to his salary level, as your career was held back by having children/ And he must also come back from work early 50% of the time, as for you to rebuild your career, you will need to work a lot of late nights.

If he doesn;t like the sound of that, tell him never ever again to think that the money he earns is his alone, or that you are not entitled to it, for the unpaid hours you put in, raising his children and maintaining the home. It is family money. He chose to have a family. He benefited hugely, after his children were born, from being married to a woman who was prepared to work hard in the home, unpaid, so that he could climb the ladder.

It’s frustrating as we have until September 2027 when I can earn more. I will probably work three days spread across four. This is currently a take home income of just under £2000 which is enough obviously.