I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

That’s because you are thinking of you got a ft job you’d still be the one doing the lions share if the domestics. That’s the point isn’t. He needs to step up and take on half the dc load if you work ft. And if he won’t then tell him you are sick of him leaning on you

You need him to acknowledge that your contribution is not inferior to his. All income should be divided up fairly. There's no his/yours. He needs to believe this. Otherwise the begrudging will continue to eat him up. I'm also a part time teacher. Dp full time in a completely different type of job with no school holidays. Our salaries go into our own accounts. Then we both have a standing order into the "living expenses/domestic" joint account. It's calculated to cover everything. Absolutely not the same amounts. Not even similar. Not even pro rata, as that would leave me with a lot less disposable income. My bit is v small. When i was a sahm he actually put some into my account each month. These full time high earning husbands can only get where they are because we're available, he needs to accept you've facilitated his earning. You are a team. One unit.
We (you and I) are taking on the whole mental load of daily family life. If it was advertised as a paid job the salary would be high. We are not doing "less".

Btw off post slightly but consider making higher contributions to your teachers pension. The standard personal contribution is 1/57 th, but you can pay a higher amount for faster accrual. I think its 1/45th. Being part time will wreck your pension value and the earlier you can shore it up the better as it grows at above inflation. Just a thought.

I similarly facilitated DH working in a job which involved last minute travel, occasional very late working but good money. It worked because I supplied a steady base from which he could take off. It only worked because he accepted that we were working together for him to have that income or us to have that income. I got better over the years at making him understand that he did not therefore have a power of veto over how it was spent.
Maybe ask for a chat about spending plans for the year, be clear that you are not being extravagant. If he queries you not bringing in more point out the costs that would incur in both money and time.

My husband went through a period of this complaining. I then sent him an invoice for previous 3 months of care, 14 days to pay. I care for his mother, father and sister plus run around after our teenagers (rural, all in braces, team sports and tutors). He can pop to London tomorrow if he likes, or Dublin, or Berlin.
In reality he is grateful for what I do but he just would like another salary coming in.

just tell him you are so fed up with his comments that you are planning on going back to work full time, and a nanny/housekeeper will be need to be hired unless he can cover your childcare hours. plus holidays... might make him reconsider

Op I had a friend in your position. Fifteen years later she is hugely resentful of the career she hasn’t had. Her daughter knows her mum is resentful and wishes she hadn’t had her daughter. Her husband did nothing to help his wife regain her career after childbirth. He reaped the rewards of being able to travel and earn well. He has an excellent pension. His wife is trapped. My friend refuses to acknowledge how much she resents her husband. She also refuses to acknowledge the massive emotions damage done to their daughter as a result of all of this.

The default is that he takes on half the child responsibility. If his job doesn’t allow that, he finds a new job.

alternatively, you work as a financial team. That is the only way you can divide responsibilities unevenly. His financial success needs to be your success. If he gets a bonus, it should be as much yours as his. Both of you need to change your entire mentality.

I would say just him, but you are still talking about separate finances and all the child burden being yours. That just isn’t reasonable.

you can’t have one person step out of the workforce and take all that risk and the lifetime of compounding financial and career consequences without real financial compensation.

Have a look at the cost of replacing all the work you do - childcare, house cleaning, even the fee for an online shop etc and put that on paper in readiness for a discussion about your "different but equal" contribution to family life. I agree with other posters about letting him know how his comments make you feel. If you were vengeful, you could also make nasty remarks about his lack of parenting and leaning on you for that. However as a grown up just let him know what you want in a calm manner, maybe somewhere neutral like a coffee shop where tempers might be easier to control. It might help too to firstly acknowledge what he does (bears the financial responsibility and spends time away from his family in order to support you all). I've had this before where the bigger earner also feels undervalued for their contribution and maybe in this case he just isn't expressing that very well.If he can't or won't hear your concerns that is a bigger issue.

I just have. A very very far from happy @supersop60

Come back to your thread and “open that can of worms” that you say you don’t want to

I strongly recommend you read some of the work of Zawn Villines before you make any decisions. Here’s a link to her website (www.zawn.net/) please at least read the front page, and here also is her Substack - Liberating Motherhood (https://zawn.substack.com/)
I have stood where you are standing OP, and the stink of male entitlement is just as bad now as it was then

He is a selfish shellfish.

You work part time to give your children a great upbringing, so he is able to earn well with his career.

My husband and I are in a similar situation with him having the higher salary. My husband pays all the big bills, I pay the food shop, My car and any extra little things. He would never dream of going away for little breaks and leave me wanting at home. I have full access to all our money despite him earning 3x my salary.

Marriage is a partnership, You are not in a partnership.

I really think you should get a joint account for all joint expenses, i.e. food shops, childcare costs, utilities etc.

You agree how much you and your DH put in (he should be putting in more as he makes more money, do NOT go 50/50).

You keep the remainder in your own account and use it as you see fit.

There was a lot of secrecy in my marriage regarding money, with my DH not wanting a joint account. But I never knew what was happening with the money and was suspecting that I was being disadvantaged (my DH and I make approximately the same). I moaned at him until he finally agreed to a joint account, and told him that this was a deal breaker. Lo and behold, with the joint account all of a sudden I had much more money left over for myself each month.

And because we agreed that the left over money was for ourselves to use as we want, the moaning about my spending also mostly stopped.

I also think this would give you some much needed transparency with respect to the finances.

This is a joke right?

Without a supportive partner, women who stay at home or mostly stay at home don't get any downtime from the stress of looking after small and highly irrational beings. My mat leave was the most stressful time of my life! At work I have breaks and opportunity to socialise with my colleagues and can grab a nice lunch from a cafe guilt free etc etc

I outearn my husband quite significantly but he has a harder job, I'd wager OPs teaching job is probably as stressful if not more so than her husband's, it's just that it isn't compensated as well.

It's a silly analogy anyway as no-one gets parachuted into an exec role, they (for the most part) work their way up gradually and it's usually down to their capacity and capability. I've found personally that my work has gotten easier the further up I've gone. Also if OPs husband is on 95k then it doesn't seem it's a big big job, probably senior management but not quite director.

I've met so many male colleagues who openly say they're going to conferences/meetings abroad/working late to opt out of family life. They're not going to these things because they're a requirement of the job, they're largely social events

When will women stop licking the boots of men just to satisfy their egos?

I also manage the finances of our household and it's piss easy compared to cooking, cleaning and keeping the children alive.

It IS entitlement. It is outrageous to be able to say “I’m going to Aberdeen tomorrow” and assume everything will just work, everyone will be fed and the wheels just keep turning.

I'm in a similar position. We're both teachers so money is tight. My husband has always worked full time and me part time, partly because I do all the housework and partly because of my subject which is practically unmanageable full time. When we relocated part of the reason was for me to get out of teaching as it was killing me. However, I can't find anything else so ended up full time in FE with s cleaner. This suited me as although the behaviour is pretty poor and apathetic at best, I got to do my job and go home whereas before my job consumed me. However, my contract ended and didn't get renewed as my maternity cover lady came back. So I've stayed on as cover teacher and some other teaching but I get hardly any hours and I'm not on contract so if I don't work I don't get paid. Husband is fine about it and not pushing me to get a job but he doesn't really share his money either so I'm pretty much skint most of the time and he moans when I spend any money whilst he just buys what he wants.

You need to make him understand that what you do is invaluable and he's reliant on you for a clean house, clean sheets, childcare and everything else. You are a team but he's not being a team player. How dare he suggest you're not doing your bit?!

Do you have children with your husband @TheAngryPuxie

The thing is the husband could have his high earning job with or without the OP

they got together at a later age when both in established career by the sound of it so neither of them helped each get to where they are

however like many couples one persons has to take the brunt of childcare and often working part time - generally the woman

they both sound resentful of each other

all he’s has to do is leave and pay child support and like a lot of men become a Disney dad every so often nothing will change for him and his high salary

he will still have his high paid job and probably be even better off financially
& the op can’t then say she is facilitating him working as they are no longer together

I actually read it as she's the reckless spender and that's all she wants to change, she wants more of his money to spend on shite.

And thats why im child free by choice. I wasnt running myself ragged doing both so i decided not to have kids. And another thing thats expected of women is caring for elderly relatives as well. When do women get a break? A PP mentioned that things seemed to change back in the nineties. It was around nineteen ninety four at the age of twenty one that i thought. Nah ...........not doing it. And now i see grandmothers expected to provide free childcare while also being told that they shouldnt get their state pensions till later and should keep on working it makes me even surer that i made the right decision. Some of us could see all this coming. Now more younger women have had the blinkers fall from their eyes and the birth rate has dropped because of it.

Exactly!!

Well, isn’t he a nasty piece of work.
Hopefully, your children won’t pick up on his dreadful attitude, as what sort of an example would that be to them?

HE should be paying for childcare costs!! If you go back to work full time then the % of his wages compared to yours he should be paying most of the childcare still!! If you divorced him you would get around £900 a month child maintenance costs - does he realise that?

Marriage is tricky…

he’s a good husband and doing a great job bringing home the bacon etc but you are making it so easy for him, so easy, he probably doesn’t even think about it!

but he’s making it easy for you not having to worry about money…

My husband always just wanted me to be grateful and calm and happy at home with our littlies.
Which is a very traditional way to look at it, not cool, but if it’s how you live your lives then that’s how it works…

He’s unreasonable and isn’t valuing what you do .
You might be able to do more hours once both are in full time school and even then you’d need someone to look after them ( or you take leave ) if one or both of your children are unwell .
You would need some sort of support network to manage these situations
Also you’d need to employ a cleaner/ housekeeper and possibly someone to do your garden in the months when that needs attention.

Your issue is entirely one of communication.

If you’re right that you’re both good people and want the best for each other, you need to find ways of keeping open lines of communication in a non-judgemental, non-confrontational way. So you both know how the other feels and support each other instead of working against each other.

Maybe there’s a useful book out there about communication or something.