I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

Right. So any actual advice here? Sorry to sound snippy but it’s been a long week, I’ve been on my own with two very young children for most of it and unsurprisingly I’m not in the mood to be told bizarrely I’ve lived my life all wrong and that’s why I’m in the position I’m in.

I could leave DH next week and financially would manage. But that’s not what I am posting about.

This is true. So change is needed before it becomes entrenched

I think certainly last year he was tilting that way @Donttellempike , and I’m worried he’s going back to that. I don’t actually think it is deliberate but it is as if worry takes over, he won’t address it directly with me so snipes and side swipes start to take over.

Well the take away is you get your husband to change, or you earn more money.

So, my DH has been telling me I can have a better job & work more hours if I want. 'we'll make it work', he'll adjust his hours etc.. I currently work school hours, which is extremely rare here. I hate my job with a passion & want something that pays better & values my skills.

Last week he said this again as I'm really unhappy. I asked him how he could make it work around school drop offs/pick ups & DC activities & therapies. He started off confident & quickly realised it meant huge changes & restrictions for him, and isn't really possible time wise. He's admitted I'm right.

So just ask your DH, next time he moans, how he intends to contribute so you can work more. Proper plans, like changing his job ...

What do you want to happen?

What is he worried about?

But it’s how people behave under stress that matters.

I was with my ex for over 25 years. And in the early days he was great. It was over a long period of time that he became a total horror.

Earning more money is not going to solve the problems because I’m not posting for financial advice so much as for how to approach this issue.

It would be easy (and honestly at this moment in time is very tempting to) STFU about all money related things, hide all purchases and / or arrange delivery for when he’s away, just let him do his thing and I do mine, but that’s probably not the best long term answer. It does kind of seem to be the only option though

As a starting point you should both have equal spending money. All money into a pot (joint account) and then allowances made for food, stuff for children etc and then an equal amount each transferred to your own (can be also joint but used individually) bank accounts to spend as you wish. This is what dh and I do - been married 16 years, dh works, I do not due to health issues and also because quite frankly I don’t want to (used to be the higher earner when we met but due to this and some inheritance I received we no longer have a mortgage and I’m not prepared to work anymore now). My first dh was a lot like yours - a selfish prick. You can’t live like this. £95k and behaving like this! 😮

This

It's impossible to "get someone else to change ". The only person you control is yourself.

Ideally be at a point where I can just live my life and he can live his I guess.

I get that. But money and attitudes towards it are really indicative of underlying priorities and issues. You are not happy. Or you would not be posting on here. So what would you like to happen?

Sorry I thought it was 2k so it’s 1.2k and you pay childcare?

So he pays mortgage and all other bills? How much disposable does he have left?

Well, exactly

That’s pretty vague, but what would be the next step towards making that happen?

It would be easy (and honestly at this moment in time is very tempting to) STFU about all money related things, hide all purchases and / or arrange delivery for when he’s away

im confused, so you do have enough money but he judges how you spend?

I don't think you need to earn more, if I was earning your husband's salary I'd tell my husband to stop working all together! I think you need to have a chat with him and explain that without you he couldn't be in the position that he's in, you do work and you do contribute and you should be an equal team. Maybe he will take on board what you say.

Why do you want to live separate lives though? You’re married with two children together. Shouldn’t you be… sharing things? A household account for joint costs, joint savings, then both of you enjoying / having access to the disposable income leftover?

Buying things in secret and hiding parcels is a bizarre and frankly miserable way to live. I’m inclined to agree with others who are calling this out as financial abuse…

So you have a few hundred quid a month to live on while he has a few thousand? Sorry but that is financially abusive. Why are you paying for the nursery? If you bring your child to soft play or buy your child a sandwich or a new pair of trousers does he pay for that, or does he expect it to come from your money?

Personally I would sit him down and tell him that your career has taken a hit from going part time, you have no money to live and he talks down to you. The only real solution if he is not willing to have a more equitable split is for you to go back to full time and him to cut down his hours and travel to accommodate this. I would ask him how his week would look if you were to separate, and he had sole responsibility for HIS children half the week? Tell him what you have lost (circa £2k?) by only working 2 days a week and tell him what he would lose if you were to separate or go back to work full time - what HE would need to pay for childcare for two children, and likely a cleaner etc... If it would cost similar to your salary would he consider giving you half your lost salary or doing the fair thing and making sure you both have the same expendable income each month.

I strongly believe that once kids are in the picture you need a joint bank account and access to family funds. I have been a SAHM for a few years, though have been doing some freelance work the last few months. My partner puts most of his salary into a joint account and if it runs out I tell him and he transfers more in. He gives out to me if I use my own account for buying things for our kid or for paying for things on days out as he recognises that my career took a hit to have a kid. That is how it should be! When I am earning more, most of my salary will go into the joint account too, as we are partners.

you need to sit down with your dh and lay all this out and ask him for help working out how he is going to share this with you, make this work so that you both take responsibility for childcare dropping off, for sorting out wrap round care etc

get your dh to plan this and commit to a plan - he also needs to be paying for half of the childcare, as its not just your dc but his children.

Perhaps this will open his eyes to how things actually are

Ask him if you were hospitalised tomorrow - how would he cope working and taking the children to childcare and school each day?

@yellowprimrosepink I'd be very blunt. If your role in the relationship is homemaker and child rearer (it very clearly is if he can go off whenever he likes for work) then his role is provider for his family. That's how it works. His contribution is monetary to compensate for his lack of presence.

You contribute some money to the family, he does some of the child related chores. But predominantly, the expectation on him is to provide. If he isn't prepared to do that, how does he plan to alter his work to enable you to earn more. That's his two options. He provides without whinging about it or he takes on more family responsibility, impacting his work, to enable you to work more. He can pick whichever he likes but he can't complain about it going forward.

I think for some men the really have to experience things to understand it. A
Is there anyway you can swing it to pick up extra hours for just a week when he has a trip planned and tell him to organise the childcare, point him in the direction of the internet to help etc - 'but DH I thought you wanted me to lean on you less'.

I am so annoyed on your behalf . Different generation but men used to be proud to be the provider for their family. Now they seem to want a traditional wife but not have to share their earnings . He needs to realise that he chose to have his children with you and somebody needs to be home for them . If he wants to be that somebody , fair enough. The only reason he can travel and advance his career is you facilitating everything at home. Looking after the children and the home used to be something to be proud of . Now it's like some sort of lazy choice . Point how much outsourcing all you do would cost him. And does he care about his children's emotional wellbeing . They can be secure even though Dad is away that you are there for them.

Or suggest you both get NMW jobs and work shifts to avoid childcare costs .