I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

My dh works away for 3-4 weeks at a time and I have worked full time since my dd was 4 months it is doable but you need to get a childminder and costs are split . My dh is a high earner I’m an ok earner and we have always managed ok with this. I have to plan my work as I have to occasionally travel but my childminder will work a little later or I have family pick her up. My dd has absolutely no issue with the wrap around care and she’s 6 now as she’s never known any difference . You have to be super organised but it’s doable . 👍

I was in a similar situation with a husband who travelled a lot. I worked part time for many years. Whilst my DH did help at home I never felt he valued my job or how much of a mental toll being the default parent took on me .

During covid all that changed, my job became very busy and worked 7 days per week. My DH stood up more at home. Eventually I went full time and whilst he still earns 3 times my salary its only now I feel like he appreciates all the work I do and have done and how hard it is. He still travels but now there is more of a discussion about plans for the week. My DC are older but one DC has some needs so requires more supervision than other Dc their age.

The point of my post is really to say hang in there, DC aren't little for very long. Try to have a calm conversation about all you do and how its impacting your career and try to plan for your future career

Does he realise that he could not do his job and have children if it wasn't for you? I earn more than my husband and he does a lot of the childcare which enables me to work, I'd never make him feel bad and we are completely equal in my eyes.

How tight are finances? Is he stressed about money and taking it out on you in a passive aggressive way?

@Zelda93 I am sure it is doable, but it really isn’t for me at this time: thank you, though

@SAH07 thanks, I know logically I have less than twenty more payslips at my ‘current’ salary before things improve but in the meantime of course I’m leaning on him … I don’t earn much! I absolutely hate feeling like a spendthrift if a parcel arrives, and that’s how he makes me feel.

@KylieKangaroo i think he does know it, maybe he feels I have the ‘easier’ job, I don’t know.

I never had the courage to go part time ever. I saw my aunts and grandmothers and friend’s mums and my mum do that (part time or total SAHM) and I did not like what I saw….. there are some happy stories but never saw one first hand….

I don't have to think about the mortgage or bills either. Difference is, I'm not made to feel shit about it. My dh acknowledges that without me basically running our lives, he wouldn't be able to do the job he loves. Don't put up with his shit.

Yes I think so. Things are tight but some of this is just bad luck rather than actual lack of money.

It sounds like he thinks he is supporting you and YOUR children. He needs a serious talking to.

Does he spend much time with the children on the weekends?

I have known men like this who seem to somehow simultaneously think their wives are living the glorious bludge life on their dollar, while not being able to cope with their children for more than an hour or two solo on the weekends

Maybe he needs some more experience at "your job"

In marriage it should be a triangle: At the bottom are all the financial responsibilities, then you both as a couple lean on each other so the point stays stable. Explain this to your DH.

So you take in 20k and he takes in 95k? Why are things tight? Do you have a huge mortgage?

What is the total income per month?

I don’t buy into this theory that you “can’t” work more. I was a single parent to 3 DCs and worked full time.

Be honest OP. You don’t want to work more hours and it wouldn’t suit your lifestyle to do so.

The kids are your responsibility in the morning because?

You get a FT job, you need a FT childcare and he can fork out for his portion, h needs to step up and contribute.

See how long he manages that.

He's not a good man.

Good men don't behave like this.

A few points to make here - your children are still very young, you’re in the really tough stage where its hands on parenting relentlessly and childcare is both hard work and expensive, for all involved.

these are the years that really test a couple - to get through them you have to work as a team and both of you recognising the parts each other play and valuing those (otherwise the whole thing crumbles)

it certainly doesn’t sound like your DH sees it this way right now.
it sounds like he’s not doing much time “getting his hands dirty” so to speak in terms of spending time with / looking after the kids. So he’s not getting a good view of how much work it is.

He also is absolutely taking for granted that he’s free to work and travel as he chooses - which is a huge luxury for any parent (particularly when the DC are so young.)

I don’t think the answer is for you to make even more sacrifices than you already have on your quality of life, energy and health and start working full time.

Clearly money is not the issue here - you apparently make plenty between you (unless there are separate financial issues you haven’t detailed here)

Talk to your husband, candidly, and I would say - force him to spend some more time, preferably as sole parent, with the children. So he can see just how easy you have it… 🙄

Working full time as a teacher with a husband who works away and two young kids would be utter hell. As usual a few posters who are jealous that you don’t have to work FT are sticking the boot in, but in fact your husband is entirely unreasonable. As a couple you have enough money so he sounds overly obsessed with the financial side of things, rather then the benefits having a more present mother will be bringing to your little ones. I’d be having an extremely firm discussion with him that the comment stop, NOW, or your marriage might be on the line.

how much he shares his pay ??

Assuming he doesn't hate his job and want to change it to something lower paid (and take on the childcare responsibilities himself!) he is being really unkind and unreasonable.

My DH is the sole earner in our family at the moment, earning a little bit more than your DH, and I home educate our daughter though I have worked in the past. We both appreciate each other and what we contribute to our family; if he has a long day at work I will thank him for his hard work providing financially for us, and he always replies along the lines of "thank you for working hard to educate our daughter and keep our house lovely and make it possible for me to do my job". The key is that we both value what the other provides (and all finances are absolutely shared - joint accounts only, house in both our names, etc).

Without me taking over the bulk of the childcare / housework / cooking / life admin, there's no way he could hold down a stressful, demanding job where he might need to travel sometimes. I feel I am absolutely contributing to our household income by allowing him to do it (without hiring in lots of childcare / cleaners / etc).

It sounds like your DH needs to start valuing your contribution a lot more.

Say you’re going back to work. Make a list of all household chores for his home and childcare responsibilities for his children, and ask which 50% of them he wants to pick up.

should get the message across.

You need to sit him down and talk to him. He needs to get how pissed you are getting. Big girl pants on and bloody well get through to him.

Exactly.

Get a quote for nanny and cleaner.

There is flood of such posts all the time...so what a British man expect to happen when he marries a woman and she gives birth to kids????? For him to be able to live as before, not commit to them, throw them pennies and keep his whole salary for himself???? Why men even marry if they have such mindsets

Tell him to grow a pair and grow up then!